One of the best parts of marriage is that you become a team of two in your own fortress. If you are lucky, no one can ever understand your marriage or infiltrate its walls. You and your spouse have something unique and no one else should ever be let in on the intimacy you two share.
So why does it seem like so many are willing to talk about their marriage to friends?
When my husband and I married, I threw most "rules" out the window. We go to bed angry all the time, we don't always sit down to dinner, and we often dredge up the past when we argue. But one thing I won't do is talk to my friends about my husband.
Here's the problem: If you have an issue with your spouse -- say, for instance, he always wants to stay inside even on sunny days and his idea of spending quality time with the kids is parking them in front of ESPN -- and you tell a friend, she will always think of him as lazy and selfish. You may solve the problem, but your friend won't.
By telling a friend before you work it out with your spouse, you invite judgement and disdain and general dislike for your spouse.
Sure, if your husband is beating you or cheating, then by all means speak up and tell your friends. But I am not talking about these huge issues. I am talking more about the more subtle, insidious issues that creep up in marriage. Fighting about money or chores or keeping the house clean. These are private issues.
It's more that that, too. When you take a problem outside the marriage, you don't solve it. Sure, you vent and you chat with your friends, but you also rile each other up with no purpose. Does it solve the issue? Nope. And it makes your friend dislike your spouse. You lose in both ways.
If you have an issue in your marriage, you talk to your spouse or your therapist. If there is one friend you have who knows you both and can safely avoid sides, then maybe she or he can help you cultivate the best way to chat with your spouse, but generally speaking, what happens in a marriage really ought to stay private to that marriage.
Do you talk about your marriage with others?