The Real Reason We Fake Orgasms


Ladies, I am mad at you. I'm mad at us. We have to overcome something in order to ... come. Yes, I'm talking about orgasm and faking it and why we do it. WHY? Well, it seems we have a fear of intimacy. Yes, women. We say men have a fear of intimacy all the time, don't we? But it's our issue, too.

Here is the scoop: Temple University's Erin Cooper recently presented her findings of why women fake orgasm citing this intimacy issue we have. She spoke with 366 women between the ages of 18 and 32 and discovered that 60 percent had at one time or another faked their own la petite mort. Intimacy issues was the main reason and the other biggie was that some weren't sure they could have a big O in the first place. So we're fearing love then fearing we can't climax. Too much fear!

Let's look at the biggest problem here -- a women who fakes an orgasm, multiple times with the same partner, is doing a disservice to both parties involved, but especially themselves! With the exception of a minority of fakers who do it to enhance their own sexual pleasure. 

Let's be honest. There are lots of great reasons to have orgasms, but an orgasm isn't necessary to have great sex. Let me be even more honest, back in the day, sometime after 18, but before 32, I faked an orgasm or two myself. And when I think of my reasons why, some are mentioned above, but there are other reasons too. So why did I, or any of us, fake orgasm? 

I can speak for myself. First, I've faked an orgasm so my partner would stop asking. When my partner continuously quizzed "have you come yet? have you come yet?" there seemed no better way to move on to the next topic than to say yes! yes! yes! After faking it, we could have enjoyable sex without him feeling like he had to check something off of his list of things to do before he died. Instead of answering yes now, I say no, it can take me a long time to orgasm, and if it doesn't happen that's okay, too. 

Secondly, I wasn't sure if I had an orgasm, so it's better to act like I did. At least my first few years of sex. The truth is, once I had my first orgasm (at the age of 21) I knew then what I know now. You know when you have an orgasm. I hope now that my first boyfriend figured out how to tell if a woman came. I don't think I helped him learn much.

Lastly, sometimes time is of the essence, and since it can take women way longer to climax, time isn't always on our side. While this seems like a logical reason to fake one, and a reason I've used before, I'd rather now help him finish than pretend to be done. 

Some guys may prefer we fake it so that he feels less guilt around not doing his "manly deed," but I believe we need to stop making our partner feel it's his job, and make it our task at hand. I don't always have an orgasm during partnered sex, and I rarely have one if he ignores my clitoris, but still, I'd rather my partner know that, and educate him on the fact that most women don't orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, before I leave him to believe I came, he saw and we both conquered. 

Orgasms are great, but I don't need one to have a great time. That's what I prefer to say to my partner these days. It works better for both of us.

And you? Do you fake it? Why or why not? 

Image via Plindberg/Flickr

sex, lying, sex secret


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

bills... billsfan1104

I did it, because I was bored or wanted him to hurry up.

jonellg jonellg

I don't fake it. Mine are always real, I guess I'm lucky that way.

cmari... cmarie452

I think it's your partner's job to ensure that you finish just as it's your job to do the same.  Why is ok that you don't finish but you feel it's your place to help him get off?  You're supposed to help each other get off.  Sex should not be a one-way street.

Zamaria Zamaria

I've faked it. Usually because I want it to get over with. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but sometimes I'm just not really in the mood. I have also faked because I don't want to hear the whole "I can't satisfy you anymore" crap.

Nraw2011 Nraw2011

I've never faked it and I never will.  Here's a new flash, men want you to tell them what you want.  They want to know how to please you and to know what feels good to you.  

To the ladies who say they do it because they weren't in the mood, why did you agree to have sex if you didn't want too?  Sometimes one of us is in the mood when the other isn't and we just cuddle up and go to sleep.  Sometimes that puts both of us in the mood and we end up doing it sometimes it doesn't.  What's wrong with saying no if you aren't feeling it?  And when you do that doesn't it kind of make sex a chore?  

Nraw2011 Nraw2011

@ Jamye -  "Instead of answering yes now, I say no, it can take me a long time to orgasm, and if it doesn't happen that's okay, too."  

I agree with this.  The majority of woman don't orgasm very time they have sex.  I think tv has made some guys believe that it's supposed to happen every single time.  The result of that is that they get up there banging away at their partner so focused on getting you to orgasm you could probably get up and get a snack and they wouldn't notice.  In intimate relationships it's better to be honest I think.  


Zamaria Zamaria

I don't say no when I'm not in the mood because I'm almost never in the mood at first! (hormone issues). That's not really fair to hubby, and most times after we start to get into it, I get in the mood really quick. But the times that I don't, I'm not just going to stop mid-stroke and say sorry hun, it ain't gonna happen! That would be sooooo messed up! I'd be really mad if he did that to me. Why should I do that to him?

jaxmadre jaxmadre

I don't fake it. He'll know if it happens. I don't think I could fake it -- it feels completely different inside.
And I'm happy if I'm having sex with him whether or not I'm orgasming. Orgasm's great, but I don't need it to enjoy that time with my partner.

nonmember avatar Trevor

I'm a man and it amuses me that women think they have it all figured out! Fake an Orgasm is like lying about the Olympics. No one cares if you fake it but every man will bow down if you didn’t. Men can tell, unless they don’t care, if you have an orgasm, even a small one. It's not your moaning but your body's language. Thank God NRAW2011 has a brain. Pleasure is not a job like CMARIE452 preaches (that's reserved for Prostitution so if your date pulls out his wallet after sex, you'll know you did your job well). If your man is asking you or talking to you during sex, it's because he is smart enough to know that only you know when it feels good. Otherwise, he is only there for a quick cardio work-out before going to sleep.

Enjoy the company, explore all the possibilities, and stay receptive to each other. Otherwise, it doesn't matter if one or no one reaches orgasm. But don’t lie to yourself or each other.

Funerary Funerary

@Nonmember/Trevor; Riiiight. "Men can tell." Men can't tell shit! What "body language" is there for observance? Quicker breathing, rising of the chest, shortness of breath? A fat kid pretending to his coach that he ran the full lap in gym class... can fake panting.

1-10 of 18 comments 12 Last