What you are about to read are horrifying tales of love gone wrong just in time for Valentine's Day. Welcome to Dating Horror Story Week on The Stir ...
Like most women my age, I've had my share of bad dates. There was the guy who asked me at the START of our dinner date whether I wanted to box up half my pizza so I didn't eat it all at once. There was the other guy who on our first date got drunk and slurrily serenaded me via karaoke in front of the whole bar. But my date with the guy I'm about to tell you about will forever go down in history -- at least in my friends' circle -- as the worst EVER.
Here's what happened:
*Some names have been changed to protect the identities of the main characters in this story.
I met *Sven on a trip to IKEA. He asked my opinion on a new couch for his living room, and we spent the next hour sitting on said couch swapping stories about life, love, and home furnishings. When he asked me to have brunch with him on that next Saturday, I immediately said yes. He was cute, driven, funny, and easy-going. I liked him ... very much.
As luck would have it, that next Saturday was Valentine's Day, and so I was breaking one of my cardinal life rules: Never go out on Valentine's Day (it's crowded with awkward couples, and there's too much pressure in general). Yet, I was willing to make an exception for this guy. As I said, there was just something about him that I really liked.
I arrived at the agreed upon time and brunch place with excited butterflies. Sven and I had chatted via email throughout the week, and I was really looking forward to our date. The brunch place was packed and noisy (see what I mean about Valentine's Day?) and the server sat us at the tiniest of tables smack dab in the middle of the restaurant. We were rubbing elbows with about seven other couples if you can imagine it.
We ordered, and once mugs of coffee arrived, we settled into comfortable, flirty conversation. I was having a great time. Until ...
Suddenly, Sven grabbed my hand and said that he "had to tell me something important." His long monologue started off sweet -- he's so glad he met me and he was enjoying spending time with me. But then he took a strange turn: He knew it was crazy, but he thought we were soul mates. He also knew we'd be together for the rest of our lives.
He was so intense that the couples around us started to stare. Me? Yeah, I started to sweat from every body part that had a gland. But it was his next statement that sent me -- and everyone else in the restaurant -- completely over the edge.
I feel so strongly about you and that we need to be together. Even if you had no arms and no legs and were a stump in a basket, we would be together.
I swear to god, the entire noisy restaurant fell completely silent.
Honestly, if someone I was in a long, committed relationship had a similar sentiment and told me in a more private setting -- and was able to communicate it in a way that didn't insult people with disabilities -- I would have thought it was really sweet. As it was, I had only known the guy for a couple hours. And, I couldn't get the scenes from Boxing Helena out of my head.
Obviously, I survived my brunch date with a maybe serial killer (I have our wonderful server who immediately appeared with the check and a getaway cab that miraculously appeared on the corner to thank for that). Now that I've had some time to recover and reflect, it occurs to me that it's likely Sven just had an awkward moment with me and is completely normal and happily married with a bunch of happy kids. Probably it's time to let it go, especially now that I've made him the subject of a blog post.
But I'll be DAMNED if I ever venture out on Valentine's Day again.
More Dating Horror Stories:
What was your worst date?
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