The One Time It's Wrong to Be a Tease

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couple angry womanA couple of months back, I was trying so hard to convince my boyfriend that we should ditch our current pad and move into another that had a dishwasher, a washer/dryer, and wait for it, wait for it -- a backyard DECK! Overlooking a really pretty, green backyard. Le sigh. But he wasn't sure. So I leaned on some persuasive tactics for getting my way: 1. Making a list of pros/cons, 2. Crunching numbers to prove it was a wise financial decision, 3. Giving a little presentation of aforementioned list and numbers, and 4. Saying, "Please, babe?! It'll make me SO HAPPY." while batting my eyelashes. No, just kidding -- about the batting eyelashes part. Anyway, the idea of withholding sex until he said "yes" never even crossed my mind!

But apparently, it is a tactic some ladies employ to get what they want. I'm not sure I understand, though.

You want something from your partner -- even if that's only to assert control over him -- so you deny him sex until he buckles? If you're together, because you love one another ... and you enjoy having sex with one another, it doesn't seem right. Why would you tease your guy by giving it to him freely sometimes, but using it as a weapon, withholding it as a punishment when you want to get your way? The tactic is a passive-aggressive way to express anger or frustration. It can't possibly promote a happy, healthy relationship.

Crazy enough, women in a small town in southern Colombia are currently trying to "sex starve" the men of the town in an attempt to get the government to do something about their broken-ass roads. I mean, that takes things to a WHOLE new level! (A sex strike here wouldn't get much accomplished in Washington. But maybe quitting Twitter and Facebook would prevent congressmen from having a good time via sexting?)

Anyway, it seems to me that using sex as a bargaining chip would cheapen it overall. I can imagine you do it once (say, to get your guy to stop eating dairy so you don't have to contend with his, err, "flatulence issues" as frequently), then twice (to get him to agree to book those airplane tickets to visit your family), and suddenly, he's thinking, "Oh, wow, she's givin' it up -- wait, what does that mean I have to give up??"

Yeah yeah, I've heard about sex bartering -- where you trade some kinky act for your guy's vow that he'll be taking out the trash and the recycling come the a.m. But withholding sex is different. It's holding back from doing something you want to do anyway (hopefully), and holding it over your guy's head, because you can. (All women have the power. Doesn't mean we should use it.) It's a manipulative, twisted thing to do -- to him and to yourself! Plus, even if he gives in because you're holding out on lovin', it doesn't mean the issue will be ultimately be resolved. It's still there, and so resentment might be, too. That's no good.

And hey, you know what else is no good? The fact that by withholding sex, not only is he not gonna get laid ... neither are you! But getting your mattress romp on while simultaneously making a play for your wishes outside of bed -- now, that's probably the BEST way to get what you want. Even better -- to get everything you want.

Have you or would you ever withhold sex to get what you want from your man?

 

 

Image via Brad GIllette/Flickr

love, sex, marriage