How Long Should You Wait to Have Sex With a New Guy?

bedWhen should I sleep with him? That's a question every women asks herself when she's thinking about breaking the sex seal with her new man.

Sometimes it's about love. Other times it's booze-inspired lust. Or as one friend, who always changes the sheets afterwards, puts it: "Is this guy worth an unscheduled laundry day?"

It may not be romantic but you have to admit, it's damn practical. She's a busy girl.

Lately, I've realized that my friends all have different takes on the issue.

I was hanging with a pal who has been dating her boyfriend for almost four months. Call me Snooki, but I was totally surprised when she said they hadn't gotten it on yet. She has a rule: no sex until the six-month mark. The reason? Now that she's 30-something, she's not in the dating game for kicks anymore. If she's seeing a man, it's because he has spouse potential. She doesn't want to muddle up the getting-to-know-the-real-you process with sex.

The other must? When they do actually do the deed, it has to be a planned event. No hot and heavy, spur of the moment thing. She wants a memory that they both can cherish as opposed to a rushed sex-spree. While I thought that part was a little idealistic, it's a philosophy I can respect.

Another friend has it boiled down to a much simpler equation: "It depends on the guys," she says. "Nice guy but not attractive -- three dates. Hot guy -- 12 hours." As far as she's concerned, finding out if you have sexual chemistry is key to considering if someone has long-term potential.

A divorced girlfriend has yet another stance on the subject. If she really likes a guy and thinks he would make a good boyfriend, she would sleep with him early on. Why wait if those heart-skipping-a-beat vibes are already there? If she is unsure about him, then she would take it date by date. There is one exception though: If some hot-beyond-her-wildest-dreams stud wants a one-night stand, she's totally game.

Bottom line is dating is complicated and sex makes it more so. So when it comes to giving up the goods, you have to do what works best for you -- and your laundry schedule.

Do you have a rule about when to have sex with a new boyfriend?


Image via visit~fingerlakes/Flickr

dating, commitment, hooking up, love, sex, single moms


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

Torra... TorranceMom

I'm traditional - I think the only man a woman should have sex with is her husband.

Livin... LivinBlessed

I was with my husband on our first date, and we're celebrating our 13th anniversary this year:) Not something I would recommend for just anyone, but when it's right-it's right! I definitely believe that rules about how many dates and all that are just silly. You never know how you'll feel till you're there!

bb510 bb510

How about marriage?

Samal... Samallama

I think it's different for everyone. Back when I was young I usually waited for the third or fourth date. I've always known I would never get married, so what was the point in my waiting? I like sex, I wasn't going to hang something we both wanted over our heads...

But I still think it's admirable when people do wait until marriage, if thats what they want. I just can't imagine how someone could say that should be the basis for everyone. Every single person on this planet is different, every relationship has a different dynamic. 

Bonnie Bruns Williams

@LivinBlessed - Me too! I completely agree with you! I was barely 18 when I met my husband (he was 22).  We were co-workers even! We were friends at work and we carpooled sometimes as well. After a few months working together, we started to hang out after work.  Maybe 3 weeks later we slept together and we have been married for almost 14 years, we have 4 beautiful kids and are very happy and committed to our marriage.  There is no "rule", life just happens -- you cannot  plan or control it. 

(Although, I know we are the major minority for young marriages actually working -- it will be interesting what we do when one of our kids brings "the one" home when they are 18 or 19...)

nonmember avatar Lynn

My boyfriend & I waited almost a year to have sex. The main reason was because I was a virgin & he was not. He never rushed it, & only wanted to have sex when I was ready. I am glad we waited so long because it showed that he actually love me for me, not because how I was in bed.

For some people reading they may think that we waited too long; while there my be others who think we didn't wait long enough. It depends on the people in the relationship. There won't be a right or wrong answer.

kuwel... kuwelsdestiny

How about waiting until you know for a fact he is worth it? How about waiting until a relationship has been defined as mutually exclusive? How about waiting until you know for sure he would take care of any children produced by that act? (and please dont spark the abortion debate. its not about whether its ok, its about whether a woman is able to go thru with it. I have 2 girlfriends who are former believers in abortion - right up until they found themselves in a pickle, and just couldnt do it.

nonmember avatar vancity88

My first bf we waited 6 months (first time for both) we were 19-20, then my current bf we were 22/24 and we waited about 2 weeks but right after we met we sorta knew.. We had a surprise after 6 months and though we didnt plan on having a baby that soon we're so glad we did! Still in love, still happy, and it wasn't love at first sight but it was definitely knowing this was something special right off the bat

nonmember avatar Karl Londser

From the comments it's obvious that this is a US site; only in America do people have such quirky 'morals'! Why do even those who do the reasonable thing and get it on early express their admiration for folks who wait for ridiculous amounts of time? It makes no sense! Sex is fun and healthy, and it's a really important part of living with a partner, be it short or long term. Just do it.

tina0... tina08mommy

First time I was with the guy a little under 2 months of dating. I was a virgin. We were together for 5 years after that and we have 2 boys together. Next guy I did it with him the day after we got together. My current bf I slept with him the day we got together. But I knew a little about him before we started dating

1-10 of 12 comments 12 Last