Dear "Friend":
There's something we'd all like to tell you but other than right here, right now, we never will: Your husband is gay.
Take a moment if you need it.
It's true. He's gay and we all know it. In fact, we've known for years. We knew when you were dating. We knew at your wedding. We knew it after your kids were born. We talk about it when you're not around. When we're all out to dinner and you two leave, we say things like, "How can she not know?" and "Maybe she does and they have an 'arrangement.'" and "When do you think he'll leave her for a man?"
And trust us, leave you he will. Remember Bob* and Sally* from high school who got married and none of us -- including you -- could believe it? "Is she blind?!" you asked. Remember how they got divorced 10 years and 2 kids later? And how Sally was shocked beyond belief. And remember, how none of us said a word. How could we? We're not saying a word to you either.
For one thing, we'd be invading your husband's privacy. It's his decision if and when he should come out. It's not our job to do that for him. He's decided that this is the life he wants to live, at least for now.
For another, think of how angry you'd be at us for telling you we thought the guy you're madly in love with, have been married to for 12 years, and who's dad to your 3 children, 2 cats, 1 dog, and 3 goldfish has actually been living a "lie"? Would you believe us? We doubt it. Either you know he's gay but you don't want to admit it -- or you have no clue. Think about it, you'd be more likely to drop us as friends than you would be to believe something that would turn your whole world upside-down.
As you know, it's not just Bob and Sally, we all now know 4 couples -- four! -- whose marriages have ended because one of the parties finally came out. We "called" all four of those marriages, yet when the big announcement was made, we didn't say "We knew it!" -- we acted shocked and surprised along with our friend. How could we tell her we knew it all along? No, there's no way we could have told her ahead of time -- and there's no way we could let her know after. You understand.
So, friend, we just want you to know that when the day comes and your husband decides to let you know the truth, we'll act as surprised as you are and we'll support you and be there for you, because we love you.
Love,
Your Friends
*These are fake names & this "letter" is to a fake friend.
If your friends suspect that your husband is gay, would you want them to tell you?
Image via kimberlykv/Flickr
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Comments 63
For those of you saying that you shouldn't speak up because no one knows what is going on inside that marriage, you need to consider that one of person could be lying to their spouse and is it really fair to that individual to continue the lie? If you don't speak up and mention, "Oh yeah, I remember when he was dating Johnny and those two boys would make out in public just to freak people out.," how are you not participating in the lie? If the other person knows, they will laugh with you and no big deal. If the other person doesn't know, they know now.
And guess what.. if they are hiding hteir sexuality, sooner or later, they will act on it behind your back.
What makes you think you can just look at a guy and know he is gay? There are men and women who are different from one anohter and that doesn't mean they are gay. Some men are nurturing but not gay. Some women have strong personalities but doesn't mean they are lesbian either. Don't say anything unless you see husband with another man going up to a hotel room or in a clench and it is not at a funeral. Gay men often look just like football players and they are at times. Others may have some mannerisms that appear similar to a gay guy but you don't know for sure. Some guys love to cook and bake but that doesn't mean they are gay. More and more men are involved in their kids and their activities and that doesn't mean they are gay. We have house husbands and women who are better bread winners. That doesn't say anything about them. I do realize that at times we think or wonder about a man who is too femine acting or who flips his wrist certain ways but unless he comes out, we don't know. Someone who is artistic may or may not be gay, though many gays are artistic. If you tell her, she will doubt her husband or she will not be your friend any longer and her husband could be angry or embarrassed. Let it go and stop talking about him. You may be the one who is convincing the other neighbors and friends that this man is gay, whether he is or not.
I think it is one of the most selfish things on earth for a gay man or woman to marry an unsuspecting spouse, have children with them, and pretend to create a life. The devastation they leave behind is beyond comprehension to anyone who has not gone through it. They at some point decide that they need to be honest and happy, while the family left behind almost never completely heals. If I even just suspected a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance was gay, I would point it out at the friendship's peril. Betrayed spouses should be able to sue for fraud and win big.
You can never tell so for a so called friend to try and out the husband its petty and mean.
What if he is jsut slightly femanant but loves his wife and would never leave her. You would be trying to ruin his life and she would never feel safe with him you would killed a part of her and her trust in him and in you.
No one hada right to try and out another person even if they are gay its not right.
Wow *thanks* for wasting my time with this weird crap article.
Again, why do people have the right to lie to their spouses but their spouses don't have the right to know the truth?
I can understand keeping speculation to yourself but fact?
Maybe he likes being with her, and likes it when she does him with a strap on... it's not your business, so butt out. :p
My first husband was very female-like, but the man was not gay. After our divorce it was on to other women for him! Some men are just more feminine.... doesn't mean they are gay. This article is judgemental and stupid. Also, here's a thought. Maybe the man is bisexual but in a happily committed relationship with a woman. Doesn't mean he's gonna leave her anymore than any other man does 10-20 years down the road.