Good Sex Gone Bad Will Bring Your Relationship Down

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bad sexIn recent celebrity breakups, it seems like "we didn't have sex anymore" has become the new "irreconcilable differences." Maybe before now, those irreconcilable differences actually had to do with sex, but now everyone's explaining? Either way, we've been getting all the details on how ex-star couples Jesse James and Sandra Bullock, Camille and Kelsey Grammer, Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight, etc. weren't on the same page sexually. That seems to be the go-to excuse for why their relationships disintegrated.

But it's not necessarily fair to say that the state of their sex lives (or lack thereof) was the exclusive cause of their washed-up unions. Obviously, there were many relationship problems to begin with, and the sex issue was just an indication/extension of that. 

But I do believe that bad sex does factor in big time to the downfall of many -- if not most -- relationships.

My friend/doctor/mentor, Dr. Lissa Rankin, once told me something her mom once told her:

When I was 23 and about to get married, my mother, who probably thought I was still a virgin (ha!), gave me a Playboy how-to video and this one piece of wisdom, based on her successful, happy, sexy marriage to my father: "When your sex life is good, it only accounts for about 10 percent of your marriage. When it's bad, it's 90 percent. Do what it takes to make it good."

This advice really resonated with me, and I find it applicable to all this finger-pointing going on in Hollywood relationships. I'm not saying that bad sex, counting for 90 percent of a marriage or relationship, by any means justifies cheating. But I could understand why bad sex might weigh so heavily on two people in a relationship. It's a challenge, a major obstacle, a significant undertaking to overcome, and both partners need to exert time, energy, patience, compassion, and dedication to "making it good" again. 

Some people aren't willing or able to put in any of that -- or all of that -- to "just" fix the sex. Maybe it's because they don't believe the sex counts for as much as that 90 percent when it's bad. They hope all the "other stuff" -- friendship, partnership, being parents together, the longevity of the relationship, etc. -- is enough to carry them through. Of course those things matter and we need them for our relationships to survive. But I'm pretty sure they're not enough to carry our relationships through.

Because without sex -- especially without good sex -- everything else gets kinda crumbly and maybe even stale, like cookies made without eggs. And that said, if you really love your partner, you'll probably want to "do what it takes" to see eye-to-eye in bed. It's your best bet at ensuring your bond (like those cookies) doesn't fall apart.

Do you agree that sex counts for 90 percent of a relationship when it's bad?

 

Image via Chris Chan/Flickr

sex, sex drive, marriage, divorce, breakups