'50 Shades of Grey' Lies About a Girl’s First Time

50 shades of grey bedroomMothers, hug your daughters close for this one 'cause it's about to get really real up in here. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If you haven't, I'm going to sum it up for you so we can move on: lucky (and I mean LUCKYAna Steele falls into the hands of dirty-dom Christian Grey and has the most amazing sex of her life every hour. Every day. Every week.

Oh and did I mention, Ana is a virgin at the start of the book -- so not only does she hit the hunky mega-millions, she also strikes orgasm gold. How's that for good fortune? OK, so now that we've got the gist of things, I'd like to tell you all a liiiiittle something else.

Ana's first time is a TOTAL LIE.

!&!$&$#%$#%%^%$^%^&"?!?!?!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A LIE?!

Well, let me explain.

More from The Stir: 10 Filthy '50 Shades of Grey' Sex Lies We're Not Buying

When I had sex for the first time there were no sparks, no fireworks, no Holy sh*@! This is the best thing ever! And there was no orgasm for me, either. It was more like, "Oh my god. Get up. Go home. This is so awkward. Tell NO ONE. Ever." Not for little Miss Steele though. The first 24 hours that she and Christian spent together, Ana orgasmed six timesDaaaaamnnnn, girl!

I nearly cried when I got through that chapter -- for my virgin self and for the thousands of girls who read this book and think, "Yes! This is what awaits me behind the Pearly Promiscuous Gates." If I could go back and redo the first full day of my sexual career, I'd make sure it included six big O's and a suite in a CEO's chambers. Alas, I can't. And it's not fair

What I really want from Fifty Shades author E.L. James is the validation that sex like this doesn't exist. It's not real. And it's definitely not a reality for first-timers -- or any-timers for that matter. Sex isn't always served mind-blowingly hot with a side of a satisfying, all encompassing orgasm. In fact, it rarely is. According to Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed though, sexy times always happens like that.

But oh, how I wish it did. Until sex does turn out like it says in the books, I'll just wait for 50 Shades of Unsatisfied Virgins Who Thought Their First Time Was Going to Be So Crazy But It Turns Out It Wasn't & Never Will Be to hit shelves. I'm predicting another best seller!

Do you think E.L. James' portrayal of Ana's first time was too over the top?


Image via scarycurlgirl_photos/ Flickr

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names... namestaken

Ok...it was TOTALLY over the top and unrealistic. That's what makes it a fantasy. It's just like porn..its popular and sexy fantasy, but that stuff rarely happens. I'd rather my daughter read that than watch porn personally. Maybe we should just work on knowing that its fake..just a book! And teaching our children the same.

nonmember avatar teenage dream

There's no such thing as vampires, buy that's what it's based on...

Do we really have to explain that not everything you read is true?

Rhond... RhondaVeggie

Speak for yourself. My first time was great. It was with someone I was deeply in love with. It was entirely on my terms, he didn't even know we were going to go all the way when we started messing around but I did. It was awesome and sweet and not at all awkward. If you're not in love or just having sex for the purpose of losing your V card then yeah, it's going to suck, but if you do it for the right reasons it won't.

MIA0223 MIA0223

I haven't read the book and don't plan to, but I hate to break it to you, not everyone's first time is awkward or horrible!

I had my first time as a newly wed. It was amazing!

Lynnea Brown

My first time was amazing. And almost every time after that has been amazing.... many years. The sex I have now is mind-blowing, and explosive, and all encompassing. If that's the sex you want, sometimes YOU have to make it happen. Tell your partner exactly what you want and you will have amazing sex every time!

nonmember avatar AsABugInARug

This series is horrible drivel. Why is everyone so obsessed with it? Speaking of drivel, why do you always have to be so smug, RhondaVeggie?

Alway... AlwaysExpecting

 "If you're not in love or just having sex for the purpose of losing your V card then yeah, it's going to suck, but if you do it for the right reasons it won't." - RhondaVeggie

Uh huh.  LOL I gave my virginity to my husband, so I think I was doing it or the "right" reasons ;D.  It still hurt like hell the first time, and the time after that, even though it was on my terms and I called all the shots and he always made sure to give me a "happy ending."  It took a while for us to learn how to please one another though and I think that is normal. 

There are numerous reasons why losing your viginity can suck, but to try and make people believe that it won't suck if your doing it for the right reasons is akin to shaming them for the way they chose to lose their virgintiy.

You may as well just be saying that if losing your virginity sucked, then you must have been doing it for the wrong reasons, which is so very ridiculous. 

javak... javakitty2011

it's fiction, poorly written drivel fiction. A fantasy. I can't imagine anyone would think that it is really how sex is/should be.

As far as worrying about how our virgin children see it, they shouldn't be reading it in the first place. That's a parenting thing.


nonmember avatar suebradley

@Rhondaveggie, your comment did come off as quite obnoxious. I know you probably didn't mean it that way, but it sure sounded like that.

Mrscj... Mrscjones

My first time suck. But with my husband everytime we have sex it is great and I orgasm always. If you have been having sex for years and you still can't find pleasure explore yourself more. Also this is a fiction novel. If you take fiction for truth than where are our flying cars I have been seeing them since the Jetsons.

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