Couples Who Fight Have Better Marriages Than Those Who Don't


Couples who say they never fight with their spouse and think that is a good thing might want to think again. Fighting with a spouse, especially constructive fighting, is actually a very good thing for a marriage.

Author, counselor and Episcopal Minister David Code says that couples needs to fight in his new book, To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First. In his 14-years of his marriage, Code says he has learned a few things about the myth of a conflict-free marriage. Yes, you read that right. It is a myth. And couples who think they are going to have one are in for it

Code says:

Most couples believe that if they don’t fight much, then they don’t have relationship problems. But when partners don't address issues directly, they end up avoiding the problems -- and each other. We turn to our electronic screens, work long hours, shuttle our kids, co-sleep with our kids, or we make up excellent reasons why we never have sex anymore.

The fact is, fighting is a form of passion. It shows that you still find the other person interesting enough to spar with. It also shows a healthy respect for self. Each person is holding their own ground. Even more, healthy fighting (meaning no name calling or hitting or idle threats) is a form of communication. 

The couples who say they never fight are often the same ones who are blind sided when their spouse is cheating or when he or she says he is not happy. Fighting is hard and frustrating, but it is part of marriage. Marriage is not supposed to be easy and if it is, then you are likely doing something wrong.

Now, there is a big difference between good fighting and bad fighting. Good fighting is resolved quickly and with compromise. It is both sides getting to air their grievances and respectful language used at all times. It can be heated or emotional, but never involves hitting or threats. Bad fighting has no resolution, leaves both sides feeling wounded and very often involves yelling, throwing things and storming out.

Bad fighting is bad for a marriage, but good fighting is the opposite. The couples who fight well have happier marriages than those who say they "never fight." Don't believe me? Look at the couples you know who have divorced. Are they the ones you expected? Or are they the ones who seemed so happy and even-keeled? Are they the ones you never saw fight?

In my case, they all are. So there you go.

Do you fight with your spouse?



Image via � Life is a wonder �/Flickr



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miche... micheledo

We don't fight. 

But by that, I mean we don't get nasty with each other, say things we shouldn't, yell, scream, get angry, etc.  I love that about our marriage/friendship.  We have disagreements and have always managed to work them out or realize it isn't that important of an issue.  We work things out, talk through problems, handle difficulties, etc.  But we don't fight.

I suppose MAYBE you could say we practice good fighting, but I would call it working through disagreements or conflict.  I don't think anyone who saw us 'working through' something would even call it fighting.

Kritika Kritika

Seriously Sasha first cheaters deserve a second chance, then you wouldn't want to know if you were being cheated on and now fighting makes a marriage better?

Get a marriage counselor and stop with this nonsense I'm sure your husband will thank you!!!

emmas... emmasmama2007

I wouldn't call it good fighting, we call them discussions, because that's what we do. When something happens tha bothers either of us, we go for a drive, pArk somewhere and tAlk about it. We communicate well.

Melis... Melissa042807

We fight. But we're really working on our fighting being constructive instead of destructive. We can have disagreements and even get mad without losing our tempers. Are we perfect at it all the time? No. But we're both passionate people and that can get misdirected when we're upset at each other. So we have to be tuned in to that. 

cocob... cocobeannns

We have disagreements. We bring up the issues from our point of views, talk it out and are over it in five minutes. Petty things are nothing to ruin a relationship/marriage over. An affair on the other hand...

LikeA... LikeAVirgin

My fiance and I fight sometimes, though I will be the first to admit that they are usually over petty grievances. We do have 2 rules though, never go to sleep angry and never fight in front of our 8 month old twins. These two rules usually help us to wrap up our fights pretty quickly lol.

CPN322 CPN322

^^Great rules!!! I live by the don't go to bed angry one.

vanes... vanessa5470

Hell no. When we "fight" we talk, have our moment of anger and talk about it.

Growing up, my fighting parents faught their damn asses into a court room where I had to testify against one of them. Is that passionate enough for you?

DISCUSSIONS on the other are essential for marriages. I'd rather not talk about sensitive things iinfront of a 2 yr old and 3 month old.

momto... momto3angels

My husband and I fight. Quite a bit actually. I wouldn't change it for the world. He's not a very demonstrative person otherwise, and will just let things build up and build up, so fighting helps him release it. (That, and COD MW3) We fight. It's how we are. We have been together almost 10 years now, and I look forward to the rest of our lives together.

Ashira Malka

Wow, Kritika. Your name suits you. Sounds like 'critical,' or 'critique-uh.'

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