I've never really understood why someone would choose to cheat year after year instead of just getting divorced -- or never getting married, for that matter. Of course, up until circa Don Draper, divorce was taboo. But these days, unfaithful spouses can't really blame society for making them stay in their marriage, lest they become social pariahs.
And yet -- plenty of married people do have long-term affairs while staying in an unhappy marriage. One such adulterer was recently interviewed (anonymously) by writer Samara O'Shea. He discussed why he recently broke up with his mistress and not the wife he claims to have married for the wrong reasons and fallen out of love with a long time ago.
The man -- married to his first wife for five years and his second (current) for 30 -- told O'Shea that he and his girlfriend ended their relationship "because we decided we'd never leave our spouses." But he doesn't regret it at all, explaining:
I am so glad that I have experienced this in my lifetime. I have not had such an intense connection with either of my wives; by the time I realized what I needed in a mate, it was too late to change.
So depressing. But why not admit defeat and switch gears midstream? Throw in the towel and be honest with yourself that you'll be happier with someone else? The adulterer says:
I have been through a divorce once and don't want to do that again. ... I just don't want to go through everything that a divorce entails. ... My wife has been a wonderful mother, and I want her to have holidays in her home with her children and grandkids. My wife has not worked outside of the house since she had our youngest 20-some years ago; I don't want to make her start all over in her 50s.
All admirable reasons for staying in a marriage, but still -- are they enough?
What I mean is ... yes, divorce is horrible, costly, stressful, pride-crushing, etc. And no one wants to be that divorced person or have to start over (or "make" your spouse start over) in your 30s, 50s, whatever age. But being a two-faced serial cheater or carrying on an affair behind your spouse's back for years seems so much worse.
Plus, you only live once. Not that marriage should ever be treated as throwaway, disposable ... But, in the end, if you're miserable, it's hard to think of any truly pressing, life-or-death reason to refuse to walk away. In the end, choosing divorce and happiness over cheating and misery just seems to make sense.
Do you understand where this man is coming from? Would you ever choose cheating over divorce?
Image via AMC
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Comments 28
You are not guaranteed "passion" and overwhelming attraction through out your entire relationship. It's not going to stay easy and amorous like in the beginning for a life time. Relationships change and grow, just like people, and take WORK. If you don't want to realize that, don't go into it! My husband and I WORK at our relationship, it isn't easy with our kids to find time to do date nights and then have the energy to act like we did when we were young again, but we work at it, because the best gift we can give ourselves and our children is a strong, loving relationship between the two of us!
This is my measuring stick for "Do we need to do more work on our relationship". I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on it. Think about when you are 50 years old. For me, my husband and I will have been together over 30 years at 50. If you are not EXCITED to see what those 30 years will bring, where and what you will be doing WITH your partner, then you need to put in some serious work, reevaluate, and make some changes.. Change the age to suit whatever age you met your partner at. It works.
People screw up, even make long term mistakes. Its what they decide to do with that mistake that is the measure of who they are, and I think he's a decent man.
I have to ask... what kind of a relationship can you have if you don't love the one who loves you? You will always know that there is something better out there, and you and he know that you are sacrificing that to honor a promise that you are not honoring... to LOVE your spouse.
Divorce does not have to be evil, it does not have to strip away the financial support of a spouse, and it does not have to remove a parent from a child's life. The only thing (outside of a couple's devotion to one another) keeping marriages "forever" is religion - which, it can be argued, can't even keep its own promises!
We need to remove the stigma of divorce, and people need to understand that it isn't about "who can get more", but finding an equitable solution to a situation that wasn't working.
No, I'm not saying that marriages shouldn't stay together, and if 'staying together for the kids' is working for a family, than more power to you. But at the same time, that is often detrimental to the kids, and doesn't set a good example for their future relationships.
If you are cheating, the marriage is broken and it's time to leave. Just don't be vindictive about it.
"Plus, unless I can find a much younger woman to support me in my old age (ha), there are not enough assets to support both my wife and me in separate retirement."
That's decent?
But based soley on what the author of this blog wrote, yes he sounds decent.
If there's more to it in the link, then idk until I can get to my computer and read it.
I think he loves his wife more than he knows. Maybe it isn't the intense passion he felt for his mistress, but to want to give his wife all those things at the sacrifice of his own full level of happiness, that is love. And I think a stronger type of love than passion, maybe he just doesn't realize it.
And I do get where he is coming from. I have never cheated, nor will I, but my husband's uncle, who is 65, just went through a terrible divorce and his ex took him to the cleaners. And courts sided with her because she hadn't worked in 30 years. He was how she lived and thus, he needs to continue to support her in that way. He was also having an affair (which his ex told him he could as long as he didn't leave her), and they are getting married this weekend. It is nice to see him so happy, but he is going to have to work for a very long time now because he will always have to support his ex. So I understand this man's desire to avoid that, especially if he has been though it.
I could not imagine staying in a relationship if I did not love my husband. How on earth can you be happy like that? Your husband is supposed to be your best friend, the person you want to talk to everyday, who understands when you are in a bad mood and just need some space. Am I dreaming here because I would rather be alone for the rest of my life that be in a loveless marriage. I don't care about passion, yes it is fantastic and amazing and wonderful but it fades, but love? REALLY?
Many don't realize, love can be mild.