Danica McKellar's divorce is an incredibly sad thing. It's a family tragedy, if you will. It's many, many things, most of which are sad. But it's also something she can get through, something she can recover from, and something she will get past if she does it right. Death is none of those things. So when McKellar, who played Winnie Cooper in the iconic series Wonder Years, talks about it being like a "death in the family," it does raise some interesting issues.
How much is divorce like a death?
As someone who has been through a death (but not a divorce), I can't say I completely understand. I know that divorce is painful as I have seen many people go through one. But a death? I am less sure how I feel about that.
Look, pain is pain. And the pain Olympics isn't a sporting event I would choose to attend. I understand McKellar is under great stress and my heart goes out to her and all people who divorce with young children. But losing someone to death? It's forever.
That is the big difference. Sure, every divorce is different and some are uglier and more painful than others. The same is true of death. But when you get into whose pain is worse or comparing pain, you do end up in a bad situation.
Divorce is divorce and death is death. Both are painful and both cause grief, but they aren't the same thing.
When a person divorces and they do it amicably, it's something that can be traversed. A person can "get through" the pain of a divorce, remarry, and get on with their lives. Losing someone is forever.
Maybe to the people around you, divorce is like a death in the family. But the grief that comes from divorce, while in the moment may seem acute and awful, isn't the same as the grief that comes from death. That never ends. Trust me, I am here 18 years after losing my mom and there are days it hurts as badly as the day it happened.
Obviously every death and every divorce is different and every person's pain tolerance is different, too. But a friend of mine who has been through both a messy divorce and losing her mother says the pain isn't even comparable. The pain of the death is far more acute.
My heart goes out to Danica, but as long as she does her divorce right, she will get through it and her child will be OK and he will have both his parents. People who lose someone? They aren't that lucky.
Do you think divorce is like death?
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Comments 22
It depends on the divorce and the death that you are comparing it to. In some cases, where "amicable" is conditional on the presence of the children and the spouse's reasons for departure were never explained or apologized for, the absolute void of "closure" can be a lot like death, or, in some people's view, worse. It was once said to me that, in the case of a friend whose YOUNG husband passed horrifically and tragically in a car accident and another whose husband walked out with no explanation and left crying and confusion in his wake, at least the former knew why her husband was gone and would eventually be able to move on, hopefully. The latter is still a wreck and absolutely doesn't trust herself or members of the opposite sex.
It SOUNDS callous and awful, but I've been through BOTH and I absolutely understand what Danica is saying - it's just not something that should necessarily be said out loud.
think you're reading way, way, way too much into her comment. It has obviously been a devestating experience for her and that is how she feels. Next...
Exactly what authority would you have to write about this subject since you have never been divorced?
I totally agree with Kritika!
It's perfectly okay for her to express herself this way. I know exactly how she feels. Bubbs gave a great example up there (see above) . My ex left me without a word or an explanation. Didn't even show up at the courthouse. I have not seen nor spoken to him in over 12 years. And damn, that's cold, maybe worse than a death (depending on the death and your relationship to the departed). I see people die on a weekly basis (I work as a caregiver to the terminally ill) and I watch the families--all of whom differ greatly in regards to feelings and expression of sadness, regret, love, etc. The one thing I haven't personally experienced id the death of a very close relative, which the author has, so I couldn't possibly understnad from her persepective. However....I can feel it from Danica's.
But....she WILL get through it and be glad once she is on the other side of it. The beauty of persepctive is that it can change.
In death there is both sympathy and empathy for the widow/widower. In divorce there are feelings of failure, guilt, embarrasment and even shame. Although neither is easy, in some ways I think death provides the surviving spouse with more understanding than divorce. I am going to be tackling parenting struggles on my web site, Jeanestee.com. Stop by and check it out.
Actually, dear author... death much like divorce if "done right" you too can also get through, recover from,and get past if 'done right' as you so callously put. -- once again way to be condescending. Just because you don't agree with the opinion of someone else you put theirs down. I don't get the way your mind works. She too will have to mourn this loss. Do you not think she loved this husband and marriage just as much as you always gush about on your posts? Do you not think she will have to mourn the life and vision she had planned for her family, what once was and never will be... just like your life was once and never will be after your mother's death? Don't judge what you haven't been through... the complexities of divorce are much more heartbreaking than you can ever read or hear about second-hand.
I've read that pain from divorce is the closest thing there is to the pain from death. As others have stated, it definitely depends on the nature of the divorce and the relationship to the death. I think I can speak from experience as I was divorced after 28 years and also lost my mother 22 years ago, when she was only 55. We were very close. I was also happily married for most of those 28 years until he had a midlife crisis and said he didn't love me anymore. The pain from both was excruciating. I still greive for my deceased mother and even though I'm happier now than I was at the end of my marriage and have been in a loving relationship for 3 years, I still tearup at the loss of my marriage. My point is that I definitely feel the pain was equal. If anything, the pain from the divorce may have been even more so. I miss my mother terribly but I had my husband and son to help me thru it. My children have tried to help regarding the divorce but he's their father and they're children (granted one was grown but he was away in the Marines). Anyway, like I said I'm happier now and you do get thru it even though at the time I didn't think I would.