stopwatchI decided a long time ago that I would never, ever stop having sex. Ever. Of course, that all changed when I met my first lousy lover. Which was followed by my second, third, and, well, you get the idea.

I get it, not everyone is born knowing all the tricks, or there wouldn't be a market for Cosmo's recycled sex tips. Through my own experiences, I've been able to compile a list of my top six types of lousy lovers.

1. The Leg Humper. In high school, I remember dry-humping being the pinnacle of awesomeness. Nights on the couch "watching a movie" ruled. However, once actual penetration was achieved, dry-humping went by the wayside. For good reason. Dry-humping is NOT better than actual sex. Ever.

2. The Minute-Man. Okay, so don't get all up in arms at me about this one. It happens. It's flattering ... until it's not. If every time we get naked, it takes me more time to remove my bra than to complete sex, something's got to give.

3. The Jack Rabbit. I've (unfortunately) seen rabbits have sex. The look on the female rabbit's face is always a mixture of shame and embarrassment, like, "How did I GET myself into this situation?" Which neatly sums up what it's like to have sex with a Jack Rabbit.

4. The Pushy Lover. It really DOES suck when you're all ready to get down and dirty and your partner decides that they're not in the mood. Been there. However, begging, pleading, and downright groveling for sex is not only not hot, it's embarrassing. For both of us.

5. The Lazy Boy. Now, I don't always need hours of foreplay to get in the mood, but if you just want to be in and out every single time, well, you can be in and out somewhere else. 

6. The Selfish One. There's nothing I like post-sexin' than to roll over and take a nap. However, if I haven't actually climaxed and you roll over and go to sleep without a word? It's time to roll right on over and out of my bed.

What about you? Are there types of lousy lovers I'm missing?

 

Image via wwarby/Flickr