Put down the wine. Forget the flowers. Cancel the dinner reservations. If you guys out there really want to get some from your wives (like more than once a month), then just follow this very simple advice: Buy them a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. In fact, splurge for the entire trilogy.
Don't ask. Don't even read it. Just buy it and give it to your wife. It doesn't matter if you're newlyweds (congrats, by the way!) or if you've been married 10, 20, or 30 years. For some crazy reason, this best-selling novel by E.L. James is turning women on more than we ever will.
Apparently there's a reason this book is referred to as "mommy porn." Moms (heck, even some grandmothers) are devouring this tale of bondage and submission, stopping only to attack their husbands when things get too intense. It's a miracle, I tell you!
I know firsthand that it works. My wife and I have a healthy sex life, but man, after she started reading Fifty Shades of Grey, she literally couldn't keep her hands off me. I'm talking porn-star intensity here. Uh, not that I know what that looks like ... Anyway, it's a double bonus, really. You get way more action, but you also don't have to spend time doing those things we guys loathe -- like talking.
What's the book about? Damned if I know. My wife tried explaining it to me and my eyes glazed over. And no way am I reading it. I saw the first Twilight movie and wanted to poke my eyes out with a fork. This one's apparently even more painful. Plus, reading about porn, sorry ... reading about "erotica" just doesn't do it for us guys. We're visual. Maybe if there was a video of some hot blonde dancing around in her underwear while reading it to us, we'd pay attention.
All I know is that the book's about some guy named Christian Grey and he wears a lot of gray ties. Oh -- and he and the main character say, "Laters, baby" a lot. I have no clue what that's about, but when I head out to work each morning, I say that to my wife and she giggles. So just run with it.
So do yourself a favor and pick up Fifty Shades of Grey for your wife. Just make sure the kids are in bed before you give it to her, though. The book, I mean.
Does this book turn you -- or your other half -- on?