Women Who Want '50 Shades of Grey' Sex Can't Always Be on Top

woman yelling at her manWhether or not they salivated over the love story of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, women who have read Fifty Shades of Grey can't seem to shrug off the submissive fantasy at the heart of the trilogy. They're left wondering about trading power for pleasure. And they're wondering how -- if at all -- it's possible to enjoy a BDSM-flavored sexcapade that may seem like 180 degrees from their admittedly vanilla sex lives. Where would they even begin?

As it turns out, as author and relationship/sex coach Pamela Madsen explains, getting our lovers to behave more like Christian and take charge in bed really has nothing to do with buying them a fancy necktie or flogger ... and a lot more to do with making him feel like The Man.

Madsen, author of "real-life Fifty Shades of Grey" memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure...and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner, says she frequently talks to women about the reason their men are struggling to be more dominant in the bedroom: We are constantly "topping" (BDSM term for being dominant/wearing the pants) our men! The "offense" could be as simple as sending them out for groceries and upon their return, criticizing the brands or types of milk or cheese they've bought. Or taking charge in any situation -- from financial to child-rearing to how you have sex -- because you're assuming he doesn't want to be bothered or you've become accustomed to being the decision-maker, the one in control. Madsen explains:

When we're topping our men all the time, how are they going to have the balls to top us? You want him to be in a place of masculine power, feeling that he can take you in his arms and throw you on the bed. But is he going to want that after you cut off his balls? If you don't let him pick the movie or the restaurant? If you're running the show in the bedroom?

It makes sense, right? So, how do you stop topping your man? Not only so he'll give you what you desire, but so you quit taking a toll on his masculinity and confidence -- two traits that are extremely integral to him rocking both of your worlds in bed. Madsen says we should ask ourselves:

How are we communicating -- with thoughtfulness, gentleness, and love? Can we let him win ever? Try changing the attitude in the house.

Oh, sure, the knee-jerk reaction to what Madsen says might be that women have worked really hard to be equals with their partners, so why sacrifice that for a more intense romp in the hay? But Madsen's not talking about throwing all of your power and control down the drain. She even says that since being a submissive woman, it's not like she's given up her ability to "top" in her everyday life or take charge in her marriage. (And when you think about it, by making the conscious decision to surrender to our men, we're still exhibiting control over a situation to get what we want!)

The bottom-line: Sex isn't always politically correct. There are traditional masculine and feminine roles and boundaries we should try to respect if we want to keep sexual chemistry balanced -- and especially if we want our men to be more like Christian Grey!

Be honest: Do you ever find yourself topping your man? Would you try to stop in order to heat up your sex life?


sex, love, fifty shades of grey


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

Sierr... SierraLynn

I'm so flipping sick of hearing about this awful book. Worse the twilight... Damn.

Water... Water_geM

i wonder if the er will see a increase of bdsm related accidents.

Jamie Lieb

@SierraLynn--So stop reading about it....

nonmember avatar Wendy

Fantasy is not reality. Reading an erotic novel and having a private moment with it isn't the same as being in a committed D/s relationship. All the housewives who are all gaga over this book (which I have not and don't intend to read), come back and talk to me when you've live it for a few months - assuming you last that long without resuming control of the relationship.

nonmember avatar Krystie

I live this lifestyle 24/7 with my husband, its not for the faint of heart nor is it for those "wannabe" this lifestyle has serious risks and rammifications if things are not done correctly. and sorry to bust your bubble, a Dom like Christian Grey does NOT exist, there is no "perfect Dom" he isn't beautiful, rich, and showers you with tons of gifts and the True Dom's make mistakes, they screw up as much as any other HUMAN. Great Fantasy book, love reading it but don't get your hopes up and expect to beable to live this life at the drop of a hat

nonmember avatar Denise

Well time to voice my opinion...Yes this book had a lot of sex in it, but I got more out of it than that. I was a very good love story. Ana gave Christian a love he never knew. They connected on a level most relationship dont. It wasnt all about the sex and dom. He would of gave all that up to be with her but to spice the story up she liked some of it. So all of you bashing the book read it and see it for the true romance and love attraction that it really is not just the sex that spices it up. I also think most who read it and enjoy it and likeing it just for the dom & sub part they like it for the true romance and the strong attraction Christian & Ana have. That is what most woman want the majic of that special connection.

nonmember avatar Tracy

Well put Denise! I agree 100%!!

Kim Niessen

Wendy and Krystie are very right. If only a man like Christian exists... but he doesn't.

In answer to the topic, I feel that women these days are MUCH too dominant, not just in their daily lives, but also during sex. I've never quite understood why. A submissive man will never gain my respect, it's just such a turnoff. Men should be on top - it's what makes them a man (sorry if I offend any readers, that is not my intention).

Even though I loved reading the books (I've always been very interested in the BDSM scene), I often found Christian too soft in his ways. Most of the time he is pleasing or worshipping HER while I feel it should be the other way around. He didn't have a hard time handling his 15 subs, but apparently Ana was too tough? Hard to believe. Bottom line, I would have enjoyed the book alot more if Ana were to become his submissive.. All I can do is hope that James will write a book regarding his earlier relationships (Leila in particular). This would be so interesting!

AndeL... AndeLyons

GREAT article Maressa!

LOVE your comment Kim Niessen! I curate a fabulous selection of romantic erotica at BringBackDesire.com... including a delicious selection of 'Who's The Boss' stories ... and the D/s relationships in the collection are more in alignment with how a D/s relationship really works... and they are written really well... YUM!

I agree with Pamela Madsen's comments. Women are hanging out way too much in their masculine energy. And we need to understand our Y Chromosome is NOT a hairy woman... he's a MAN... he thinks like a man... he needs to be appreciated, not criticized... and he doesn't do 'subtle hints' ... men need clear outlines of what's going to happen and how long is it going to take. Woman love to be understood and we love to read each other's minds... thank goodness for our girlfriends!

Men are wired to protect and provide... tap into that side of their nature, especially in the bedroom where, with some 'clear direction,' they will HAPPILY provide you with amazing pleasure... whether they're the Dom or the sub.



Michelle Bevan

Wish some narrow minded / perverted people would read books properly and realise 50 Shades is just not about Christian wanting Ana to be his submissive and the subsequent sex scenes, there is soooo much more to this story as is revealed throughout the trilogy and if you cant see beyond the sexual scenes then I feel sorry for you! Rant over xxx

1-10 of 17 comments 12 Last