All this hype about the ultimate mom movie What to Expect When You're Expecting has got me thinking about sex. Because when you're pregnant or have just had a baby, there can be a bit of a dry spell in that department.
Come to think of it, there can be a dry spell at almost any time, really, especially when you have kids. You're both busy, you're stuck dividing your time between work, family, and caring for the house. It's okay, you know you'll get your sexy back. It just takes time.
But he's ready. And he's going to get it in whatever way possible. And once you know the signs, it's obvious what's on his mind. So here's a little guide on what to expect when he's expecting 'it.'
1) He's gone from being Sir Grumps-A-Lot to Sir Galahad. Suddenly, he's bringing you flowers home with That Look in his eye.
2) He's texting you. But instead of the normal "what do you want for dinner?" or "what do you need from the store?" it's "you're so sexy" and "what are YOU doing tonight?"
3) Rather than going around you while you're loading the dishwasher, he "accidentally" brushes into you. And stays there.
4) He'll ask about your feelings while actually listening to what you have to say, instead of staring at your chest and doing the "uh-huh" nod.
5) He suggests sitting down to a movie that isn't A) Full of explosions, B) Featuring a lead female role who's got a chest larger than yours or C) The Godfather Trilogy/Star Wars/Star Trek XXXVIII: The Search for a New Plotline.
6) You'll come home to a clean house, which he'll say he did either "because I appreciates all you do around here" or "because I felt like it was my turn to help out." Get your game face on, because you've got less than two hours before he makes a move.
7) He cooks you dinner. Any dinner.
8) He brought you home a present. It's not your birthday, it's not your anniversary (you think. Was that the ninth?), and he brought you a present just to show you that he cares.
9) He not only remembers your anniversary, he already has big plans made to go out to a 14-course dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town.
10) If you notice that he's starting to change diapers and make bottles, there's always a reason. That reason is sex.
11) He will start proactively getting down things from high shelves, talking about repainting rooms in the shades that you like, and other home repair to-do's that have been on his list since the Clinton Administration. Don't be fooled, they still aren't going to happen.
12) He asks about your book club/crafting hobby/weekly night out/gardening efforts/side business writing columns about sex from home. You've been doing it three years now, and this is the first time he's shown an interest. You decide if it's simply coincidence while he's asking you to take your pants off.
13) He mentions that you should relax and put your feet up while he takes care of something. Anything at all. It's because he's trying to get you to conserve your energy so that you'll be awake when he makes his move.
14) You've been out running errands together and he's being Mr. Accommodating -- dropping you off at stores while he parks, driving so you can check your email and texts, and making sure he asks what else you need at every stop. It's because he wants to make sure you don't have a headache, waiting messages, or something else on your mind once you get home.
15) He turns down an invitation to go out. For example, you'll hear something like, "So, the boys at work wanted to go grab a quick one before we went home, but I remembered you had the night off. So I decided I'd rather spend the time with you." He doesn't mean you -- he means your chest. But don't take it personally.
What other things can you expect when he's expecting 'it'?
Image via vanessa_hutd/Flickr