Ashton, Arnold, Woods, Edwards, Gingrich -- the laundry list of cheaters out there continues to get longer and stronger. It's becoming more expected than not that famous men cheat, and almost every time a new scandal breaks, someone in the media has to wonder if the wife will "stand by her man" a la Hillary Clinton (the standard point-to example of a woman who did this). More often than not, women who don't run to divorce court are made to look like fools. Still, I can't help but think it's not a black and white issue.
Katherine Heigl told Cosmo UK recently that she used to think if her hubby Josh Kelley cheated on her, it would be a major deal-breaker. But now, she's not so sure. She said she's seen friends go through and find a way to forgive one another, even though it would be "really hard to ever fully trust that person again." I say she's onto something.
Now, it's not like serial cheating should be ignored or go unpunished. If in some alternate universe, I was Betty Draper and had to deal with a hubby who had a new fling every week, I would be OVER that and serving divorce papers faster than you can say, "Sterling Cooper Draper Price." But in cases where it's a one-time indiscretion ... I'm just not sure it's fair to say you'd definitely walk away immediately.
As Heigl told Cosmo:
If a mistake were to be made and it was a one-time thing, I would forgive [my husband]. Because look at the life we've built together. We have history, we have a child.
Seems level-headed to me. I feel like once you're married or even in a long-term, serious relationship, it's ridiculous to adhere to a philosophy that "never in a million years" would you stand for a one-time slip-up or to think "once a cheater, always a cheater." It shouldn't necessarily be like that; you've got to be more flexible -- especially if there are kids involved. I would think if that were the case, you'd feel your relationship was worth the work it would take to overcome the betrayal.
Looking at the bigger picture and thinking of marriages I know that have now lasted anywhere from 5 to 35+ years, infidelity is only one trust-busting mistake spouses can make. Think of numerous other betrayals that could end up feeling as bad or worse -- lying or hiding things especially related to finances, etc. In the end, sure, cheating could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and wrecks a happy, healthy marriage. But it doesn't have to be.
Is cheating a deal-breaker for you?
Image via Dragunsk Usf/Flickr
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Comments 79
@J.. I, too, am sorry that this hits so close to home for you but I have to ask, why are letting him have all the power here? He cheated and you leaving the decision up to him whether to work it out or not. Correct me if I have misinterpreted something here but it seemed that you asked him to get counselling - good start - but also for him to figure out what he needs and that you hope it was for you guys to work things out. If anyone should have the upper hand here, it should be you. You are the one who was betrayed so the decision to stay or go should, in turn, be yours. From what you've written, it seems he's getting off way too easy.
One time IS a dealbreaker for me. One time IS reason enough for divorce.
If the man who chose to be with me for life decides that I am not enough for him, then he needs to end things with me first before waltzing into bed with someone else.
Because to me, cheating would not 'just' be about sex--it would be a complete violation of trust, intimacy, vows, family, honesty, and every good quality I once believed he possessed. Everything about him would be thrown into question. Trust is crucial to me. I refuse to be in a relationship without it.
I stayed for six years after I found out that my husband had an affair. Well, I found out last year that he was dating online and that was the end. Turns out he has spent hundreds of thousands of our dollars on adultery, pornography, hobbies, get rich quick schemes, gifts for the other lady..... I say dump him/her the first time around just for the loyalty problem alone....