Lesson 17: Maids. Not Murders.

Jenny Lawson
Love & Sex

Recent studies have shown that women who have a maid or nanny live an average of 11 years longer than those who don’t. Typically, these same women have lower stress levels and are significantly less likely to poison their partners (who have been shown to lose their hair at a slower rate, and who also have a much more exciting sex life).

This study comes on the heels of another recent poll that showed that women are not your damn slaves and that maybe you could pick up your own damn socks yourself for once. My husband says I should point out that I made up these studies myself, but that doesn’t make them any less accurate. He says, “Yes, actually, it does.” 

It’s like he’s asking to be stabbed.

Honestly though, if you’re struggling in your marriage, one of the best things you can do is to hire some domestic help. They help around the house and they make great witnesses. Your husband isn’t going to tell you that you look fat in front of the nanny, and your wife isn’t going to intentionally set fire to your shirts in the oven in front of her either. So you both win. But if you’re anything like me, you can’t actually afford domestic help, so instead you should just make a secret pact with a neighbor who has the exact same problem, and then pretend to be each other’s maids. That way it’s free and you still feel like you’re rich. 

Besides, it’s basically the same as cleaning your own house, except that you just unexpectedly show up to do each other’s laundry. Which is actually more fun than doing your own laundry anyway, because if you’re the same size, you can totally swap clothes. So you’re getting a maid and new clothes. Plus, your husband will overhear it whenever your “maid” walks in and loudly asks you, “Is that a new haircut? Is it for your anniversary? Have you lost weight?” and then your husband will be like, “Damn. I DIDN’T NOTICE/REMEMBER ANY OF THAT.” And technically neither did your fake maid. That’s why you need to text her beforehand to tell her exactly what to say. This might sound manipulative and that’s because it is. But it’s also how you’re going to keep from stabbing your husband, so technically it’s like he owes you. Plus, he’ll be less likely to murder you as well, because he won’t know when the maid might show up to find him dismembering you, so you’re saving him from prison, while also saving yourself from ending up in the trunk of his car. See. You’ve only had a fake maid for a week and you’re multi-tasking already.

Also, if you forget to tell your husband something and he’s pissed off, you can be like, “Of course I told you that you needed to pay the phone bill last week. I said it right in front of Janie, remember?” and Janie will totally back you up (just as your phones get reconnected). And if you really fuck up and lose your wedding ring or something, you can just blame it on “the maid” and fire her for stealing it, and that way you totally can’t be blamed. Just be sure to have another friend standing in for back-up, because if you’re as irresponsible as I am, you are going to be firing a LOT of fake maids. I suggest organizing a list of fake-maid standbys during your next large mommy-and-me playdate. 

Honestly, it’s about time those things finally came in handy.

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