The Worst First Date Horror Story Ever

29

Dating, stories

I’ve always had boyfriends, so I never really did the meet-a-guy, go-out-with-him kinda thing. But I made an exception after my daughter’s father and I finally put a toe tag on our relationship. I was eager to recover, and as the saying goes, the best way to get over one dude is to get under a new one (so to speak). So when a guy I met at a market asked me out, he seemed like a good place to start.

Keep in mind that this dude wasn’t anything close to my type. I guess I was looking for the antithesis of my ex, who is stocky, brown-skinned, and cocky. This fella was tall, lanky, and light-complexioned, but he was also thoughtful and mild-mannered. Maybe that’s what I needed, I thought. Someone good and laid back.

We talked about books and music and social issues around Baltimore, where we were at the time. He was so cool. So please explain why, when we met up for our first date proper, he had gold fangs in his mouth? I said gold. Fangs. 

You can prepare yourself for a lot of things in life, but you just never expect a 6’ 3” black man with Dracula’s dental work to be smiling across from you. My mama gave me all kinds of advice about boys but that one just never came up. I’m sure my face was canvassed in shock — really, can you blame me? — but I think I recovered nicely. He pointed to them and broke out in a grin.

“You probably wondering what these are, huh?”

I nodded my head slowly and carefully.

“I wear them sometimes to be different. It’s like a form of self-expression.”

I managed a phony smile. I knew one thing: he most definitely wasn’t getting a kiss goodnight.

Despite my instinct to turn tail and hoof it back to my car, I reasoned that he was still a nice, albeit slightly socially misdirected, guy. So we ambled to the Cheesecake Factory, I trying to ignore the glistening freakiness in his mouth, he letting his eyes fall none-too-inconspicuously on my cleavage, which he no doubt wanted to puncture like two deflating balloons. If he wasn’t going to get a kiss, he certainly wasn’t going to get close to the girls.

Once seated inside, we ordered and ate and everything went fairly smoothly, sans a few weird looks from the staff and folks at tables nearby. The conversation was thought-provoking, just like it was when I’d met him. But when our waitress didn’t get back to refresh our drinks fast enough for his liking, he stood up, cupped his hands, and hollered — like he was at a streetball game in a big ol’ park — “Ay yo! The f*ck? You coming back over here or what?”

I was so Jennie in Forest Gump because I repeated her prayer: Lord, make me a bird so I can fly, far, far away…

After the waitress scuttled to drop off our check, which he wanted to split like a cheap bastard — I mean he asked me out, for crying out loud, not to mention the rule of thumb is anyone who shows up wearing any hardware in their mouth besides braces should be the one to pay — this funky nut picked up the little cardboard teepee promoting the dessert specials and used it to loosen the debris between his teeth.

Then. He. Spit. It. On. The. Floor.

The lady at the next table looked at me real disgusted like, similar to the expression a person would have if I had walked a Doberman into the restaurant. I tried to send her the secret woman SOS eye signal, but our connection was on the fritz and she didn’t pick up on my need for backup.

By this time, I wanted to push all politeness to the side and let him know that his trifling ways belong caged up in a zoo, not roaming free on the streets of open society, but I also wanted to cause as little of a scene as possible and make it back to my hoopty in one piece. So I paid, he paid, and we left.

That’s when he tried to make his move. I felt it in the air before his hand even landed on my booty and gripped it, like it belonged to him and he was picking it up to take home. “Mmm,” he cooed. “I been wanting to do that all night.”

You know how you can tell a date went really badly? When the woman spots a cop and enlists him to take her to her car so she can make an escape.

True story.

What happened on your worst date ever?


Image via aralbalkan/Flickr

dating, dating mom, online dating, single moms

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nonmember avatar Eva

LMAO!!! You poor gal. That sounds horrible!! Gold fangs!! Sounds like he needs to find a nice girl who's in to Twilight! I guess the worst first date I ever had was when the guy wore yellow lens glasses and wanted to stop by a guitar store where he proceeded to forget me and jam for about an hour. If I had driven myself I would have left him there.

Storm... Stormywaters03

I'm not sure if I win or you win...my cousin set me up on a blind date...he wore a bandanna around his neck like he was going to rob us at any moment, randomly shouted BLOOD THUG LIFE when he wasn't checking his TracPhone and freestyled for me when the bar entertainment failed to hold his interest. And those are just a few highlights. I actually pulled out my video camera and caught the freestyle on video. He thinks it's because he was so awesome, but really I was busy half the night composing the blog I knew I'd write later. I'd post the link since I'm sure you dying to see said video, but I'm mobile.



Still...*dead* at fangs.

prplecat prplecat

On one memorable first date, I went out with what I thought was a nice country boy.  We went to a little bar out in the sticks...it was a pretty drive, at least.  We had been there just a little while when a friend of his came in.  They proceeded to get roaring drunk and kinda forgot that I was there...which was a good thing.  Because they started discussing the merits of having, um...romantic moments with their farm animals.  As in which species they preferred.  Finally, someone that I knew rolled in, and I talked my friends into getting me out of there.  Well, after totally forgetting that I existed, dude noticed that I was leaving...and CHASED US down the road in his pickup!!!


I've stayed far, far away from anyone remotely country ever since.

Zyva Zyva

Well.. I've had two. First, the guy who took me out to the most expensive restraunt around, ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, then 'forgot' his wallet in the car, and I had to call my dad to come get me, and pay for this mans dinner. 


 


Second - The one where he was taking me home after a terribly boring dinner and started to make sound effects. Seriously.. "uh.. what are you doing?".. "Oh, I'm a warlock and I am putting a protection spell on the car" . . . 

Zyva Zyva

Restaurant* I can spell. Honest. 

Retro... RetroFabuloso

That story is hilarious! I'm glad you stuck it out? What a story to tell the grandkids! My first date (the man I'm still with) was awful! Nothing to do with him, but an awful awful urchin asked us, non-smokers for a cigarette, we didn't have any and he pulled a knife on us after attacking Hornby from behind.... We ran back to his place and shook in terror for about 5 hours! Haha! Xx

Retro... RetroFabuloso

*stuck it out!* Damn my punctuation! Sorry!

cleo7... cleo77725

I can't believe you had to go to the cops I would have been scared to if he grabbed me without my permission. It is a funny story but not reality.


Lets see my worst date I worked at some apartments and I befriended a resident. He asked me out so I spent the day with him at a beach town. He tried to take me shopping but I declined. It was going well. Then we went out later that night and he got piss drunk accused me of hitting on his friends and threw two beer bottles and a shot glass at my head. His friends all conspired together and rescued me and took me home when he wasn't paying attention.It was a really freaky night. To be honest it wasn't my only one I have had several seem to be nice guys turn completely psycho. I am glad I have my husband and don't have to date because I really don't have a good psycho radar.

Allison Priest Leonard

OH MY GOSH. I would have left. Seriously, being rude to the wait staff is a HUGE turn off. Anyway, I don't have any funny stories BUT I heard a hilarious one once. This girl was on a first date and this guy took her skiing. On the way down the mountain, she had to pee really bad, so she made him stop the car. She pulled down her pants and leaned against the car to stabilize herself while she was going. When she was done, she realized her butt cheeks were frozen to the car!!! So she told the guy, and they both looked at each other, and then realized the only solution. He had to pee on her frozen butt cheeks!!! Someone said, gives new meaning to being "pissed off."


I laughed so hard at that one. They ended up getting married!

squish squish

My husband's best friend ripped a huge fart on a first date in a CAR. He told me that there was no mention of said fart, but rather he just rolled down the window. I STILL cannot believe he did that!! Poor girl!

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