I can’t imagine having my wardrobe destroyed. All of my beloved dresses and shirts. All of my slacks, shorts, and jeans. As much as I hate shopping for bottoms that fit my woman parts in an appealing way, that last one would hurt the most. You don’t just waltz into any ol’ store and stumble on a good fitting pair of pants. So I better not just waltz home and discover that the ones I’ve managed to find have been bleached and sliced into fabric mulch.
It happened to a gal in Atlanta a few weeks ago after her lesbian lover finally relinquished the clothes she’d been asking for from their one-time shared apartment. Turning more than $2,000 worth of gear into scarecrow stuffing ended up getting Sally Scissorhands arrested. Oh geez.
Revenge makes for good stories (and blog posts!), but have you ever regretted doing something to "get back" at your soured honey?
C’mon. You can share. Because let me be the first to say that I’m not passing judgment or looking down from on high at a person who takes the vengeful route. I’ve been known to pull a spiteful move if I think somebody’s trying to play me. I’ve just never gone the destroy-physical-property-and-run-the-risk-of-being-arrested route, mainly because I admit: I’m terrified of going to jail. Even for a few hours. Even for the adrenaline rush of getting revenge on a dirty rat bastard, if I had one I wanted to get payback on.
Heck, as broke as everybody in my inner circle is, Lord only knows how long it would take them to wrangle up some bail money. So no thank you very much. I’ll stay on the right side of the law if you don’t mind.
That doesn’t mean I don’t respect other women when they take matters into their own hands and get creative with their random acts of revenge.
Back at my old apartment in the heart of the ‘hood, where vigilante justice reigns supreme and folks pull Jerry Springer-like antics on the daily, I watched a woman get out of her truck — in broad daylight, now — and break every single window in some blissfully unsuspecting man’s Ford Explorer. My girl even busted out his side view mirrors. I mean, she was thorough with her vandalism. Then she daintily placed a note under his windshield wiper and went back to work or school or the mall or wherever you go after you maul the glass in somebody’s vehicle in the middle of the afternoon.
Of course, I forgot I hadn’t checked my mailbox yet that day and suddenly felt compelled to go have a looksee right at that very moment. I just so happened to pass the victimized vehicle on my way. The note, scrawled in black Sharpie letters, said, “I know you f—ed her. Now I’m f—ing you.”
Dayum. Dayyyyyuuuuummmm. I like her style. I wasn’t around when he came out of the house — I’m surprised I couldn’t hear his screams from anywhere in the 10-mile radius of Washington, D.C. — but I’m sure that’s a message he’ll remember for a mighty long time. I hope the extracurricular lovin’ was worth it, but I’m pretty sure in retrospect, he’d say it wasn’t.
Now there are times when revenge goes way over the top. I’m sure by now y’all have heard about the dude who took out a billboard to accuse his ex-girlfriend of aborting their unborn baby? I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of mean-spiritedness that goes into making that decision. Even though all’s supposed to be fair in love and war, that was hitting way below the belt, especially considering the woman he’s accusing maintains that the loss of their baby was because of a miscarriage, not a willful ending of the pregnancy. Now wouldn’t he qualify to be called and considered a certified ass if he was completely off the mark?
If vengefulness could be rated in spices, like salsa or Chipotle seasonings, mine would be mild with the potential to kick it up into a medium. I don’t even have a really juicy story about playing get-back and I’m slightly disappointed in myself. Still, I believe if you intentionally cross someone, you have to realize that you’re setting yourself up for, say, a busted windshield or a sliced up stack of clothing. That doesn’t make it the mature way to handle the situation. But sometimes, in the heat of an emotional overload, ration takes a backseat to revenge.
So just don’t do whatever it is that might get you caught up on the wrong side of the acting out and you should be a-OK, hmm?
What’s the biggest stunt you’ve ever pulled to get revenge?
Image via stevendepolo/Flickr