Love & Sex

This Fifty Shades of Grey fad that's converting soccer moms into sex-crazed seductresses is certainly not a bad thing for us guys. In fact, this "mommy porn" is pretty damn fantastic.

Some people say Fifty Shades isn't really mommy porn, though. In fact they've even written their own mommy porn themselves to show how it really should be done. Well, that's all well and good, but what about us guys? Where's our porn? (I mean, besides the kind we keep hidden in our sock drawer.)

Guys are naturally drawn to all things porn-related. Yet most guys don't like to read. Therein lies the problem. But I think I have it solved with my version of Fifty Shades of Grey. I call it Fifty Cuts of Bacon.

Here's a look at some sample chapters:

Chapter 1

I pull into the driveway after a long day of work. It's hot. The Yankees are losing to the Sox. I'm so not in the mood to talk. Or deal with the kids. It's gonna be a long night.

As I reach for the front door, it magically glides open. There, standing in the doorway is Anna, wearing stiletto heels and a black-and-white French Maid's outfit, complete with feather duster in hand.

"Welcome home, stud," she says as her lips attack mine, her hands pulling mine to rest on her firm cheeks. Yeah, those cheeks.

"Anastasia!" I exclaim. I always use her full stage name when we're getting busy. "What about the kids?!?"

She presses her slender fingers to my lips, as she starts leading me up the stairs to the bedroom. "Don't worry about it, Christian. They're at my mother's for the night," she says. "Come, I have a surprise for you."

My heart's racing a mile a minute and my pants are getting tighter by the second as I watch her hips sway from side to side. We enter the bedroom and every one of my senses is attacked at once. Van Halen's blasting on the stereo. The flat screen's got the ballgame on. A camcorder's set up on a tripod by the bed. And... what's that smell? Is it? Could it be? Yes, there on my nightstand is a hot meatball sub waiting to be devoured. Just like my Anna.

CHAPTER 5:

I prop my feet up on the ottoman as I lean back on the couch and grab the remote.

"Should be just in time to catch the first pitch," I think, as I turn the game on. I then casually slide my hand down the remote to click the beautiful red button labeled BEER.

Instantly, Anna's at my side. She's of course wearing that red cocktail dress that drives me wild. The low-cut one with the crazy long slit in it that makes her legs go on forever. She hands me an ice cold mug filled with this week's beer selection.

"Sorry it took me so long," she says, batting her eyelashes as she bends over my seat to fix the cushions behind me. Sure can't beat that view.

CHAPTER 9:

I wake up to the most wonderful smell in the world. Bacon. Not just any bacon, but the best smelling bacon my nose has ever had the privilege of inhaling.

I leap out of bed and race to the kitchen. Anna's there, wearing nothing but an apron and a smile. Oh, right. The kids are still at a sleepover.

"I thought you'd be hungry after last night, so I'm whipping you up something special," she says, her tongue slowly tracing a loop around her lips.

It's bacon. Beautiful, magical bacon. But not just any old bacon, it's fifty different cuts of bacon. All sorts of shapes, sizes and thickness. Canadian bacon. Side bacon. Streaky bacon. Back bacon. Cottage bacon. Slab bacon.

They're all here. All Fifty Cuts of Bacon piled on one huge breakfast plate. And all for me.

That's it for this preview. Other chapters will feature beer, sexy outfits, video games, sporting events, beer, and more sexy outfits.

What do you think men would love to read about?

Image via wEnDy/Flickr