It's all grins and giggles 'til 5-0 shows up
Well, here’s another mystery to be unraveled. How is it that I’m still knee-deep in singleness but a 53-year-old woman with a rap sheet and an outstanding warrant for identity theft has just cruised down the aisle? Hmmm. Maybe I’m wearing the wrong perfume.
It seems that Tammy Lee Hinton was on the lam for ripping off some folks in Florida but got hitched all the way up in Michigan. Before she was whisked off to the clink by police, who were acting on a tip, Little Miss Newlywed was permitted to take some pics with her new hubby before her jail house photo shoot. And, just like any blushing bride would do, she declined to take off her veil or gown for her mug shots. Way to stand up for love, Tammy.
In the grand tradition of big day excitement, I’ve compiled this list of things that probably shouldn’t happen.
But first, I’ve just got to say: If the person who tipped the cops off that Tammy Lee was going to be in town was a guest at her wedding, that is the ultimate betrayal. What you won’t do is sit up in my reception hall, snacking and smacking on food I paid $30, $50, $70 a plate for (although Tammy there doesn’t look like she’s really into shi shi fine dining, so let’s say $10 or $20) and then report me to the police as a fugitive. That’s what you will not do. Geez. Guess we need to add that to the etiquette books: don’t report the bride to the police. It’s rude.
Here are a few other no-no’s that both guests and couples are guilty of, too:
1. Bickering about your seating arrangement at the reception table
2. RSVPing for additional people even though you’ve only got a “plus one”
3. Making the food or music at your reception super specific to your tastes, beyond what anyone else would like — in that case, do us all a favor and just elope
4. Inviting more people than the reception hall will comfortably accommodate. This is a wedding, not a discotheque
5. Not acknowledging a wedding invitation at all
6. Getting totally wasted at the open bar and being “that guest” that everyone talks about in the car on the way home
7. Wearing a gown that drops so low in the back that the top of your butt crack is exposed. Save that for the honeymoon. We’re begging you
8. Sporting jeans to a wedding. Even a backyard affair warrants a pair of khakis unless the couple specifically says denim is OK
9. Coming into the ceremony late but trying to finagle a seat in the front of the venue
10. Sending invites to folks who a) couldn’t possibly come or b) you haven’t talked to in decades simply because you want a gift
11. Asking guests to wear a certain color or item — you dress yourself and let them dress themselves
12. Drinking at the reception if you know for a fact that you can’t handle your liquor. Just say no. You pass plenty of wine and spirits shops on the way home
13. Calling the bride on the morning of the wedding to ask for directions and/or other stupid questions
14. Complaining about the food, the music, the heat, the sun, the décor, or anything for that matter. Just sit there, smile, eat a free meal, and be happy for the ding dang couple for a few hours
15. Being kind enough to pack it up early if your day shapes up to look like this
16. Failing to disarm your uber sensitive car alarm during an outdoor ceremony
17. Grinding on the bride, the groom, the bride’s grandmother, the groom’s 16-year-old nephew…
18. Wearing a 75-foot train and then snapping out on guests, senior citizens, small children, clergy — anyone who accidentally steps on it
19. Failing to RSVP at all but still showing up to the wedding
20. Being a bridezilla if every single detail doesn’t go according to plan. Go with the flow, save the drama for the diary entry, and just enjoy the doggone day