I'm reading Fifty Shades of Grey for the sex. I'll happily admit that -- just please, don't tell my mother. Aside from the daily dose of kinky, the writing is bleh, the storyline is meh, and I just don't believe Ana Steele goes from intern to acting editor at a publishing house in under a week. No one has that kind of luck. Still, I'm reading the sexy series for all the right reasons, indulging in the playroom fantasies of Christian Grey in all the wrong places.
Since picking up Fifty Shades, I've made some BIG blunders. For example, I've learned there is definitely a time and place to read the smut. Take a roll in the sheets with me, will ya, and check out these 3 not-so-safe places to indulge in Fifty Shades of Grey.
1. On the train. It's fine when you're sitting alone, enjoying at your own space. Not so fine when you're on a crowded train or subway and your seat-mate looks you over with anxious eyes. Maybe it was the sweating? Or the panting as you turn each lusty page? Truuuust me, I made this mistake. 'Tis far better to contort your body awkwardly to hide what's getting you so worked up than to endure prying eyes of your fellow passengers.
2. With your partner. I like to be alone with any book I'm reading -- especially this one. And I don't want anybody thinking this is how I want to be 'romanced.' So if your boyfriend/girlfriend/beloved taxi cab driver suddenly feigns interest in what you're reading, sorry but no. You can't share this with me. My book. My lusty read. My Fifty Shades of Sweating. My Christian Grey.
3. At the dinner table. Repeat after me: "No I will NOT read this book in the company of my parents, my children, my mailman, or the waiting room at my doctor's office. But ESPECIALLY NOT at my parents' house while I'm sitting at the dinner table. No. Matter. What." Maybe Mom and Dad are super pumped that your nose is stuck in the pages of a book -- any book -- but do yourself a favor and keep them in the dark. You have proudly lost your innocence somewhere in the depths of this book. They, fortunately, have not. Keep it that way.
Not only has Fifty Shades of Grey shamed me as a reader, it's given me some type of temporarily induced social anxiety that only comes from a racy read like this. For heaven's sake, I expect more of myself! I survived Judy Blume's Forever without a hiccup.
But if you'll excuse me, I'm going to duck out and, uh, look for my cat ....
Be HONEST: Has Fifty Shades of Grey turned you into a nervous reading wreck? Where do you go to read it?
Image via Amazon