Bad Sexual Chemistry Is a Relationship Dealbreaker


Many women (and some men, too) fall in love and think they can "fix" the person they're with. He may have bad hair, she may smoke, he could snore at night or wear the wrong clothing. Most of these problems can be dealt with, but there some that cannot and sexual chemistry is the biggest.

A recent letter to The Daily Mail relationship expert asks this very question: Can a relationship survive when you have everything in place but the good sex? The answer, sadly, is a resounding no. If the sex is bad, the relationship must end.

Oh I know. I can hear the groaning from here. But the answer holds firm. Try as you might to believe otherwise, sexual chemistry is an absolute deal-breaker in a relationship. It may seem shallow, but it really isn't.

The fact is, in any relationship with the opposite sex that is more than platonic, it's the sex itself that distinguishes it. Sex is the mortar that holds the bricks together. It can keep you stable when all else is failing and it's what the two of you share that makes it intimate and just between you.

This is obviously not the only thing that makes a relationship stick. Humor also matters as do similar values. There also has to be mutual respect and the sense that you both get one another as well. But there is no denying the fact that any of these latter qualities can be shared with a good friend whether of the same gender or the opposite. What sets a romantic relationship apart is the sex.

Good sex doesn't always have to mean the same thing. Everyone's idea of good sex is different. The whole point is that you have sexual chemistry and compatibility. The woman who wants sex every day isn't going to go well with the man who wants it once a month. The man who likes to experiment with costumes and role play isn't going to like the woman who is only comfortable with missionary style sex in the bedroom.

This isn't to say that couples can't go outside their comfort zone, but the general compatibility ought to be there. The relationships I have seen most often end because of sexual reasons. We can convince ourselves otherwise and for good reason. Loving someone does force a person to try to make it work. But circles can't be squares, people. Let's try to keep some perspective and understand that chemistry comes from within.

Back in my dating days, there were more than a couple men who were perfect on paper and with whom I now have good friendships with whom there was zero sexual chemistry. With the man who became my husband, it was explosive from day one. Dating someone with whom the sex is only bad to mediocre is asking for a heartbreak. Beware, ladies (and gents), it's the truth.

Do you think sexual compatibility is crucial?


Image via Horia Varlan/Flickr

dating, sex


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nonmember avatar Em

this is silly.

elfis... elfishpirat

Sex is one of the least important things in a relationship. I'm calling bogus on this article.

nonmember avatar Jen

Incompatible sex drives almost levelled my relationship. I ended up seeking sex outside the relationship (which I still hate myself for, and which he still doesn't know about). I just loved him too much to sever it so to me, at the time, it seemed like a reasonable compromise. The problem is that the chemical rush of novelty masks your true drives, and whether they are/will be compatible later on down the line when you're sharing the same bed and living under the same roof.

My story, though, has a happy ending. I accepted within myself how much of a dealbreaker this was, and finally communicated that to him in no uncertain terms. He learned to compromise with me and bring the frequency up. So it's now at a level I can live with for the rest of my life.

nonmember avatar Bettyboo

Absolutely cruicial, without it you're just good friends. I'll date someone for a short while to see if it builds but if it's lacking then it's such an important element to me that the relationship ends soon after.. Equally, the chemistry I have with my current significant other has enabled us to weather huge, otherwise relationship dealbreaker type storms in our relationship and work through them to a (hopefully, we're still ironing out a few issues) happy conclusion :0)

nonmember avatar W

I have to agree with Bettyboo that it is very crucial. But I guess it depends on the couple. But I had a guy who was essentially just my best friend. He was right for me in enough ways, but there was not much sex. And it wasn't just the sex, but romance really died out with it.

nonmember avatar elizabeth

Um... whoever wrote this needs to do themselves a favor and stop giving relationship advice, if sex is what holds anyones relationship together, they are a lot of trouble, because in any relationship the attraction comes and goes, love needs to be the main thing that holds a couple together, sex with the same person is bound not to be that exiting after a while, so i guess according to this woman if anyone is not happy with their sex life they should just move on whoever does that is bound for to spend their life in loneliness, not to mention most men are challenged in the bedroom lol, you just have to compromise now days people have so many inhibitions is ridiculous.

nonmember avatar Lina

Asexuality, though...

nonmember avatar Kris

This article is ridiculous. I'm somewhat deformed "down there" and sex with my husband is a very difficult process so we rarely do it. Yet we have a very happy, loving marriage. He understands the issue and accepts me anyway. That's what love is. I feel sorry for anyone who believes that sex is the be-all and end-all of a relationship, because it definitely is not.

nonmember avatar Andy

I'm 2 years into a relationship with a lovely woman who simply does not stir my loins. I've been in relationships with amazingly intense sex, the memories of which still excite me. She says she's interested in trying all sorts of things but I can't feel anything for her sexually despite her interest in experimentation. I don't know what to say to her. We hardly have sex. If the chemistry's not there, I'm really not sure it can be invented. I feel like she's a very, very, very, very good friend who sleeps in my bed. This is NOT a silly or bogus article. It recognises the genuine difficulties many couples face in the bedroom.

nonmember avatar lulu

Having phases where the sex is not so passionate or exciting is one thing....but what if your partner is just not sexually attracted to you....this can be very challenging to deal with no matter how much you love each other. It does start to feel like a close friendship....

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