Ashton, Arnold, Woods, Edwards, Gingrich -- the laundry list of cheaters out there continues to get longer and stronger. It's becoming more expected than not that famous men cheat, and almost every time a new scandal breaks, someone in the media has to wonder if the wife will "stand by her man" a la Hillary Clinton (the standard point-to example of a woman who did this). More often than not, women who don't run to divorce court are made to look like fools. Still, I can't help but think it's not a black and white issue.
Katherine Heigl told Cosmo UK recently that she used to think if her hubby Josh Kelley cheated on her, it would be a major deal-breaker. But now, she's not so sure. She said she's seen friends go through and find a way to forgive one another, even though it would be "really hard to ever fully trust that person again." I say she's onto something.
Now, it's not like serial cheating should be ignored or go unpunished. If in some alternate universe, I was Betty Draper and had to deal with a hubby who had a new fling every week, I would be OVER that and serving divorce papers faster than you can say, "Sterling Cooper Draper Price." But in cases where it's a one-time indiscretion ... I'm just not sure it's fair to say you'd definitely walk away immediately.
As Heigl told Cosmo:
If a mistake were to be made and it was a one-time thing, I would forgive [my husband]. Because look at the life we've built together. We have history, we have a child.
Seems level-headed to me. I feel like once you're married or even in a long-term, serious relationship, it's ridiculous to adhere to a philosophy that "never in a million years" would you stand for a one-time slip-up or to think "once a cheater, always a cheater." It shouldn't necessarily be like that; you've got to be more flexible -- especially if there are kids involved. I would think if that were the case, you'd feel your relationship was worth the work it would take to overcome the betrayal.
Looking at the bigger picture and thinking of marriages I know that have now lasted anywhere from 5 to 35+ years, infidelity is only one trust-busting mistake spouses can make. Think of numerous other betrayals that could end up feeling as bad or worse -- lying or hiding things especially related to finances, etc. In the end, sure, cheating could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and wrecks a happy, healthy marriage. But it doesn't have to be.
Is cheating a deal-breaker for you?
Image via Dragunsk Usf/Flickr
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Comments 79
I agree with you 100%!
So many woman are quick to judge their spouses and never realise that they could be the cause of the cheating. Same applies to men who critisize, nag, show no love/respect towards their wives, etc. Relationships are complicated, and in the end I feel we all want the same thing, to feel loved, desired and wanted. Its very hard to have those feelings towards someone who is a constant nag or is shut down by the other person. The other alternative is to find those feelings/devotion elsewhere. Often times to find someone in a similar situation who can relate and understand the pain of a bad marriage.
I know what you all will say, if its such a miserable marriage, then leave. If only it were that easy! People stay in empty marriages for children, businesses, financial reasons- so many! Just leaving is not that simple.
@OtherMonkey,
I agree with you 100%!
So many woman are quick to judge their spouses and never realise that they could be the cause of the cheating. Same applies to men who critisize, nag, show no love/respect towards their wives, etc. Relationships are complicated, and in the end I feel we all want the same thing, to feel loved, desired and wanted. Its very hard to have those feelings towards someone who is a constant nag or is shut down by the other person. The other alternative is to find those feelings/devotion elsewhere. Often times to find someone in a similar situation who can relate and understand the pain of a bad marriage.
I know what you all will say, if its such a miserable marriage, then leave. If only it were that easy! People stay in empty marriages for children, businesses, financial reasons- so many! Just leaving is not that simple.
Personally for me it all goes into how I found out and how long you waited to tell me-lol. I have a 72 hour rule... that is your window to tell me... 3 days after it happeneds, if i dont know by that point, pray to God that I never find out. If your honest and come to me and lay it all outthere I am 99% sure I can get over it but you need to tell me. I can't hear this from anybody else. I also have 3 rules like protection must of been used, cut ties afterwards, and you can't sleep with me until I know about your fling... easy enough. I have never been cheated on but I have put alot of thought into though. And cheating as long as you are straight up honest with me and seem remorseful is just one of those things thatI know I can get over.
I agree with everyone who says it is a deal breaker. I know I would leave because an ex (this is how he became an ex) did it and we parted. If he wants to be with someone else, he should at least have some respect (left-over from more honest times) and turn me loose. While it may break my heart to be cast aside, it hurts worse to find out that our history meant nothing to him and he presumed that everything he does is fine.
Unfortunately, there still is a double-standard, his pride would come into play. If cheating is human nature then so is pride (and testosterone).
Why would someone believe it is not? Thankfully, I respect myself and other women too much to tolerate abuse, which I feel cheating is a form of. Since I am his equal, does this mean I am entitled to do the same? Where and when does it end?
He took the same oath to be faithful that I did and since I honor the oath, I expect him to honor it as well. It is not difficult to remain faithful to someone you respect and love. If it is, your relationship should be evaluated and ended if need be.
Janice Joplin said: "Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got."
Semper fi.
Janis Joplin, my sincere apologies
the hell they dont... . once the trust is gone the relationship is over for all intents and purposes. Once a spouse has gone outside the relationship and shared that one special thing that is to be shared only between the two , the trust and love has been ruined.