I won't go into the dirty details, but trust me when I say that my divorce was the saddest and most painful thing that's ever happened to me. What made it worse? The really dumb things that people would say when I told them my husband and I were no longer together. I'd like to think that their hearts were in the right place, but it's difficult to know for sure when their mouths were spewing such insensitive nonsense.
Check out the 10 things you should never, ever say to a divorcee.
1. “Didn’t you see this coming from the beginning?” Busted! I glimpsed into the future and saw disaster and ruination but planned an entire life with him anyway because I enjoy a good crushing life-blow. Next time around, a little heads-up?
2. “I always hated [insert scorned spouse’s name here].” Do you mean you always hated the man who I thought I would love forever and said so in front of everyone I knew on the best day of my life? Gee, thanks. (If you chose to procreate with scorned spouse, this statement is 168 times more offensive.)
3. “OMG. Do you think I’ll get divorced, too?” The good news for you is that divorce is not contagious. The bad news is you may get divorced for being so damn insensitive and self-centered.
4. “How do you find the strength to get out of bed in the morning?” It’s divorce -- not the zombie apocalypse!
5. “My husband and I had problems -- but we decided to try harder and work it out.” Don’t assume that just because my name is Kim, I Kardashianed my way out of my marriage. Sometimes the best intentions, dogged determination, and all the counseling in the world just isn’t enough to fix what’s broke. That’s a scary thing to accept -- which I suppose is why many people haven’t.
6. "My husband and I have problems – just the other day we got in a big fight about whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher!” Can I please join you in your alternate reality?
7. “What a bummer! … Hey, do you want to come to my heart-themed couples-only baby shower?” Not unless the baby shower has a game that involves watching a divorced woman drink herself into a coma.
8. “When are you going to start dating again?” Immediately. Once those men see this tear-streaked basket case, I'm sure I'll be married again in no time.
9. “Oh no! Does this mean you can only date divorced men now? Ick!” Yes. And we’ll live in a divorced house and drive a divorced car and have a divorced dog and divorced children because we're only one step up from ax murderers and that's all we defective people deserve. (For the record, all the divorced men I’ve met are lovely.)
10. But the worst thing to say to a divorcee is … nothing at all. Call me dramatic, but many people will tell you that dealing with divorce is just as painful, stressful, and life-altering as dealing with a death of a loved one. If a friend had a close family member or friend pass away, would you avoid the topic and pretend everything was business as usual? No, you would say things like, “I’m here for you. You’ll get through this. I care about you.” Guess what? Same thing goes for divorce. Just because it’s awkward doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
Image via Cocteau Boy/Flickr
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Comments 86
As for the number 2 of the 10 Things Never to say well......my sister married an ass we begged warned pleaded for her not to, he beat her before they were married and continued to do so after for quite a while until my younger brother threatened his life if he ever touched her again. After 2 children and never working a full time job and basically being a human turd he then cheated on my beautiful, compassionate hardworking albeit stupid/smart sister and left her for a woman who within less than3 months kicked his pathetic carcass out. My poor sister BEGGED him not to leave her after nearly 25 years of marriage, to no avail and he left following his pathetic penis brain when his own son was having terrible mental problems and our mother was in the depths of her fight against cancer and my sister was the sole caregiver (they live 10000 miles away in Oz). So the first thing the VERY FIRST THING I said to my sister was exactly I ALWAYS HATED HIM. I still do and though my sister has forgiven him and even feels sorry because he is a basket case on his own but when I think of him all I imagine is him suffering and getting even a little back of what he put my sister through. So forget about 2 and say it out loud!
i am getting one right now, and i really hate is " Im sorry" you didnt do this
One of my friends actually told me that someday I would be happy that my ex had an affair. It was a really messy situation and my mom refused to let me take time to just be sad and always asked me questions like "what do you think he's doing now" "do you think he'll come back" this was right after my husband had left me and our 8 month old little girl for another woman.
Also, I lost my dad 6 months later and from personal expirience I can say that the betrayal in the divorce was much more of a searing scarring pain and losing my father.
The best thing you can say is I'm sorry, that sucks.
It is hard to say anything about a lot of things because you are worried about how it will come across or that it might make a frenemy out of your best friend.
When my cousin got divorced, I helped her cut the pockets out of all of his pants and wash all of his underwear with her red sweater (Lol!) She's a passive aggressive and I'm just vindictive. Also, for years, my cousin's ex had this basset hound. This dog was an obnoxious pain in the ass and dumb as a brink and he kept humping everything that would be still and lifting his leg all over the house. She had been begging him to have this dog neutered for years but he whined that he wasn't taking away his dog's manhood. So, when he announced that he was leaving her and walked out, calling the next day to announce that he was taking his "girlfriend" to Mexico for the weekend and would she take care of Buster, for the weekend. Buster lifted his leg on her favorite chair so she and I took him to have him neutered. He was pissed. Revenge is always a great way to get over a divorce. I've never actually been divorced before, because I've never been married, but I'm always a willing accomplice when the need arises. Good Luck!