What to Do if Your Man Won't Introduce You to His Mother

8

So you've been dating your guy for close to a year and you hear his parents are in town for the weekend. You nervously ask if you should be on your best behavior when his parents are around. Your boyfriend, your sweet perfect boyfriend, says, "No."

Meaning, "I don't want you to meet them."

Um ... what?

First, before you start packing your bags and kicking yourself for dating such an asshole, take a step back. He may be doing this for reasons OTHER than "he doesn't actually love you." Every family has weird dynamics, and perhaps he's just saving you or waiting for the right moment.

I understand the hurt that goes along with this, but try and let it go. His family may have weird unspoken rules about meeting significant others. His family may be weird and embarrassing. The dynamics, you simply cannot know about -- unless you're IN his family.

The best thing to do in this situation, before packing your stuff and writing hateful messages about him on Facebook, is to talk to him about it. Let him know how you feel. Let him know that you'd WANTED to meet his family and you're hurt/bewildered/sad about being denied the opportunity.

Then listen to his response. It may be less of a "I'm ashamed of dating you" and more of a "I'm ashamed of my wacky family."

If the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years and you still haven't met Mom or Dad, it's time to take stock of your relationship and figure out where you stand. Are you okay not meeting his family? Are you afraid of what not meeting them might mean? Can you live being in the background of his family life?

If not, you know your answer. If so, you know your answer.

Any other tips for dating a guy (or girl) that won't introduce you to his mother?


Image via o5com/Flickr

commitment, dating, love

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Prett... PrettyGirlMyers

I say if a guy doesn't want to introduce you to his mother BE THANKFUL. Since the day I met my  boyfriends mom several years ago I've had to endure rambling emails full of family secrets, nonstop questions about whether we're going to have kids together (no), and an endless tirade centered around why her son doesn't call her/answer her emails (um, cause you're nuts, no offense). Don't get me wrong, I love the woman, but she is absolutely exhausting.

nonmember avatar Janet

Silly advice. There is no way you can be in a longterm relationship never meet your spouse's family unless he's not serious about his future with you. Period. Clearly marriage and children are out of the question, but even a non-married committed relationship is out of the question. It's one thing for you not to spend a lot of time with his family, it's an entirely different story for you to never meet them. This site generally gives bad advice. Do not ignore reason to believe this non-sense article.

nonmember avatar r0sal1n3

This is a response to Janet. Your advice is a "silly" advice. Every family is different.

My younger brother's girlfriend will NEVER be able to meet our "Mother" or "Father" because they disowned us and kicked us out of the house more than ten years ago. My children will never get to meet their "grandparents" from my side of the family. My younger brother and sister (who was also disowned) would never let someone they care about (their boyfriend/girlfriend) meet or even get to know our parents. It's not because they are not commited or serious about their significant others, they just don't want to make the same mistakes I did.
When I married my hubby, I tried to patch things up with my mother for the sake of "family". My hubby ended up standing in front of me, protecting me, while my mother waved a large kitchen knife around threatening to kill me. Needless to say, we didn't patch things up.

When his girlfriend asks about his family, my brother talks about us as his family. He never mentions my parents only to say that they are crazy. He brings his girlfriend to our home.

Please be a little more open minded. If the other person is serious about you and you are serious about them, at least try to understand from their point of view.

jalaz77 jalaz77

It will make the holidays easier! One side only : ) hmmmm the thought relaxes me so much. To late, married, met "it" , and she is horrible when it comes to the holidays, very passive aggressive!!

nonmember avatar kay

I think the only silly advice is the advice that assumes one size fits all. My boyfriend (now husband) introduced me to his family within weeks of dating. That's just how they are, they'r very interested and curious as to the people that the family members are seeing I guess. Or maybe he was excited to show me of, who knows? However, he didn't meet my family for maybe 3 or 4 years and that's simply because in my family we don't bring people home until we're about to get married. Not sure why, but that's just how we work. We're very reserved and I can't imagine bringing home boyfriend after boyfriend without knowing itwas going to be something. Anyway, I found out how much this was hurting my husband and I had to bite the bullet and introduce him to my family because I didn't like him feeling like I was hiding him. It was so awkward cause my family thought I was about to get married and I was only 25!!

nonmember avatar Janet

@r0salin: How is a man who has contact with his mother in any way related to you and your brother who don't have contact with your mother? Sorry but your response was worse than the dumb article. She referenced a scenario in which a guy's parents were in town and he wouldn't let the girl meet them. Your situation is totally different, therefore it is irrelevent to this convo. Apples and oranges. Try using common sense a little bit. No man who has contact with his family and refuses to let a woman meet them is thinking long term with that woman. Sorry to burst your bubble but take the silly shades off and try looking at things through adult eyes.

jessi... jessicasmom1

LOL .. BF just met father today ,, his Mom has passed on ... :-(

nonmember avatar Avanti

Adult eyes - No one ever can judge another person's family dynamics. Sitting in the same boat at 55, my SO has yet to introduce me to his mother, sister, and others. I have met his daughter and trust me when I say, you should never judge another persons family dynamics. Keep researching and you will find there are several reasons for this. Before my father passed away, I would never let anyone met my family because it meant meeting my alcoholic Archie Bunker Dad. I was both ashamed and scared of what meeting my family would do to my relationships. Does he show you he loves you, not just say it, show it? Then just communicate with him. I am guilty of the same, not communicating and going straight into researching the topic first. Another option is to host a dinner party and ask him to invite his parents if they live close. I am spending my Thanksgiving alone because I was not invited by my SO. Yes, it is sad, but in the long range of family dynamics, this is a day to be thankful, not taking out family laundry in front of guest, not to be ashamed of family behavior, so I am good with it. Next year, I would like to plan a nice get away for us, no family, just us to Europe. Why should anyone be alone each year for the holiday, make plans that include him. Case in point, because of family dynamics, I rather be alone than spend them with my family.

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