So your man said it’s over. Drop-kicked your relationship into the past tense. Wheel-barreled you into singledom and dumped you right back at the starting point. Left you feeling salty, sad, and slightly stupid.
After you go through the obligatory motions that come with a destroyed love affair — waking up in the middle of the night just to cry, obsessively checking for the blinking message light on your BlackBerry, having mutual friends stake out his Facebook page for any signs of remorse — it’s time to pull it back together.
Actually, he couldn’t have done you more of a favor. The best time to get cut loose is in the summer, when shirtless cuties take up residence on the basketball court, jog through the park, and hang out in packs at outdoor events. Yep, like shooting fish in a barrel. There are plenty of other ways to rebound from a messy departure:
21. Go to karaoke night and rock out to a Pink or Alanis Morissette song.
20. Take a foreign language class. You’ll be smarter and the ability to be bilingual is sexy. Your instructor might be, too.
19. Hit the gym. No weapon of revenge is greater than a brickhouse body.
18. Commemorate the dumped date as Personal Liberation Day and treat yourself to a gift.
17. Call the ex that your former boo was always a little jealous of and flirt for 20 minutes, then end the conversation. He needn’t become a casualty of your recovery, but it’s just a little pick-you-up.
16. Make a booklet of Mad Libs about your relationship, pass it out to your girlfriends, and crack yourselves up at the hilarious stories.
15. Clean out your closet and donate items that he loved or outfits that hold special memories to charity. Then indulge in a shopping day to replace them.
14. Go to the skating rink on a Saturday night with all of the middle schoolers and couples' skate with your bestie.
13. Log on to Hotwire or Expedia, pick the first city on the list with a hot deal — even if it’s somewhere you never had a desire to go to — and book a solo mini-vacation.
12. Blog about the recovery process and find a surprising wealth of support in an online sisterhood.
11. Erase his number. The finality of the gesture might hurt, but his contact info is just clutter in your phone. Poof. Be gone.
10. Visit your favorite restaurant as a couple and create a new memory there with friends or family. Ask the chef to name something on the menu after you. Do something more special than you did there with him.
9. Call the radio station and ask them to play a song you know he absolutely hated, then dance like a wild woman to it in your living room.
8. Take a day off work and do something that you kept asking him to do with you — visit a museum, take a day trip, go antiquing in the countryside, whatever — and have a ball by your darn self. He would’ve been dead weight anyway.
7. Use your new free time to do good for someone else. Volunteer two evenings a week at a senior citizens' home or a women’s shelter.
6. Never, ever let his friends or family see you sweat. Even if you have to barf over your own phoniness afterward, slap on a glowing smile, stand up straight, and give them reason to report back to him that they bumped into you — and you looked fabulous.
5. Become a happy hour assassin. Commit to talking to two new guys every time you go. Don’t feel obligated to exchange numbers or business cards. Just a few minutes of small talk to get back into the swing of flirtatious chit chat.
4. Collect the stragglers he left at your place. Don’t sniff his sweatshirt. Don’t hold on to his toiletries. Put them in a dumpster and say deuces.
3. Organize a diva’s fashion show with your friends at your favorite store. Splurge on one thing and then wear your find out to lunch a la the Sex and the City chicks.
2. Drop off of the social media scene for a while. It’ll eliminate the temptation to say something slick or sappy or just crazy, which only drags out the melodrama. Bitterness condensed into 240-character statuses is still bitterness.
1. Start a swear jar — using his name as the swear word. Every time you mention him, obligate yourself to deposit change. His memory will get too pricey to hold on to.
What’s been your tried-and-true remedy for getting over a breakup?
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