I've never really understood why someone would choose to cheat year after year instead of just getting divorced -- or never getting married, for that matter. Of course, up until circa Don Draper, divorce was taboo. But these days, unfaithful spouses can't really blame society for making them stay in their marriage, lest they become social pariahs.
And yet -- plenty of married people do have long-term affairs while staying in an unhappy marriage. One such adulterer was recently interviewed (anonymously) by writer Samara O'Shea. He discussed why he recently broke up with his mistress and not the wife he claims to have married for the wrong reasons and fallen out of love with a long time ago.
The man -- married to his first wife for five years and his second (current) for 30 -- told O'Shea that he and his girlfriend ended their relationship "because we decided we'd never leave our spouses." But he doesn't regret it at all, explaining:
I am so glad that I have experienced this in my lifetime. I have not had such an intense connection with either of my wives; by the time I realized what I needed in a mate, it was too late to change.
So depressing. But why not admit defeat and switch gears midstream? Throw in the towel and be honest with yourself that you'll be happier with someone else? The adulterer says:
I have been through a divorce once and don't want to do that again. ... I just don't want to go through everything that a divorce entails. ... My wife has been a wonderful mother, and I want her to have holidays in her home with her children and grandkids. My wife has not worked outside of the house since she had our youngest 20-some years ago; I don't want to make her start all over in her 50s.
All admirable reasons for staying in a marriage, but still -- are they enough?
What I mean is ... yes, divorce is horrible, costly, stressful, pride-crushing, etc. And no one wants to be that divorced person or have to start over (or "make" your spouse start over) in your 30s, 50s, whatever age. But being a two-faced serial cheater or carrying on an affair behind your spouse's back for years seems so much worse.
Plus, you only live once. Not that marriage should ever be treated as throwaway, disposable ... But, in the end, if you're miserable, it's hard to think of any truly pressing, life-or-death reason to refuse to walk away. In the end, choosing divorce and happiness over cheating and misery just seems to make sense.
Do you understand where this man is coming from? Would you ever choose cheating over divorce?
Image via AMC
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Comments 28
But I have respect for him, adoration, I'm proud of him every day. He's a good father, considerate and kind. I will never be passionate about him, like he is for me. But I love him. Its a mild, comfortable, secure feeling, and I could not imagine my life without him. I can't wait to see what we do with our lives in the future, and what great things we'll be able to look back on in our old age.
Mild love, for me, is much better than the incoherant passion I have felt for others. This love makes me feel good about myself, and our life together.
I'm glad he decided to break off the affair and do the right thing for his wife. What he did was obviously inexcusable, but at least he stepped up in the end.
I have been on the other side, and was cheated on. My husband of 12 years had a 2 year affair with a woman at work. Everyone knew except me. One day a woman (from work) whom was mad that he had taken her chair, decided it was time to let me know exactly what was happening. I knew the feelings that I had for a long time. Why didn't he want me anymore, the sadness, thinking I was going crazy, but in no way could I understand why I felt the way I did. I thought that something was wrong with me, until I found out really what was happening. The day I found out, I put him on the street, he was only allowed to take his clothes and his toothbrush. I had never felt so humilated, or betrayed in my life. Not only for myself, but for my son, whom has missed out on so much time with his dad, due to Dad being with the GF. It is never in any situation RIGHT to cheat, if you do not want the person, at least do the right thing and give the person the opportunity to make their own choices, to have the love that evidently the two of you did not share. It is Never fair to make that selfish choice on your own. The hours and hours alone was wasted. I was young and could have been spending time with someone whom was WORTH it!
What a pig.