Once You're Married, Say Buh-Bye to Single Friends

69

Married and singleI’m typically not a banner-waving advocate for single people’s rights. Every once in a while, I’ll run across something biased against folks who have yet to say “I do,” if they’re interested in saying it at all. Like when an RSVP allows married couples to come together but doesn’t give swingin’ singles the option to bring a date. That’s pretty presumptuous. The man of my dreams is out there, and he might show up just in time to make it to the party.

Also insulting: a word of advice dispensed at a friend’s bridal shower that left me with the wow-did-she-really-say-that? face. This chick stood up, toasted her sister — who was the one getting married — and made one simple suggestion: “Surround yourself with married friends. You’re a married woman now, so let go of anybody who might distract you.” 

Welp, I’ve been found out. That sure enough is my ulterior, underhanded motive. Single gal leading my married friends down the low road like the vampy Pied Piper, ruining holy matrimony one union at a time. It is, no doubt, my diabolical plot. (Cue my sinister laugh.)

I’ve heard some ridiculous stuff when it comes to matters of the heart but c’mon. First of all, whether they’re single, married, shacking up, or completely asexual, no external person should wield that much relationship-affecting influence over you unless you let them. You don’t need married friends to convince you to stay on the straight and narrow any more than your single friends should be able to lead you astray. Of course, they always come in as a handy excuse, but that’s part of the reason why unattached guys and gals get a bad rap in the first place.

Truth be told, not every married person is as gung ho about the commitment as folks would like to believe they are. I’ve seen dudes having a harder time letting go of their bachelor habits and more single guys 'fessing up that they’re not ready to take that leap for that very same fear of commitment. I’d much rather bump into the latter than the former, please believe that.
 
Nonetheless, it seemed, for a period of time, that my friend was actually adhering to her kooky sister’s even kookier advice. She went MIA for weeks. Initially, her gal pal circle and I attributed her missing-ness to being all tangled up in love and enjoying the wonderment of being a newlywed. Up until the time they tied the knot, she and her boo had been engaged in a super long-term relationship — he in Los Angeles, she in New York — so not only was she adjusting to being a married woman, she was getting used to having him at her disposal every day, whether she felt up to him or not.

But after a while, I couldn’t help but wonder if she was in fact trying to distance herself from her dead weight single friends for a new band of homies who were hitched like she was.  

I have a real problem with marriage elitists, folks who think that having a ring on their finger or a photo album full of sappy pictures makes them the end-all be-all when it comes to people who lead happy, full lives. And there are plenty of them running around, trust me. They shower you with pity because you’re not where they are — and really, isn’t that where every sane person wants to be? Wrapped up in the arms of the one they love every night?

It’s no secret that I’d love to be married somewhere over the rainbow. Some single folks don’t have that desire; I hold a candle for it on my list of to-dos. But if it never happens, I won’t jump off a bridge wearing concrete sneakers. I will still be a viable, valuable individual. And a darn good friend, even in my singleness. I can still listen to exciting news and ranting vents and offer the best advice I can give. Far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to have a rock on your finger to listen objectively or give level-headed input into a situation.

Should married people maintain close relationships with their single friends? Or should they leave them in the past?  



Image via banoootah_qtr/Flickr

commitment, marriage

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kkey75 kkey75

I was in my bff's wedding in 2004. We took her to Vegas for her bachelorette party, threw not 1, not 2, but 3 different showers for different parts of her family. And generally babied her for the better part of 8 months because I wanted her day to be perfect and special for her. I probably spent about $5000 on her wedding only to have her immediately dump me after it was over. It broke my heart. So yes, married people should keep their friends, but they probably aren't going to.

dirti... dirtiekittie

what a silly, silly thing to say! i'm happily married for nearly 7 years, and still have some single girlfriends, as well as a couple of divorced ones and another who's getting married this year. sure, you should have something in common with your friends, but why does it have to be relationship status for it to matter? shared interests, common bonds and friendships forged over years are nothing to just drop because you get married. that's how you become THAT married girl.

dirti... dirtiekittie

@kkey - that's so NOT ok. i'm sorry to hear that happened to you. i've been there too (and some girls do it just for a boyfriend! they don't even need the ring!) and they give the rest of us a bad name. :/

Mama2... Mama2MonkeyBoys

Unfortunately, sometimes it's not up to the married woman to choose. When I got married, my single friends slowly starting finding "other things to do" with their time. Now I pretty much hang out with my family and my inlaws.

CoolR... CoolRelax

I think that variety is the key.  Nobody should be "dropped" just because they're still single.  At the same time, there are times when as a married person you want to do "couples" things.  And like DirtyKittie said - some chicks don't even need the ring to drop their friends, all they need is a boyfriend!  I'm dealing with that right now, and it's so tragic.  It's like my friend was just waiting for a man to find her "worthy" and now she can't be found.  Shit, I have 8 mo old twins and a husband and I can still spare a few moments for her.  Now if you invite her anywhere..."sure, we can make it!".  Grrrrrr......


Also, married folks aren't the only ones who do this.  Plenty of single women isolate themselves from their married friends.  Which is stupid, because married people tend to hang with folks who are open to marriage.  Plenty of eligible bachelors at these dinner parties and summer cookouts.

1blue... 1bluemonkey

The only issue I have with this article is your perspective that you're being discriminated against somehow when a person invites a married couple but you alone without the opportunity to bring a guest.  Has it ever occurred to you that it is a person's prerogative to not have complete strangers show up at their events?  When I invite friends over, I invite couples because I know BOTH of them, and single friends are not invited to bring "a guest" because I don't want absolute strangers showing up at my house or at events that are essentially for family.

jalaz77 jalaz77

Any good true friend should be part of your life, married or single. What if that friend never marries? So ditch her because of her status? Little prejudice. What if you divorce so now you can hang out again? Now if that friend can't accept you will not be at their beck and call anymore then yes move on, that would be a maturity issue. When friendships end it's usually two sided. Things are going to change when your married, you need to choose your time wisely and it gets even harder with kids in the picture. Of course my life has changed but my real friends are still in it.

PonyC... PonyChaser

I think it really depends on the person. When I married, I had single friends who stuck with me (and I to them) like glue. One married about 6 years after me, another married 15 years after me. We're still close enough to be sisters.


On the other hand, I had friends who were single that literally said goodbye to me at my wedding. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's exactly what they did. It's all a matter of the individual. Some people aren't comfortable hanging with those who are at different points in their lives.


The same thing happens again when children come along. Some friendships are made for small segments, others are made for life.

Mocha... MochaCocoaBean

I can't say that I find this to be the case...I have maintained friendships with most all of my single friends, but I am also not reluctant to make plans or do things without my husband. Likewise, he makes plans and does things with his friends, and I am happy to not tag along. That isn't to say we don't hang out with other couples (married or not), but it isn't a requirement to be friends with one or both of us.


If you are willing to maintain some of your own identity and not just become the Mrs. to his Mr., you can easily maintain those friendships.

3rdCo... 3rdCoastTXtoast

This is the only topic my husband and I ever argue about. He has, in my opinion, "loser friends". They are the same ones he used to party with as a teenager, only thing is, he grew up and they didn't. They all still live at home with their mom or grandmother, none have jobs, or even girlfriends.



My husband and I have been together for 10 years, are married, have a 1year old boy, husband works full time outside at a plant, I am a stay-@-home-mom. We pay all of our own bills, own 2 nice cars, and never have help raising our kid outside of the 2 of us.



What does he see in them? They smoke weed, bum rides, and are 26year old man-children. I seriously hate his friends. I don't have friends that I hang out with, so I don't see how its fair that he does, especially considering who they are. If they just had girlfriends, were responsible, bill-paying, society-contributing normal people who didn't get gas money from their grandmothers, I could respect them more. Its an ongoing arguement that I don't ever see ending.

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