The media is full of stories about John Travolta's alleged groping incidents with male masseurs and asking, "Is he gay?" and "Did his wife know?" We don't know what is going on in John Travolta and Kelly Preston's marriage, but plenty of other non-celeb couples deal with this issue every day.
Contrary to popular belief, finding out your partner is gay is not something a spouse "knows about" and decides to ignore. It is horrible, shocking, and surreal. Believe me, I know.
But if the spouse of a friend or family member comes out, you can help. Your friendship and emotional support will be vital at this devastating time. The first way you'll want to help your friend is by NOT say the following 13 things -- no matter how much you want to.
Didn’t you know?
(No.)
Did you see any signs?
(No.)
My cousin’s friend’s sister’s husband came out.
(That's great. Has nothing to do with me.)
Isn’t that better than another woman?
(No. It's different. Not better.)
It’s good he came out though, right?
(Probably, but I can't celebrate right now.)
I always suspected.
(You're an asshole.)
Didn’t you have sex?
(Yes.)
Ha. That's funny.
(I actually had someone say this.)
Are you going to get an AIDS test?
(Yes, but that is not what I want to discuss right now.)
Maybe he’s just going through a phase.
(Maybe so, but right now he's gay and I'm destroyed.)
Is he the father of your children?
(Yes.)
Did he always want to do anal with you?
(No. You've seen Brokeback Mountain too many times.)
Are you worried about him being around the kids?
(No. He's gay, not a child molester.)
And now here are some things that you could say to a friend or family member that would be really helpful and appreciated:
I'm really sorry this happened.
This is devastating.
I'm here to support you.
Call me whenever you need to talk.
I'm in total shock right now.
What would you say to a friend whose husband or wife came out?
Image via Carbon NYC/Flickr
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Comments 17
Perhaps, Missy, if many people didn't shout at the top of their lungs and with all of their religious might that being gay is a SIN and an ABOMINATION, men and women would try hiding themselves inside a societal mold via a fake heterosexual relationship.
I understand just how devestating it could be, but at the same time, until society learns to accept the LGBT community as NORMAL then these false relationships will continue to happen, as men and women try to live up to a heterosexual, Christian based LGBT hating standard!
I'm currently going through this. Agree that society is not accepting as it should be of homosexuality, trangender, etc... . However, that does not excuse any person for using another human being for their cover, to blame them for problems in the relationship which are really because they're in the closet, or to continue to have sex with them while they experiement with anonymous hookups. Some comments here talk about how much we should wave the rainbow flag while we're waiting six months to find out if we're HIV positive or negative.
The man who is still my husband legally (15 yrs tomorrow) is a fantastic dad, very much appears to be the best friend he was to me throughout most of our marriage, he feels guilty for what he's putting me and our children through in our breakup and all the pain. But he's now gay, which has ripped out my heart (along with his lies, anonymous cheating), being that he was the person I expected to spend my life sleeping next to.
Check out Straight Spouse Network to get more informed on the often ignored side of this horrific painful experience.
I wonder how many of these men are being labeled as gay when in fact they are actually bisexual - and there fore with the willingness of the other person can actuallysave their relationship in the same way a hetero couple deals with infidelity. As a bisexual female I find it heartbreaking to hear of these relationships being destroyed because society syas we must decide. YES of course you must abide by the rules of your relationship and if that includes monogomy then that has to be accepted, but it doesn't mean you can't still love your partner.
For eg: I have months when I feel very straight and months when I feel very gay, and months when I could go either way. Point is I am in a monogomous relationship with my partner, I watch porn fatasize, whatever I need to do to get me through those gay months but it never affects the love I have for my partner. If you are going through this don't shut the door on your husband until you have both had time to adjust, if you still love him, go see a counsillor, renegotiate your terms and deal breakers and see what happens. You might face divorce, or you might find you have a happy husband who really just wants to be understood and accepted as he is and can live without another partner just like we all do when we are happy with our spouses
I agree Toni that some couples seem to make MOMs (mixed orientation marriages) work. I tried to save it... very very hard. He is the one ending it. I'm just trying to move forward the best I can, support him and our children the best I can while going through my own pain.
SORRY... This happened to TWO friends of mine... I myself almost ended up in 2 relationships that would have ended up this way... The first one, I found how he was chatting and trading photos with men and he had hidden a gay DVD and had some pretty sick stuff on the computer... Another one told me before the relationship got too far that he had "experimented"... That was all I needed to hear! The signs aren't always there... I think these men need to be punished for doing this... If you're gay/confused, just remain single if you're afraid to "come out"... Don't get other lives involved and ultimately hurt everyone...