Your Man Says You're Getting Fat—Do You Care?


Muffin topI’m a girl-power enthusiast, so I often go off about all of the hoops and hurdles ladies have to jump in order to fit this standard of sexiness we’ve been crammed into.

In an hour-long stretch of TV-watching, advertisers pelt us with makeup to even our skin tone, creams to fluff our hair, potions to smooth out wrinkles, contraptions to suck in any part of our bodies that may host an unsightly bulge — and then they hit us with 1,000 ways to shed that weight, just in case said contraptions don’t tuck it in far enough. I love being a woman but sometimes the demands are exhausting.

That being said, despite all of my revolutionary-isms, I still want to look good for my man. I want him to think I’m beautiful, be proud to have me on his arm. Guess my roars against sexism are only but so loud. But I’ve heard of guys flat out expecting their women to look a certain way with that big, unspoken “or else” looming in the air. 

How deep could that love really be if he’s basing his affections on how she looks, anyway?

I think most women, at some dark and regretful part of their lives, have been with — probably for too long — a man who rattled their self-esteem. A lot of times dudes say really jerky, inconsiderate things because 1) they can get away with it and 2) they’re given the go-ahead by society to be petty and superficial.

One time, as I was waging a personal battle against the fruit of my tumultuous love affair with Twinkies and Chik-Fil-A (I shake an angry but loving fist at thee, waffle fries!), I managed to find a pair of jeans that actually allowed me to breathe and move at the same time. Success was mine that day, y’all. I was ready to take on the world, so long as it didn’t require me to sit down, bend at the waist, or make any sudden movements that might make my button pop open and fly through the air like a machine gun bullet.

Yes, I had gained some weight. But my boyfriend at the time crossed the line when he pinched a piece of my belly fat, had the nerve to smile, and coo “getting a little thick there, boo.”

Let me stop here and explain for those who don’t know: ‘thick’ in the black community isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Black men generally like women with a little junk in the trunk, a little something draggin’ in the wagon, which alas comes along with extra weight in other areas too. They don’t seem to mind much. But that right there wasn’t a good ‘thick,’ even though he tempered it with a smile. That was a less-dining-more-jogging ‘thick.’

You know what? That sideways little comment didn’t inspire me to lose not a pound. For one, rippled abs were not one of his assets because he didn’t have ‘em. So who was he to be poking and prodding at somebody else’s body flaws? In fact, most of the time I find that the dudes with the snittiest little things to say are often the ones that should be zipping it, keeping a low profile, and quietly praying that some gal doesn’t zero in on their saggy, baggy shortcomings.

I’ve had friends have their boyfriends point out gray hair, flabby skin, flat rumps. One fool even came for his girl only weeks after she had had their baby. “He asked me how long I thought it was going to take me to get back to my old self,” she snorted.

“You shoulda asked him the same thing,” I grumped. In the nine months it took her to push out a new human life, he’d also packed on about 20 pounds that he hadn’t had before he found out he was going to be a father.

“I did!” she cackled. We had ourselves a good laugh at his expense.

Granted, I want to keep myself up for me as much as I do for the viewing pleasure of The Man. But, but if I were to stop with all the plucking, primping, fluffing, and coiffing today, I would still expect him to love me something fierce. Ask me what the heck is going on, sure. But certainly, for the love of good common sense, don’t point that — or anything else — out.

Would you be offended if your man highlighted some flaw or personal issue to you?

Image via karlfrankowski/Flickr

dating, dating mom, marriage, turn-offs, turn-ons, single moms


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Nraw2011 Nraw2011

It's one thing to gain a few pounds it's another to totally let yourself go.  I know many moms (and dads) who have done the latter.  Just because you've landed a partner doesn't mean you should totally stop trying.  I doubt Id look forward to being intimate with my husband if he gained 150lbs and wore dirty sweats inside and outside the house all the time.  It goes both ways.  When did taking pride in ones appearance become a bad thing?  

2love 2love

My and my boyfriend pick at eachother about the weight we've gained since we've met... But I've had a baby and he had a near death car wreck and weeks in the hospital so its expected... That bein said we've been walking in the mornings because we do want to get back to where we were when we met.

nonmember avatar cakedots

I can't get over how many people get bent out of shape when Janelle posts. It's like you don't understand what she's saying at all. Good lord, she's saying that regardless of how you look on any given day your man (or woman) should love you just the same. And I"ll bet my bottom dollar that all the nitpickers on any given day would agree. Yay Janelle! Hope your daughter is doing well!

butte... butterflymkm

Yeah sorry. If you love someone you love them just as much when they looktheir worst ad when they look their best. For better or for worse as they say. A gentle-"hey hunny wanna take a walk with me in the evenings?" is one thing..,

easun... easunshine

I agree that your partner should love you just as much when you've put some weight on as before. However, that doesn't equate to physical attraction, and lack of does have potential to be harmful to a relationship as it can cause intimacy issues.

Books... BooksnBoys

My husband said this to me after I gained a lot of weight due to birth control pills.  I didn't relize what the problem was, I just knew that even on a diet (I even stopped eating completely for a few days) I still gained weight.  I think part of the problem is that men in general don't understand how women equate self-worth and image with their body weight.  It's not just about staying healthy or losing a few pounds to them, it's "you don't think I'm attractive" or "you don't love me the same".

xavie... xavierlogan09

yes. i would be offended if my fiance said a rude comment about my weight or looks. my sister is married and her husband constantly berates her about her weight. she has been overweight since before they have been together. he told her if she gained too much weight while she was pregnant he would cheat on her again. he's an ass. i would have left him but she didn't. i think a man should love you regardless of what you look like after you have had a baby or have changed over the years.

Photo... Photomom89

If my husband told me I was fat I would work on getting rid of said fat. My husband is not a liar and he isn't mean. If he says I'm fat it's because I'm unhealthy. He doesn't make a big deal of a couple extra pounds or a little baby weight but if I were to become obese, he would probably say something and I would want him to.

nonmember avatar andie

If it's gotten to the point where I no longer am fitting my clothes, then guess what? I already KNOW I've put on weight.. no need for you to point it out, honey bunch.

If it's NOT at that point, then one's best course of action is to STFU, and if that cannot be accomplished, I will happily take my fat arse elsewhere.

JCake... JCakebread

I would love my husband no matter what he looked like or gained. I expect no less from him. I love him for who he is not what he looks like. Ladies who justify a man finding someone else because accoriding to you they 'let themselves go' are selling yourselves short. You deserve better! You need to remind yourselves of this. We allow men to say this stuff to us because we don't value ourselves enough. I want to look good for my husband, but I know he'll love me anyways. I know I was about 70 pounds heavier when I went in to have my daughter about 9 months ago.


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