The Reasons Your Husband Won't Have Sex With You


statueWe all know the stereotype -- men want sex and they want it now. And now. And now. Except when they ... well, don't. And when that happens, it's confusing. And frustrating. And even hurtful. We ask ourselves: Why won't my husband have sex with me? What's going on with him?

Okay, ladies, it's important to remember that just because the stereotype is that all men want to have sex all of the time doesn't mean it's true. Just like all blonde women aren't stupid, not all men are sexually motivated creatures. And for your man, having a low libido may be the cause of shame, confusion, and embarrassment.

Here are the top reasons men do not want to have sex:

Medication. While we've made great advancements in medications, many of the drugs men take to lower their blood pressure or relieve their depression have unexpected side effects. Specifically a lower sex drive. If this may be the culprit, encourage your man to speak to his doctor about it.

Stress and anxiety. Men often cite that they're concerned about their performance in the bedroom. Try reassuring your partner that you're going to feel fulfilled -- no matter what -- and that you both simply need to keep your expectations in check.

Exhaustion. It's cliche, I know, but fatigue is a common reason that men may cite as dampening their sexual desire. It's hard to want to get down and dirty when all you can think about is glorious sleep. So allow your partner some sleep or try and engage in sexual activities during other times of the day.

Anger. Anger at one's spouse -- especially in long-term relationships, where problems may be unresolved -- can be another cause for a decreased sexual appetite. Expressing that anger through therapy or long honest talks, or try and bring that aggression into the bedroom.

The more we talk about loss of libido in men, the less of a secret it will be and the more people will open up and share their experiences.

Do you ever feel sexually rejected? How do you deal?


Image via Wolfgang Staudt/Flickr

marriage, sex


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

arlis... arliss123

You're forgetting a major one : porn. No matter what your personal feelings about it, it can definitely affect your love life in a negative way.

Rachel Schiller

How does porn make your husband not want to have sex? It makes mine want me (and makes me want him... yeah, that's right. I watch porn, too. And I like it).

nonmember avatar blh

I think arliss meant that porn affects a guys sex drive if hes constantly watching porn and jacking off not if you both enjoy it sometimes together.

LikeA... LikeAVirgin

I've known several people who's love life suffered because their partner was addicted to porn. I have no problem with porn though, as long as everyone involved is an adult...and no animals!!!

hotic... hoticedcoffee

Honestly, I've never been rejected sexually - either by my hubs or past bedfellows.  I think it would be REALLY hard to deal with, though, even if I knew the reason and thought it was valid.  I'm not sure what that says about me....

nonmember avatar Mike M

Similar to what Rachel said above, porn is an aphrodisiac for men. It can either be used to enhance a relationship, or it can be used to damage a relationship. How it's viewed and used by the couple makes all the difference. Similarly, many women are turned on by steamy romance novels but men aren't as likely to take that kind of activity as personally as women take the use of porn personally. (Of course there are many reasons for that, but my guess is that the main reason is that woman don't have a sex drive that is as pervasive as the sex drive that many men have - thus women aren't as likely to feel the desire to spend as much time trying to satisfy their sex drive as men may want to.) Both of these aphrodisiacs (porn and romance novels) involve fantasy, yet women often assume that men aren't as attracted to them if they spend time viewing porn. (With that said, a good way for a woman to turn off her husband's sex drive for her is to assume he loves others more than he loves her.) If women could understand what it's like to have the sex drive of a man then they'd understand that the desire to view porn is normally because their sex drive runs circles around the sex drive of their wife. If women could accept that fact and allow men to satisfy their sexual appetite when she isn't in the mood and schedule sex with her husband (so he knows when he should hold off on the porn) when she is (or is likely to be) in the mood should help improve a relationship.

nonmember avatar Mike M

Now, if a woman wants to have sex but the man just wants to view porn then there may be an issue. Asking him why he prefers porn would be the place to start rather than assuming that he doesn't love his wife. (To most men there's a big difference between love and porn and women don't always seem to understand this about men. Men desiring porn is very much analogous to the desire for tasty foods in the sense that most people don't love food more than they love their spouse. People can have a healthy relationship that includes tasty foods just as porn in moderation can be an ingredient in a healthy relationship.) That's the wise way to approach the subject as there could be any number of issues caused by either and/or both of the individuals that lead him to do what he does. Lastly, I personally don't like most porn (my view is that guys often behave selfishly and are taking advantage of women and I don't like that. Nor do I like how fake everything is. Real, normal people sharing real, selfless love for each other is what I enjoy seeing the most and that is a very rare ingredient of porn/erotica.), and I do feel that it should be possible to encourage men (not by insulting/degrading their choice in what to view, but by explaining things to them and offering alternatives so they can understand what you like and value) to change their habits (unless you act as a dictator - in that case he'll likely rebel because most people prefer not to have their life dictated by others).

jaxmadre jaxmadre

I have a way higher sex drive than my SO, and he works overnights... I have to remind myself not to take it personal when he doesn't respond to my advances. It's hard not to, but it really isn't truly a rejection of me. He's exhausted.

arlis... arliss123

Exactly, blh. My husband's porn addiction started when he was about 14; it was an off shoot of his home life as a child growing up in a dysfunctional home. Home life was unpredictable, but porn was safe; women in magazines can't reject you. So even though we married young and have a nice, functional home life, his addiction was so deeply ingrained in him that it affected everything, but ESPECIALLY our sex life. Thankfully, after much counseling with a therapist who specializes in addiction he got to the root of the problem, and two years later, our marriage is night and day from where it was. As  a side note, the problem is much more common than many people think. He now goes weekly to Sexaholics Anonymous, and most of the men there are not child molesters, rapists, etc. They are men who have a porn addiction that is negatively affecting their lives. So anyways, I know that was a long post, but it's definitely something to consider if your husband is not having sex with you.

nonmember avatar Robert

They left out "because she got fat".

1-10 of 79 comments 12345 Last