Beware the 6 Types of Lousy Lovers

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stopwatchI decided a long time ago that I would never, ever stop having sex. Ever. Of course, that all changed when I met my first lousy lover. Which was followed by my second, third, and, well, you get the idea.

I get it, not everyone is born knowing all the tricks, or there wouldn't be a market for Cosmo's recycled sex tips. Through my own experiences, I've been able to compile a list of my top six types of lousy lovers.

1. The Leg Humper. In high school, I remember dry-humping being the pinnacle of awesomeness. Nights on the couch "watching a movie" ruled. However, once actual penetration was achieved, dry-humping went by the wayside. For good reason. Dry-humping is NOT better than actual sex. Ever.

2. The Minute-Man. Okay, so don't get all up in arms at me about this one. It happens. It's flattering ... until it's not. If every time we get naked, it takes me more time to remove my bra than to complete sex, something's got to give.

3. The Jack Rabbit. I've (unfortunately) seen rabbits have sex. The look on the female rabbit's face is always a mixture of shame and embarrassment, like, "How did I GET myself into this situation?" Which neatly sums up what it's like to have sex with a Jack Rabbit.

4. The Pushy Lover. It really DOES suck when you're all ready to get down and dirty and your partner decides that they're not in the mood. Been there. However, begging, pleading, and downright groveling for sex is not only not hot, it's embarrassing. For both of us.

5. The Lazy Boy. Now, I don't always need hours of foreplay to get in the mood, but if you just want to be in and out every single time, well, you can be in and out somewhere else. 

6. The Selfish One. There's nothing I like post-sexin' than to roll over and take a nap. However, if I haven't actually climaxed and you roll over and go to sleep without a word? It's time to roll right on over and out of my bed.

What about you? Are there types of lousy lovers I'm missing?

 

Image via wwarby/Flickr

dating, hooking up, sex, sex drive, sexuality, turn-offs

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nonmember avatar Liz

I find the minute man, the lazy boy, and selfish one are all the same person. I think there are a lot of men who can finish quickly if they want to, but it's the lazy and selfish ones who allow themselves to finish that fast.

amomo... amomonous

i love love love this article!! i am fortunate to have one slept with one person, my husband, i do hear stories. i definitely feel lucky that my husband is nothing that was mentioned above. and we always end sleeping in each others' arms...GAG..i know ;) sex is wondering and sometimes men don't realize how special it can be for women too...they just have to know to do it

Lucre... LucretiaMcEvil

"I'm tired, so tired. I'm tired of having sex." ~ Weezer "Tired of Sex"

Tommy... Tommyskitty

The Know It All - The man that claims he can "rock your world" and then proves he's nothing but a fumbler and has no clue how the woman's body works.

nonmember avatar blh

Lol at tommyskitty! Don't all mean think they can" rock your world"? And yet I've found few that can.

MadMe... MadMerlotMama

The Stupid Lover: True story, I once slept with a guy that was stupid, with apologies to Stupid people. We got done doin' the horizontal tango, and he immediately gets up to pee. I asked him WTF was his deal and he said, "I don't want to get an infection, and if you pee afterwards you don't get one. Duh."


1) What did you think the condom was for, bro?


2) That's for girls, moron.

nonmember avatar Adam's Rib

Wow,this must be the "bitter,butthurt women's club".

nonmember avatar jazzy

Opposite problem from a 10 minute man. He takes way to long to finish. By the time he's done I'm exhausted and sore. Was fun at first but it gets frustrating.

ambtr... ambtrav2kids

Hmmmm... my bf can be all of those wrapped up in one at times. He has gotten his ass chewed out because of it. Then there are the times when I'm like OMG just get it over with!! Lol! There is a way to fix these issues. Its called training. HAHAHA! My bf has learned a lot from me since we've gotten together.


I slept with one guy that was the "I'm gonna rock your world" type and I could barely feel anything. Luckily I can fake it like a porn star.

Octob... Octobersmom

So glad that I chose to only be with my husband so that I don't feel the urge to be this way about or sex life and can just enjoy being with my man.

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