If You Have to Schedule Sex, You Have Already Lost


Scheduling sex is the thing everyone tells you to do after you have kids, careers, and busy lives as a married couple. But no one really ever says how incredibly, disgustingly, and horrifyingly unsexy that is. If it works for you, then awesome, but for me, the idea of scheduling sex would make it as appealing as a dentist appointment.

The Huffington Post addressed this issue this week. They quote Dr. Eli Coleman, a professor and director of the Program in Human Sexuality at the University of Minnesota Medical School, who agrees that while scheduling and prioritizing sex can keep the excitement alive, feeling pressured to perform despite one's mood is a massive buzz kill.

I am with him. There is simply nothing erotic about punching "sex" into your day planner. Call me crazy, but it's true.

The fact is, if you have to pencil sex into your calendar, then the spontaneity and spur of the moment-ness that makes sex so delicious disappears. For me, that is a deal-breaker.

I am the kind of woman who can't even eat dinner unless I was expressly in the mood for that dish, so there is no way I could have sex unless I was seriously feeling it, too. Penciling it in to my day book just would never work. Sure, we could get there. We could kiss and touch and maybe get in the "mood," but it just kills what I love about sex, so for me, it would never work.

That said, any couple has to make sex a priority. We may not pencil it in, but we do start to get worried if we aren't getting busy at least two or three times a week on our own. If it falls too low, one or both of us usually brings it up and we have to get back on it.

But in our hectic lives, scheduling sex wouldn't always be practical, either. We never really know when we will be free. I work a lot of nights, he works days, and we both take care of the kids in our down time, and they are anything but predictable.

If we tried to schedule sex, one of us would be constantly disappointed or, worse, falling asleep by the time it happened. By not scheduling it, we keep some spontaneity and surprise and we also get plenty in when we do get it.

I will never be a sex scheduler. No matter how crazy things get.

Do you schedule sex?


Image via RJ Bailey/Flickr



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scary... scaryfairy81

When we were TTC and on Clomid, while also working different shifts, we had no choice but to schedule sex, and fit it in whenever we could when the Dr. would give me the green light. It's a big deal at first but after many unsuccessful months, doing it on command sucked most of the fun out of sex. But if you are in a situation like that, you have to either have sex when you are told, or you defeat the purpose of the fertility treatments! Scheduling sex isn't anyone's first choice, but sometimes it's a must.

jalaz77 jalaz77

We did family planning so it was sort of scheduled...sort of. Now that I am back on the pill it doesn't matter.

DebaLa DebaLa

Just do it. No schedule, but no big romantic campaign or mood-ometer reading either. You inevitably get into it, and keeps the connection.

cocob... cocobeannns

We have had to here lately for many reasons. We both are and have been on mandatory overtime with our jobs, I'm in nursing school, and we are trying to concieve on top of all of that. So, yeah... Scheduling it in has been the norm for a while. It's still fun and enjoyable, just not spontanious.

sodapple sodapple

I find scheduling extremely unsexy. I'm not a machine to turn on when the day comes by.

nonmember avatar Mandy

We don't schedule sex per se but we schedule sexual activity. Meaning that once a night we need to have a sexual type of encounter or activity. For me it isn't about sex. Sex is great but it is about finding time to stop and connect. Sex or sexual adventures/activities are a great way to focus on each other. Even if sex doesn't happen we end up talking and sharing and having fun. It really helps us focus on each other and not on distractions like books or tv

nonmember avatar Mina

You worry if don't have sex "at least 2-3x a week"??? I have never had that frequency.... We used to have 1x weekly... Now down to 1-2x weekly... He's not into it and it's no fun having sex with someone less then enthusiastic.

Autoc... Autoclave239

Schedule or not...if I'm not in the mood it ain't happening.  Honestly, I wish I could have more sex, but with my demanding five month old, I just feel like I have nothing left to give by the end of the day.

mommy... mommyme2440

We have to plan times, but if somthing comes up, we just don't do it. early shift the next day, bad cold, kids having night terrors, they all mess with it. Sometimes we have a less than awesome quicky, just so we have done it. Some less than awesome sex is better than no sex around here.

Samal... Samallama

Eh...we sort of schedule it sometimes. Like we know what days work best for us. Like last week we were having breakfast and I told him that my normal 'girls night' was not happening for whatever reason and hes like "oh, so sex tonight." lol. 

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