When people think about an "abused woman," they probably don't picture a strong, smart, intelligent, and sassy kind of person. I'd guess they'd picture a housewife wearing Mom jeans crying into her apron over her latest black eye.
Couldn't be farther from the truth. ANY woman can get caught up in a bad relationship - be it the executive down the hall or the janitor who sweeps up after you in the ladies room.
So let's break down those stereotypes and figure out why women - all KINDS of women - stay in bad relationships.
1) Fear of being alone. I know in this day and age, we women are supposed to be tough and fearless, but it's not always the case. We can behave as though we're tough and fearless, while inside, we long to be wanted by our partner.
2) The devil you know versus the devil you don't. There's something comforting in staying with your partner - bad relationship and all - because at least you know what's next.
3) Fear that this is the best there is out there. A lot of people - women who have been in bad relationships, especially - have their self-esteem eroded slowly by their partner (and life) so much that they honestly believe their current partner IS the best they'll ever get.
4) "It's not that bad." I don't know how many times I've run across those words on my non-profit site, where we get a great number of domestic abuse stories sent in to us. Women believe erroneously that because their story isn't as graphic or as horrible as someone else's, it's not really worth it to talk about their partners who really only get upset when they "do something wrong."
5) You're a perfectionist. Everything you do is the BEST out there. Therefore, your relationship must not be broken, it's just facing "challenges." The idea of failure is so tremendous that leaving never even crosses your mind.
6) He has some sort of leverage. Often men who are truly abusive threaten a woman, saying he will hurt her children, her pets, or her family if she leaves him.
7) You love him - plain and simple.
8) You believe he will change. He says he will. He's TRYING to change. You just make him SO MAD. If only you STOPPED making him SO MAD!
9) He makes you feel special beyond compare. Even if you're not quite good enough (his words), he'll manipulate you into feeling grateful that someone like him could be with someone like YOU.
10) You can't see how truly bad it is. Whether it's because you've been isolated from friends or family or you don't want to see how bad things are, you don't have any idea things have gotten this dire.
How do I know all this? I've been there, too.
What are some other reasons women stay in bad relationships?
Image via anathea/Flickr
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Comments 89
My husband was in treatment for more than two years for things that never happened. He still doesn't believe that his emotional explosions were inapporpriate, frightening and threatening. He thinks that because he never hit me or the children he was a model father.
He's honestly crazy. I hoped that medical care would make him better but once I realized that he was delusional and a chronic liar, I realized he wouldn't get better.. that this was him and I left.
If I had waited even a few days, I would have been trapped by state laws but because we had moved within six months of me leaving him, I was under no state's jurisdiction. I took the kids and went to the only safe place I had.. family.
It has been almost six months and I will finally be able to file for divorce. I'm still dealing with his crazy long distance but at least it is long distance and at least his meltdowns are now only virtual ones for me.
I'm glad I left. Perhaps I should have left earlier but I left as soon as I realized that he was not going to get better.
Abusers are often adept manipulators and liers; they also feel their behavior is justified and acceptable. Take a look at comments on general news sites whenever there is a story about divorce or custody... you see a lot of men arguing that they lost custody because their spouse lied about them being abusive or that the "system" favors women or that women just want $$. How many of these men were abusers (violent or non-violent) who simply believe they were justififed?
I would recommend "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It was eye opening.
As the4mutts said, at some point you become responsible for your decision to stay. There is ALWAYS a point in an abusive relationship where the abused can leave. Making excuses for why you stay makes you a part of the problem.
Floridamom96
its hard to explain.the guy i loved choked me,left bruise(i was in high school) so i ha to come up with excuses fr them,his mom even ignored it and kicked me out for three moms(cause i was living with them after i got kicked out of my own home).she said it was my fault nad he did too.he friends who i fell in lovw with,came over for a visit,my ex and me got into it he choked me and i screamed which made the other guy come in,look at me,look at him and he just knew.
to be honest my best choice was to get with his friend,he was my savior on the weekends when i could get away and stay the night over there,he made sure i had food(since he didnt know if i ate that day,or if i just had a sandwich),he protected me adn even defended me when my ex said he didnt.i remember the words my ex and him said
"i didnt do anything wrong"-ex
"dudeyou choked her in front of em adn matt and constiantly hit her,we've all seen it so stop lying-new guy.
althugh me and the new guy broke up after we had a daughter,it was the best choice i made since it got me out and i was safe
that was to floridamom96 btw.
i tried tog et out,but since i had no place i couldnt,i was in high school i had to live within my distric and with a gurdian.i wanted to keave.i was living with my ex when i found out i was having his friends kid,i with my babys dad for a couple days,found me a safe group home we very well(friends where there and it wqas safe),we went checked it out i stayed with my baby daddy a totla of 4 days and then moved,my house mom took me to get my things and that was it.i never regret moving out of the home
I think that these women must have been raised without self-confidence at their core, and that made them vulnerable to abusers. My sister and I are confident and strong, and neither of us has ever been abused. (She was in an unhealthy relationship in high school, but figured out that it was wrong and left him, and then went to an assertiveness training class to figure out why she had gotten into that in the first place.) We are both happily married to good men who treat us with respect and love.
We should do a better job raising our children, as a culture, so that our boys don't grow up to be abusers, and our daughters don't grow up to be victims.