50 shades of greySo Fifty Shades of Grey is mommy porn, huh? Well, every mommy I know is entirely too busy to read through so much humdrum dialogue and description. If we wanted romantic dribble, we'd turn on a Lifetime movie. After all, aren't those lurid sex scenes the only reason we picked up the book anyway?

To speed things up, I uploaded the kinky tome to my e-reader and searched for a few key words (surprisingly there wasn't a "penis" in a single passage). This little trick helped me skip the foreplay and get straight to the passion. Here’s a cheat sheet on where to find the steamiest bits.

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"breast" on page 104:

"Very nice," he whispers appreciatively, and my nipples harden even more. He blows very gently on one as his hand moves to my other breast, and his thumb slowly rolls the end of my nipple elongating it. I groan, feeling the sweet sensation all the way to my groin ...

"writhes" on page 214:

He pinches me hard, and my body writhes convulsively against his front. I gasp at the acute pleasure/pain. I feel him against me. I moan and my hands clench in his hair pulling harder ...

"pounding" on page 223:

I moan loudly. He moves, pounding into me, a fast, intense pace against my sore behind. The feeling is beyond exquisite, raw and debasing and mind-blowing ...

"rhythm" on page 329:

He slides his leg in between mine, pushing my feet father apart, widening my stance, and runs my hands over my sex, one hand at a time in turn, setting up a rhythm. It's so erotic. Truly I am a marionette and he is the master puppeteer ...

 "spread" on page 371:

I groan. Parting my legs, he cuffs first my right ankle and then my left so I am staked out, spread-eagled, and totally vulnerable to him ...

Other tantalizing terms you should definitely try: "wet," "whip," and "ravaged."

Do you think Fifty Shades of Grey lives up to the hype?

 

Image via Amazon