When people think about an "abused woman," they probably don't picture a strong, smart, intelligent, and sassy kind of person. I'd guess they'd picture a housewife wearing Mom jeans crying into her apron over her latest black eye.
Couldn't be farther from the truth. ANY woman can get caught up in a bad relationship - be it the executive down the hall or the janitor who sweeps up after you in the ladies room.
So let's break down those stereotypes and figure out why women - all KINDS of women - stay in bad relationships.
1) Fear of being alone. I know in this day and age, we women are supposed to be tough and fearless, but it's not always the case. We can behave as though we're tough and fearless, while inside, we long to be wanted by our partner.
2) The devil you know versus the devil you don't. There's something comforting in staying with your partner - bad relationship and all - because at least you know what's next.
3) Fear that this is the best there is out there. A lot of people - women who have been in bad relationships, especially - have their self-esteem eroded slowly by their partner (and life) so much that they honestly believe their current partner IS the best they'll ever get.
4) "It's not that bad." I don't know how many times I've run across those words on my non-profit site, where we get a great number of domestic abuse stories sent in to us. Women believe erroneously that because their story isn't as graphic or as horrible as someone else's, it's not really worth it to talk about their partners who really only get upset when they "do something wrong."
5) You're a perfectionist. Everything you do is the BEST out there. Therefore, your relationship must not be broken, it's just facing "challenges." The idea of failure is so tremendous that leaving never even crosses your mind.
6) He has some sort of leverage. Often men who are truly abusive threaten a woman, saying he will hurt her children, her pets, or her family if she leaves him.
7) You love him - plain and simple.
8) You believe he will change. He says he will. He's TRYING to change. You just make him SO MAD. If only you STOPPED making him SO MAD!
9) He makes you feel special beyond compare. Even if you're not quite good enough (his words), he'll manipulate you into feeling grateful that someone like him could be with someone like YOU.
10) You can't see how truly bad it is. Whether it's because you've been isolated from friends or family or you don't want to see how bad things are, you don't have any idea things have gotten this dire.
How do I know all this? I've been there, too.
What are some other reasons women stay in bad relationships?
Image via anathea/Flickr
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Comments 89
I know the feeling. I was in a very abusive relationship, and had a lot of these things. Mostly that I couldn't accept failure. I was young, only 18 when we met, and he manipulated me into moving in together eight months later. I was twenty two when I finally wised up and kicked him out, though I had to move in with my parents to feel safe enough to do it. It was him threatening to kill my baby sister that woke me up. Nothing else, not the bloody nose, the other women, the yelling, him slamming a door on my head, nothing other than realizing that he could hurt someone other than me knocked me out of the cycle of abuse.
I don't understand this. My very young 18 year old sister got out of an abusive relationship rather quickly (weeks) after the physical abuse began. I don't understand why other women don't do the same.
There is no excuse for an abusive relationship and to hear about them makes me sick, I lost a friend that I felt was like a brother until one day I had to step in between him and his wife. I not only lost one friend but the whole family it seems. After a month she went back to him and they moved accros the country.
Plain and simple.
I have been told that sometimes a woman will stay because she knows how to trigger what they call an incident, and afterward he is very sweet and loving. The times when he is sweet and loving, in their mind, make up for all the abuse. I have heard a woman say, "You just see the bad side. He is really sweet to me. Just the other day, he brought flowers home for no reason."
the4mutts - there is nothing "plain and simple" about an abusive relationship, unless you have been there and done that, please don't claim to understand the workings of one, and even then, understand that every relationship, and every person in one, is different, and the dynamics of the relationship are different for the people involved.
Why people do, or do not leave are very complicated, and sitting in your chair in front of your computer, the choices may look very easy, but trust me, they are not, and why so many people, women especially, seem to be so unsupportive of women in these types of situations is beyond me.