The One Time It's Wrong to Be a Tease


couple angry womanA couple of months back, I was trying so hard to convince my boyfriend that we should ditch our current pad and move into another that had a dishwasher, a washer/dryer, and wait for it, wait for it -- a backyard DECK! Overlooking a really pretty, green backyard. Le sigh. But he wasn't sure. So I leaned on some persuasive tactics for getting my way: 1. Making a list of pros/cons, 2. Crunching numbers to prove it was a wise financial decision, 3. Giving a little presentation of aforementioned list and numbers, and 4. Saying, "Please, babe?! It'll make me SO HAPPY." while batting my eyelashes. No, just kidding -- about the batting eyelashes part. Anyway, the idea of withholding sex until he said "yes" never even crossed my mind!

But apparently, it is a tactic some ladies employ to get what they want. I'm not sure I understand, though.

You want something from your partner -- even if that's only to assert control over him -- so you deny him sex until he buckles? If you're together, because you love one another ... and you enjoy having sex with one another, it doesn't seem right. Why would you tease your guy by giving it to him freely sometimes, but using it as a weapon, withholding it as a punishment when you want to get your way? The tactic is a passive-aggressive way to express anger or frustration. It can't possibly promote a happy, healthy relationship.

Crazy enough, women in a small town in southern Colombia are currently trying to "sex starve" the men of the town in an attempt to get the government to do something about their broken-ass roads. I mean, that takes things to a WHOLE new level! (A sex strike here wouldn't get much accomplished in Washington. But maybe quitting Twitter and Facebook would prevent congressmen from having a good time via sexting?)

Anyway, it seems to me that using sex as a bargaining chip would cheapen it overall. I can imagine you do it once (say, to get your guy to stop eating dairy so you don't have to contend with his, err, "flatulence issues" as frequently), then twice (to get him to agree to book those airplane tickets to visit your family), and suddenly, he's thinking, "Oh, wow, she's givin' it up -- wait, what does that mean I have to give up??"

Yeah yeah, I've heard about sex bartering -- where you trade some kinky act for your guy's vow that he'll be taking out the trash and the recycling come the a.m. But withholding sex is different. It's holding back from doing something you want to do anyway (hopefully), and holding it over your guy's head, because you can. (All women have the power. Doesn't mean we should use it.) It's a manipulative, twisted thing to do -- to him and to yourself! Plus, even if he gives in because you're holding out on lovin', it doesn't mean the issue will be ultimately be resolved. It's still there, and so resentment might be, too. That's no good.

And hey, you know what else is no good? The fact that by withholding sex, not only is he not gonna get laid ... neither are you! But getting your mattress romp on while simultaneously making a play for your wishes outside of bed -- now, that's probably the BEST way to get what you want. Even better -- to get everything you want.

Have you or would you ever withhold sex to get what you want from your man?



Image via Brad GIllette/Flickr

love, sex, marriage


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No I havent but in my literature class I had to read "Lysistrata" by Aristaphanes and its a play about a women in Greece who organize together and withhold sex from their men in orde to end the peloponesian war.  Its pretty funny and a bit progressive for those times.

Allison Priest Leonard

I would never withhold sex from my husband. Sex should be a mutual, complete act of self-giving between husband and wife, not something the wife uses to get her way.

Payton Irwin

No! Why should I punish myself in the process?

LikeA... LikeAVirgin

I think it's a terrible idea to use sex just to get what you want. And not only that, if your man isn't getting it from you he's getting it from someone else!

redha... redhandedjyll

withholding sex is nothing more than punishment for both people. now, i tend to reward my husband for good deeds with sex- we both win then!

Women who use sex as a weapon are terrible people. then they wonder why their husbands/.SO's cheat.

Beths... Bethsunshine

Sex should not be used as a weapon, period. Women who deliberately withold sex from their husbands are acting like bratty 3 year olds who are throwing a temper tantrum because Mommy won't give them what they want. Then they have the nerve to act surprised when their husband goes somewhere else for sex.

Opal_... Opal_skye86

Well, we must all consider that this surely can't work forever, and also, just may drive a man with a high libido to cheat. This is not a useful means of getting your way, ladies; it IS a good way to wind up with a broken heart and a bad reputation (from men and women alike..).

MarieSue Max

well, usually when women are mad they dont want to have sex so withholding kinda just happens. what miserable person wants sex. even a bad day at work can ruin the mood later on.

Elizabeth Gronewald

Sex is an intimate act separate from compromise in a relationship. It should not be part of negotiating something completely unrelated to sex, or used as a means to an end. Deal with the issue at hand and keep sex pure.

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