Ladies Need to Admit They Want to Be Married

on January 17, 2012 at 2:28 PM

There is a common piece of advice given to those who are going for something they want: If you can't name it, you can't get it. It makes a lot of sense. It isn't that we have to meet every goal we set for ourselves, but if we're too ashamed or afraid of "jinxing" something to say it out loud, then how can we ever expect to actually be able to get the courage to go for it? That is how love works, too.

I have noticed a pattern in my own life and certainly in the world of pop culture and news. Single women seem determined to love their single status, so determined that they often undermine their chances of getting married even though, secretly, that is what they want.

It only stands to reason. If you tell everyone you're happy single, insist you don't want a man, and tell everyone who will listen that you love your life as it is, how can you ever expect a man to think you want to get married? That is the vibe you send. And while acting desperate isn't attractive, why is it so hard for so many women to be honest about their dreams in love?

The Daily Mail addressed this in a recent article about single women who "secretly" wanted to be married. Essentially they said it looks bad to want to be married because it suggests a woman can't hack it on her own or that it will hurt her chances of advancing in her career if she is viewed as being on the "mommy track."

But so what? Don't we all kind of want it all? The great career, the great husband, the adorable kids, and the penthouse apartment? Why is it so hard for women to be honest?

We are fed a lot of stuff about enjoying our single time and our independence and, to be sure, being single has its perks. Marriage is no constant picnic and it won't solve every problem you've ever had. There is no doubt I would rather be single forever than spend too much time in a miserable marriage. But why can't women say, "I want to have a happy marriage"? Are they afraid if they say it, they will seem desperate or people will feel badly for them if it never happens?

Wanting to have a happy, contented marriage isn't old-fashioned or quaint or silly or weak. It's nice. And women need to own it more.

The Daily Mail talked about women who cohabitate and even have children without getting married and said some of them would actually prefer to be married. It makes sense. Marriage isn't just a "slip of paper." It's a public declaration of your love, a promise to one another (and to the state) that you are in it for the long haul and you want it recognized.

It's OK to desire it and more women need to be able to say it. You can enjoy being single and want to be married someday at the same time. Both can co-exist and there is no shame in admitting the truth.

Why do you think some women can't admit they want marriage?

Image via Kumon/Flickr

About the author Sasha Brown-Worsham

can't decide whether she is a mother, writer, or runner, but is usually all three at some point each day. She has written for dozens of print magazines, newspapers, and websites. She rarely ever writes on bathroom walls.

Filed Under: marriage

Comments (12)

Nonmember comment from EllieH

on Jan 17, 2012 at 2:37 PM

Disagree.. While some women who want to be married may hide this fact in an attempt to not look desperate or to look like they have it all as a single person, there is also a subset of women who are single and truly enjoy what that means. Just because you are not married does not mean you do not have love in your life, in fact... you may have more :) People change, and have changes in heart, quite frequently. Being unmarried can take the pressure off of a relationship by removing the "forever" clause, leaving the only remaining bond actual love.

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Nonmember comment from Anne

on Jan 17, 2012 at 3:28 PM

I agree and disagree. I'm an unmarried woman in that 25+ age group where people start to talk about every man I date as though he's going to one day meet me at the altar. I'm so hesitant about divorce and a "familiarity-breeds-contempt" relationship down the road, that it makes me anxious about saying that I want marriage. I'd like to have a perfect marriage and healthy, brilliant kids someday, but I'm very hesitant about saying that it's my ultimate goal because it can go oh-so-badly in the long run.

Nonmember comment from JT

on Jan 17, 2012 at 4:06 PM

Naturally, every woman has a deep desire to give up their freedom and independence. Being pregnant and in the kitchen all day is what us happily single ladies really want. Forget the fact that some of us genuinely are happy in our non-married relationships. According to this "writer", it's a false happiness. False like my height with heels. False like my mascara. False like anything that's not promoting submission to a man. There is a theme in this author's articles: If you're self-esteem isn't directly tied to a man, you aren't a happy woman. Pathetic.

ashjo85

on Jan 17, 2012 at 5:27 PM

JT, I didn't get that at all. She asked why are woman who want it afraid to admit it? And it's true. There's a lot of pressure to be happy as a single gal, even if that's not what you want in the long run. Some woman ARE perfectly happy single, good for them. She's talking about that other large group of woman who WANT a relationship, WANT a marriage, and hide the fact that they're on match.com from family and friends. And I agree with her, there's a stigma. It's like, you aren't a 21st century woman if that sort of thought even passes your lips. And thanks for equating being married with being pregnant and trapped in the kitchen all day. Way to have your head stuck in the 1940s.

on Jan 17, 2012 at 5:53 PM

I was speaking generally about the kinds of articles she posts. I get that she's married with kids, so much of her views will come from that perspective. However, she regularly posts pieces that basically revolve around an idea that a woman isn't truly happy unless her world revolves around a man. From bashing make-up and heels (simply because her man is too insecure to handle anyone else finding her attractive), to telling women to place their husbands above their children and themselves, to several articles subtly bashing career women. I just don't dig her mentality.

Ohmyskittles

on Jan 17, 2012 at 6:28 PM

This article slightly offends me. Different things make different people happy. Some women want to be married, but no kids. Some want kids (by adopting or something) but don't want to marry. Some want just to be housewives. Some want to have "it all" but SOME just want a career. No man, no kids. That's what I want. If a guy comes along that I want to marry, then that's fine. But being married isn't a "want" for me, it's just a thing that could or couldn't happen. I do not want kids though. I want a life and don't feel the need to take my adult life and use it on kids. So if you want to be a bored housewife with no education, be my guest. Just DO NOT accuse me of wanting the same thing, because I don't.

on Jan 17, 2012 at 6:31 PM

And I agree with JT, this author's articles have been going down a similar path. A path that's a set back for educated women. Clearly this author was taught that women are good submissive wives and baby making factories. I wish your parents showed you there was more to life.

ArmyGal

on Jan 17, 2012 at 7:24 PM

Never want to get married. I'm 27 years old and still have no desire.

Guest27

on Jan 18, 2012 at 12:14 AM

This article is irritating. There are plenty of people who don't care to be married and they are not faking it. It's irritating for people to assume that nearly all women have this desire to be married and have kids. Not all women want to be a homemaker. Unfortunately, its difficult for women to come out and say they don't want marriage/kids because other women make it seem like these people are less "womanly". Like Ohmyskittles said- for some people it's not a "want", if it happens, it happens. In regards to "undermining" your chances of getting married because you act like you don't want to get married... I think women who act desperate, and need to find the "one", and rush into marriage are the ones truly undermining their chances of getting in to a "successful" marriage.

keriley1

on Jan 18, 2012 at 12:31 AM

Some people truely don't want it. why would you want to be forced to share half your stuff with someone or not be able to do what you wanted on a whim without telling the other person or have to get input from them n decor or something. Now I want to get married, and am so happy to be getting married in october, but I on't expect every single lady in the world to want it.