When people think about an "abused woman," they probably don't picture a strong, smart, intelligent, and sassy kind of person. I'd guess they'd picture a housewife wearing Mom jeans crying into her apron over her latest black eye.
Couldn't be farther from the truth. ANY woman can get caught up in a bad relationship - be it the executive down the hall or the janitor who sweeps up after you in the ladies room.
So let's break down those stereotypes and figure out why women - all KINDS of women - stay in bad relationships.
1) Fear of being alone. I know in this day and age, we women are supposed to be tough and fearless, but it's not always the case. We can behave as though we're tough and fearless, while inside, we long to be wanted by our partner.
2) The devil you know versus the devil you don't. There's something comforting in staying with your partner - bad relationship and all - because at least you know what's next.
3) Fear that this is the best there is out there. A lot of people - women who have been in bad relationships, especially - have their self-esteem eroded slowly by their partner (and life) so much that they honestly believe their current partner IS the best they'll ever get.
4) "It's not that bad." I don't know how many times I've run across those words on my non-profit site, where we get a great number of domestic abuse stories sent in to us. Women believe erroneously that because their story isn't as graphic or as horrible as someone else's, it's not really worth it to talk about their partners who really only get upset when they "do something wrong."
5) You're a perfectionist. Everything you do is the BEST out there. Therefore, your relationship must not be broken, it's just facing "challenges." The idea of failure is so tremendous that leaving never even crosses your mind.
6) He has some sort of leverage. Often men who are truly abusive threaten a woman, saying he will hurt her children, her pets, or her family if she leaves him.
7) You love him - plain and simple.
8) You believe he will change. He says he will. He's TRYING to change. You just make him SO MAD. If only you STOPPED making him SO MAD!
9) He makes you feel special beyond compare. Even if you're not quite good enough (his words), he'll manipulate you into feeling grateful that someone like him could be with someone like YOU.
10) You can't see how truly bad it is. Whether it's because you've been isolated from friends or family or you don't want to see how bad things are, you don't have any idea things have gotten this dire.
How do I know all this? I've been there, too.
What are some other reasons women stay in bad relationships?
Image via anathea/Flickr
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Comments 89
I stayed in a bad relationship for about 2 and a half years. Not only was there physical abuse but also mental and emotional. He had me believing that I was worthless, a slut, a terrible mother, that my family and friends hated me and thought I was worthless as well. THANK GOD for my best friend who helped me pull my head out of my butt and get out. But I also realize how freaking lucky I was to have the support system that I had. I know there are many many other women out there who don't have support, money, what have you to facilitate an escape.
Seems like everyone in here is hell bent on making excuses for their own inaction, or that of someone they know.
THAT is the problem. All the excuses.
Women need to be stronger so that men CAN'T abuse them, and if they do, it ain't for long. The abusers are obviously are to blame for the action, but every person in the world is responsible for their own safety.
I don't think it's just excuses, I think alot of it is the woman has no where to go. No job, no money, a child or two...or three.
HockeyMomNJ, it was that simple before children were brought into the mix. And what kind of person brings children into an abusive relationship? I'm so tired of abused women refusing to accept responsibility for their own actions. Each person in a relationship contributes something to both the good and the bad. Women in these situations are accountable for their choices. They are not completely innocent victims. Their children on the other hand, are very much innocent victims. Refusing to address the abused's accountability in abusive relationships ensures that abuse will continue to happen. It takes two people to have a relationship. If there's no relationship then there can be no abusive relationship. And let's be very clear, women are not the only victims. Men get abused in relationships as well and have even fewer resources than women. This is not a woman's issue. It's a violence issue.
zandhmom2, there are always options.
Usually one stays in for the kids - especially when mental/emotional abuse only. You take it until he starts on the kids. Then you are out! Financially difficult to do alone, but it can be done. The emotional scars are huge! Anyone who thinks this is easy - is sadly mistaken. If it were just the husband/wife you could end it. When the abuse doesn't start until after kids, it is very difficult. How do you protect kids when he will have visitation or partial custody? Many stay to "protect" their kids. At least they are there to do something about it! My prayers and well wishes to all involved in such an awful situation. I was in it. Yes, smart, educated, etc. There is way more involved than just leaving!
Alinoelle - You are so correct about when you have no resources. My parents died when I was very young. I had to get my daughter out and take care of us, which I did! Lots of emotional damage though. No one who hasn't experienced narcissism, control, etc., can understand at all. It is awful and it isn't like they present all this up front! It doesn't only happen to stupid women!
4mutts - You do not know what you are talking about! I guess life has been pretty easy for you, huh?
Floridamom - You think that the abuse starts before the children? You think abuse just starts right away? Oh no, they are trickier than that! That would be easy to leave - before the children. Usually abuse starts after children. Now, they are jealous - now that man who wanted children so much - is no kind of a father - no kind of a husband. Mine was mentally and psychologically abusive. What a joy! Read above - fears of his harming the child if you divorce etc. Those of you who think the answer is so simple have had pretty easy lives!
Very, very rarely do people suddenly do a 180 becoming someone completely different without some precipitating traumatic event. Good, kind, patient, loving partners don't suddenly become abusers. There are other behaviors (as many, including yourself, have stated) leading up to physical abuse. That was the time for your partner to get help or you to leave. When abuse turns physical it's rarely a surprise. Not Once did I say it was simple, but it is possible. To say one has no choice and no options isn't true. You always have options. If someone being abused chooses to say because the alternative is something they wish to avoid then they are accountable for that choice. They are no longer a victim, they are complicit in the abuse.