11 Things You Should Never Say to a Childless Couple

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quiet please signBack when I was trying to conceive, my husband and I felt a lot of pressure to start a family from some relatives and friends. Often very well meaning family and friends, wondering when we were going to have a baby. Any person who has been trying to get pregnant knows what I'm talking about here -- it can be a difficult time. But it's not just those who want to have a baby who feel this way -- many childless couples get bombarded with the whys, the whens, and the how comes. It can be more annoying than a hemorrhoid. I mean, why can't two people enjoy being married without having kids in the mix?

Here is my list of things no childless couple ever wants to hear -- so try to never say them.

1. When are you going to have kids?

Expect this question to start the minute you get married and it comes from your parents, your hairdresser, the guy at the deli, and your cousin who has three hundred children. It's really no one's business, right? The question should be answered as if you were asked, "When are you going to have unprotected sex and let him you-know-what inside you?" Maybe that will get people to stop asking.

2. Are you having trouble conceiving?

Is your man shooting blanks? Did your eggs get used up last Easter? Would you EVER say that to someone? If not, then don't ask if someone is having trouble conceiving.

3. You have pets, right? It's kind of the same.

Demeaning.

4. It's easier to be selfish when you don't have kids.

Wow. Pulling the selfish card. Hurts every time.

5. Oh, you wouldn't understand. It's more of a parent thing.

The parent club. People who say this make it all the more exciting to be a part of their clan someday.

6. If you can't have them naturally, you know you can always adopt.

Stating the obvious = not necessary.

7. Is it that you are just worried about what pregnancy would do to your body?

You know who says this kind of thing? Jealous people. People who are jealous of what you look like. If you hear these words though, it makes you feel like the person saying them to you thinks you are too shallow to have kids.

8. See what you have to look forward to? *When a parent is trying to calm a crying baby.*

This kind of comment makes you want to say, Actually, yes, I am looking forward to that. I want to be a mom.

9. Your life will never be the same. NEVER.

The person who says this to you is clearly miserable and may even long for their own childless days too much.

10. Are you worried you would be a bad parent because of your own childhood/issues?

Low blow! Low blow!

11. You wouldn't want to bring a child into this world anyway.

Sigh.

Have you ever heard these comments? Which ones annoy/upset you the most?

 

Image via ell brown/Flickr

marriage, motherhood, trying to conceive

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linzemae linzemae

I hate that just because I'm married people harass me all the time about having kids. It isn't on our agenda yet. My husband and I always said we didn't want kids. Now a few years after we are married we are considering it but it won't be any time soon. I think its rude when people ask, what if we were having trouble getting pregnant but not telling people. It's our business! Worst part is I had to have a talk with my mom that she had to stop bringing up kids to me, to people on Facebook. It's rude. I feel like she is jealous because she isn't in the grandparents club yet. Well she doesn't have to raise the kids!

nonmember avatar AI

I've only been married a year and a half, and the matriarchs of his family (my MIL and her sisters) ask me when I'm going to have kids every single time we visit. And it hasn't really cooled despite my SIL having kid this past May. If they see me with a kid, they mention how "great" I look holding a baby, or they just plain ask. I don't plan on kids for a couple more years, and it will take longer than that to sort out my health issues. There's the question of stopping my meds, figuring out what I can take during pregnancy (if anything), and then figuring out if I will be stable enough to stay off any meds passed through breast milk for the year or so I plan on breastfeeding. I hate when people (mostly women) ask me when/if I'm having kids, keep your nose out of my reproductive system and mind your own.

phoen... phoenixmom2011

I hated being told well when it is time it will happen god has his reasons for not letting you have a baby. I lost two and had a chemical pregnancy.

hutch... hutchfam2007

I was married @22 and my mom started in right away! we went to a baby shower together and she wouldnt even play any of the games because she said its not fair, its my turn to be having the baby.


Whats worse is after you have the first, they already start in about the next one!!! My answer has been from day one a LONG time!!!

Stacey. Stacey.

Or maybe you can try not to take everything so personally and being so sensitive.


It's impossible for everyone to know everyone's personal story and not offend anyone ever, so as long as someone's intentions are good just move on. And if there intentions aren't good, again just move on.

CPN322 CPN322

Thank goodness my mother and my mans mothers do NOT want to be grandparents any time soon.

nonmember avatar AI

@Stacey, it IS personal when some PERSONALLY asks a woman about her reproductive decisions. Why are they even asking about my PERSONAL business anyway?

DebaLa DebaLa




If that kind of thing puts you off balance that easily, then maybe parenthood shouldn't be in YOUR conversation either. I'm with @Stacey... Move On. 




Littl... LittleManMama

Well Stacey. And DebaLa, I really think we should try to be sensitive and kind to others. As someone who suffered multiple miscarriages over 7 years before having my son, it WAS painful when people asked these questions even when I realized that they meant no harm. I really didn't feel i should have to go into details and it killed me to smile and say, oh I don't know, someday, when inside I felt ripped apart that I might never be a mom. Really, it's very insensitive to make comments like these to childless couples. There are only a few reasons people havent had kids--infertility, or because they decided not to, which is probably due to extremely personal reasons. Not really a casual conversation. I once had a coworker turn to me when a friend dropped by work with her baby, Doesnt that make you want one? As if THAT was the problem. It hurt. Now that I am a mom I really don't follow your logic that I can't handle parenthood since those types of comments hurt my feelings.

DebaLa DebaLa

I'm sorry you and others have suffered miscarriages or infertility. In my uneloquent way, I am merely reminding people to toughen up — for their own sake. The reality is: world won't change — it is up to you to adapt. That's the message your children should know too. People are a lot happier brushing off slights and focusing on the real challenges that will surely come with time. Again, sorry for your sorrows and discomfort.

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