50 shades of grey bedroomMothers, hug your daughters close for this one 'cause it's about to get really real up in here. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If you haven't, I'm going to sum it up for you so we can move on: lucky (and I mean LUCKYAna Steele falls into the hands of dirty-dom Christian Grey and has the most amazing sex of her life every hour. Every day. Every week.

Oh and did I mention, Ana is a virgin at the start of the book -- so not only does she hit the hunky mega-millions, she also strikes orgasm gold. How's that for good fortune? OK, so now that we've got the gist of things, I'd like to tell you all a liiiiittle something else.

Ana's first time is a TOTAL LIE.

!&!$&$#%$#%%^%$^%^&"?!?!?!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A LIE?!

Well, let me explain.

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When I had sex for the first time there were no sparks, no fireworks, no Holy sh*@! This is the best thing ever! And there was no orgasm for me, either. It was more like, "Oh my god. Get up. Go home. This is so awkward. Tell NO ONE. Ever." Not for little Miss Steele though. The first 24 hours that she and Christian spent together, Ana orgasmed six timesDaaaaamnnnn, girl!

I nearly cried when I got through that chapter -- for my virgin self and for the thousands of girls who read this book and think, "Yes! This is what awaits me behind the Pearly Promiscuous Gates." If I could go back and redo the first full day of my sexual career, I'd make sure it included six big O's and a suite in a CEO's chambers. Alas, I can't. And it's not fair

What I really want from Fifty Shades author E.L. James is the validation that sex like this doesn't exist. It's not real. And it's definitely not a reality for first-timers -- or any-timers for that matter. Sex isn't always served mind-blowingly hot with a side of a satisfying, all encompassing orgasm. In fact, it rarely is. According to Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed though, sexy times always happens like that.

But oh, how I wish it did. Until sex does turn out like it says in the books, I'll just wait for 50 Shades of Unsatisfied Virgins Who Thought Their First Time Was Going to Be So Crazy But It Turns Out It Wasn't & Never Will Be to hit shelves. I'm predicting another best seller!

Do you think E.L. James' portrayal of Ana's first time was too over the top?

 

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