Ashton, Arnold, Woods, Edwards, Gingrich -- the laundry list of cheaters out there continues to get longer and stronger. It's becoming more expected than not that famous men cheat, and almost every time a new scandal breaks, someone in the media has to wonder if the wife will "stand by her man" a la Hillary Clinton (the standard point-to example of a woman who did this). More often than not, women who don't run to divorce court are made to look like fools. Still, I can't help but think it's not a black and white issue.
Katherine Heigl told Cosmo UK recently that she used to think if her hubby Josh Kelley cheated on her, it would be a major deal-breaker. But now, she's not so sure. She said she's seen friends go through and find a way to forgive one another, even though it would be "really hard to ever fully trust that person again." I say she's onto something.
Now, it's not like serial cheating should be ignored or go unpunished. If in some alternate universe, I was Betty Draper and had to deal with a hubby who had a new fling every week, I would be OVER that and serving divorce papers faster than you can say, "Sterling Cooper Draper Price." But in cases where it's a one-time indiscretion ... I'm just not sure it's fair to say you'd definitely walk away immediately.
As Heigl told Cosmo:
If a mistake were to be made and it was a one-time thing, I would forgive [my husband]. Because look at the life we've built together. We have history, we have a child.
Seems level-headed to me. I feel like once you're married or even in a long-term, serious relationship, it's ridiculous to adhere to a philosophy that "never in a million years" would you stand for a one-time slip-up or to think "once a cheater, always a cheater." It shouldn't necessarily be like that; you've got to be more flexible -- especially if there are kids involved. I would think if that were the case, you'd feel your relationship was worth the work it would take to overcome the betrayal.
Looking at the bigger picture and thinking of marriages I know that have now lasted anywhere from 5 to 35+ years, infidelity is only one trust-busting mistake spouses can make. Think of numerous other betrayals that could end up feeling as bad or worse -- lying or hiding things especially related to finances, etc. In the end, sure, cheating could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and wrecks a happy, healthy marriage. But it doesn't have to be.
Is cheating a deal-breaker for you?
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Comments 79
i don't think i could walk away but having to deal with a situation like that would break my heart to pieces.
This one hits particularly close to home. My husband cheated on me and ended up getting the other woman pregnant. It was an incredibly hard time for me and we were on the brink of divorce for about 3 years. Before I found out I thought that if he ever cheated on me I would be out of there in a hot minute but when you are faced with the real and actual situation it is so different. You are confused, sad, angry, the list just goes on and on. I ended up forgiving him and we are happier and stronger than ever. There were a lot more issues than just the cheating that needed to be faced and now that we have both acknowledged them and worked and are still working on them we are stronger and happier than we were before.
Oh please he just wanted some tail. You don't do the do first then try to work things out second.
I cheated on DH back when we were dating. I was stupid, looking for attention, unhappy; the list could go on but the point is, I shouldn't have acted like I did. When it happened, he dumped me and kicked me out of our apartment and once he'd had a chance to get his head clear, he took me back and we've since gotten married, had a baby, and are now pregnant with #2!
As a cheater (especially as a teenager...my mom taught me "You're a teenager. You don't owe any guy anything. You do what you want"), I think circumstances mean a lot. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I wasn't looking for love, etc. DH and I are stronger for what we've been through, and I don't ever see myself cheating on him again. I love him too much for it.
I think serial cheaters really need to take a step back and look at their lives. Perhaps they'd realize what's important in life (like I did), and not think about themselves.
I just think it's sad and warped that some women think your marriage has to be dragged through the mud to become strong(er). "We've been though a lot together" is such dilusional justification for your abused tolerance level. There really are marriages and relationships out there without infidelity and lying that are very strong and happy.
Why not just have an open marriage and negotiate all this stuff,take "cheating" off the table, no one man or woman can meet every need. It's the lying and the deception that will kill the marriage.
A mortgage and kids is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship after you've been betrayed by the very person who swore to love you and only you till death do us part. I just can't see how betraying the one you love on the most intimate and personal level like that can ever truly be forgiven. Personally, I feel like it would bubble under the surface and then rear it's ugly head over something trivial. If the trust is gone, the relationship is gone. Love alone cannot always save a relationship. He beats me, but I love him. He cheats on me, but I love him. Doesn't make sense to me.
I am going to play devil's advocate here for a minute. Not all men cheat because they are rotten bastards. Some cheat because their wives make their lives a a nightmare - they nag, they put them down, they lie, they are just plain unhappy and want to make the world unhappy. I have girlfriends married to wonderful men and they treat their husbands like garbage. I feel for the guys. For most cheaters, I think it is the relationship that is broken, not just the man. From my past experiences, if a spouse (man or woman) isn't feeling loved and needed at home, they will find that attention somewhere else. Sometimes he has to do with sex, sometimes not. In the end, both partners have to take a long hard look at the relationship and decide if it is worth saving. Now, if the man was a cheater dating, is still a cheater, or always has been a cheater, then he needs to be left behind in a cloud of dust.
Would the same consideration be accorded to the woman if the tables were turned?
[deafening silence]
I thought not.
All these examples are of the men cheaters. I think that question needs to be posed to every husband to give him an idea of the heartache and overall disturbance cheating causes. No matter how smart a guy thinks he is by dealing on the side and "no one will get hurt" they never allow themselves to think how they would feel if it were the other way around. Unless a man personally IDs with something, he will never understand it.
yep. Its a dealbreaker. Even once. I have more self-respect that to put up with that.