It's Hard to Feel Sexy When You're a Mom


SexyOver the weekend, my friends and I decided to gear up for an evening on the town. Tween Girl Supreme is gone for the duration of her summer break, spending time in Brooklyn and Miami with her father’s side of the family. So I’m left to try to remember what it is I used to do when I was, for that brief period of life, childless and fancy-free. I go through this every time she goes away — maybe twice a year — but my homies had a plan to get me out of the house.

I’m 99 percent sure our crazy selves would’ve made the most of the night even if the lounge alone wasn’t hitting on much. That’s just how we are. The process of getting ready is the deterrent. Trying on outfits, turning every which way to analyze body parts at different angles, trying to achieve some semblance of seductiveness? That’s the part of the going-out routine I hate. It makes me wonder: has motherhood made me unsexy? 

That, of course, implies that I was ever sexy in the first place.

It’s certainly not a question every woman grapples with. I see mamas who ooze natural come hither-ness and they’ve got a gaggle of kids in their cart at the grocery store or a minivan full when they pull up to dance practice. I slap those ladies a mental high five and give them kudos for stirring up their inner hotness. But, more often than that, I spot moms who have clearly given up on any attempts to be even remotely stylish, let alone sexy.

We all have days where it’s all we can do to brush our teeth and whisk our hair up in a ponytail. Maybe the gal in question is out on an errand-running mission. Maybe she has the flu. Maybe she’s got a few hours to herself before her children come home and she’ll be darned if she wastes precious moments primping and fluffing in front of the mirror. Those are all relatable excuses.

But then there are the chicks who seem to be hellbent on breaking the unwritten Guinness Book record for longest streak in sweatpants and Crocs. The closest things to beauty products that have touched their faces are Chapstick and Dove, and everything in their wardrobes screams functionality over femininity. I see them in Wal-mart and Target all the time.

Every once in a while, especially when it’s cold outside, I’m in full freelance-writer-on-deadline, bare-minimum-maintenance mode and I have zero incentive to even lift a wand of mascara, I’ll find myself becoming that mom. Sweatpants are addictive, I don’t care what anybody says. So after two or three days in them — interspersed with a few wears of leggings, which are my other go-to fave — I have to forcibly peel myself out of them or risk being sucked into that abyss of perpetual frumpiness.  

I might not be the hottest mom on the PTA committee (and I’m not, thanks to a cleavage-flashing lady who seems to be the one to always collect funds at every event), but I think I balance the hectic responsibilities of motherhood with a fairly stylish and sustained look. My thing is learning how to tap into my sexiness. It’s there (I think). I just have to know how to work it.

The Man is trying to convince me that I have it going on naturally. It’s what attracted him to me, he insists, even across the miles through my Facebook pics. He admits to stalking my photos and he must not be lying, because he can rattle off a list of his favorite outfits and poses in pictures even I forgot that I took and posted. I’m glad that something drew him in, of course. I just wish I could tap into it myself when I’m getting ready to hit the town with the girls.

So this weekend, we’re giving it another go. I’ll spend oodles of time in front of the mirror, I’m sure, trying to work up my inner sexy. If I keep this up from now until the time my child gets home at the end of the month, I may actually find it.

Do you feel more or less sexy since you had your kids?

Image via buyalex/Flickr

sexuality, dating, marriage


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Jennifer Chance Spencer

Well I turned into the woman that makes no attempt to be sexy unfortunately! It's not by choice mind you, it's lack of time management, money, and  conflicting feelings. I have no time management skills, i have a 3 month old, 3yr old and 16 yr old.I feel like all I do is feed and daiper all day until my hubs gets home and then it is feed and cater to him as well! Money is scarce my hubs was laid off 2 weeks before my 3 month old was born so we are on a shoestring budget. I frequent second hand shops but the sizes are no longer the sizes they once were so I end up buying clothes that are ill fitting and that is just a ego destroyer especially when you know you've lost weight! then there is the mommy mode and the inner me mode. I want to be sexy but I feel like as a mom of three I need to be subdued as to not draw negative attention. I see the cleavege clad moms with the perfect hair, manicured fingers and toes, very stylish hair and make-up, and clothes that look great even though she is a size 14. I am jealous of these moms and a little awestruck also. How does one afford all those things and children too!  Where do they get the time to frequent the salons and tanning beds, buy great clothes, and maintain a home. I have decided that this year I'm going to become the more put together mom  and not use excuses to go out looking less than human! I do want to find my inner sexiness and I'm sure my hubs would like me to as well!  To Be Continued!

Melis... Melissa042807

It took me some time to feel sexy again after I had my baby, because let's face it, my post-delivery body was not sexy! Nowadays, I do feel sexier, because I got on a health kick and made some changes to my life and am now slimmer and in better shape than I was when I got pregnant.

For me, it's worth the time in front of the mirror to primp a little. I don't have to do the full-blown out-on-the-town glam every single day, but just a touch of makeup and a quick style to my hair does wonders. If there's one thing I tell other moms, it's to get a good haircut that's easy to style. Worth it.

And honestly, when I make that effort, my husband appreciates it. He thinks I'm beautiful with or without makeup and tells me so, but it's more about the fact that I'm taking care of myself. And he encourages it. He doesn't mind when I take an evening after the baby goes to bed to paint my nails, and when we go shopping he always picks out clothes I would never choose for myself but always end up loving. I'm pretty open-minded and will try almost anything on - I do have veto power if I really hate something. :-) But I rarely do. He really has my style down better than I do! LOL

nonmember avatar me

Oh, I wish I could live in sweats. I work outside the home, so not an option. I have a family member who is always telling me how you need to dress sexy and not become THAT WOMAN. I don't know that I was ever not that woman though. I've always been jeans and t shirts and pony tails.

Bonnie Bruns Williams

Jennifer Chance Spencer, you are not alone! Your post is almost my story entirely! Hubby has job, but money is tight and I hear ya on the thrift store sizes not fitting quite right (I sew, so usually I have to make a few adjustments before they fit).  I see the same women you talk about, with the hair done, nails done, nice clothes... I wonder how they can afford all the up keep!  I know many people are wealthy enough to spend their money on such extravagnces, however I have to believe that a good chunk of those women are living beryond their means, using credit cards as if they were cash to spend (I have a few friends who do this in fact!).  I'm right there with ya, trying to get my 3 month old baby to sleep so I can take a shower and shave my legs, then my 3 year old will want to take a bath with me... I also have an 8 year old AND a 10 year old.  4 beautiful kids, I wouldn't change it for a second because I can't imagine life without them; however it isn't easy to take care of all 4 kids and the hubby when he gets home, THEN try to feel sexy - with spit up on my shoulder... I just have to remind myself that soon enough there will be more "me time", I'll "get my sexy back" and I will look back on this dificult time with relief that it's over!!  Chin up!

nonmember avatar Scott

My wife and I have been married for about 23 years and have 3 kids (well 2 are now adults). She is definitely sexier now than ever. I think a lot of that comes from her confidence which has grown with age.

Nraw2011 Nraw2011

You can do it ladies!  

ms_da... ms_danielle_j

I have gotten so much sexier since being a mother. Just the fact that i gave my body up for nine months to create a life and breastfed my baby until he was 9 month old is the ultimate act of selflessness. I can not only give and sustain life i can also balance motherhood with a career and love life :) Nothing is sexier than that!

Marjc... Marjchaos

I have given up on sexy and try for clean, neat and presentable t least a few times a week. I am that woman in Target with sweatpants, sneakers, and no makeup. Chances are I spent the whole day with twin toddlers and now that my husband is home i can run an errand, but i have seconds to get ready to leave the

house, need to get back soon, and honestly would rather take a bath. Oh, nd i m tired, frazzled and need to lose 50 lbs. Sex- ay! I am hoping to get a little sexy back by the time i am 40 when the kids are older.

KiRyhn KiRyhn

I work 40+ hours a day with all men. No one but the guard dog sees me most days. I already feel unvisable, why bother tring to look sexy, or even cute? I'm sure the pit bull I work with couldn't care less

maryo630 maryo630

No, I feel less sexy for sure! After 3 kids,ha , My body is distroyed!   I will never be sexy again ! My husband doesn't even want me sexually.  I guess i can't blame him.

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