I’ve never pursued a relationship with a guy because of his career. They’ve certainly tossed around fancy job titles and flashed the accoutrements of wealth purchased because of their swanky positions, and I guess that was supposed to impress me.
But it never worked. In fact, I only remember being wowed one time and that was by the watch this dude was waving around as he gestured for my number. That thing had more diamonds than I have strands of hair and they were sparkling under the summer sun. I was mesmerized.
But I still didn’t give him my number.
Yes indeedy, it would have been nice if some of the has-beens on my resume, from guys I flirted heavy with to the dreaded daughter’s father, would’ve had careers that somehow came in handy. So I compiled this list, a little collective of professionals that — should I ever find myself single again — I can sniff out as a resource to find potential dates. A gal can use all the help she can get.
- Financial planner. He’s always looking toward the future. You can’t help but make plans to grow old with him.
- Airline ticket agent. Fly the friendly skies for free.
- Bruno Mars' road manager. Uhhh, I just really like that little dude.
- Plumber. Actually any home repairman who charges on an hourly basis. I say make love, not bills.
- Defense attorney. In case something goes wrong.
- Bailbondsman. In case something goes really wrong.
- Judge. In case something goes really, really wrong.
- Animator. Cartoons these days suck. I have some ideas to make them better. I just need someone who can put this childish vision into action.
- Ticketmaster agent. Those fees add up quick. Tickets are like $30 but handling charges rack up to like another 20 bucks! A loverboy discount? Don’t mind if I do.
- H&M/Macy’s/Marshall’s/Foot Locker cashier. ‘Nuff said.
- Mechanic. The kind of sexy pillow talk I only dream of: hey babe, my car makes a scrapey, screechy, whirring, cranky noise when I accelerate. Can you take a look?
- Chef. Three words: pan-seared scallops. One more word: mmmm.
- Locksmith. Save $45 a year because there’s no need for AAA.
- Accountant. Because balancing a checking account can be too tedious for one person to do alone.
- Cop. Who doesn’t want to live above the law? Or at least with it.
- Wal-Mart associate. Low prices can always get lower, you know what I mean?
- Exterminator. They cost so doggone much, you might as well date him.
- Massage therapist. You don’t keep him around because he sings pretty, that’s for sure.
- Benchwarming professional athlete. He still brings home a sweet salary and the thicket of groupies isn’t as ... thick.
- Security guard at Tiffany’s. Who’ll ever know that he lets you and your friends sneak in after-hours and play dress-up for a little bit.
- Handyman. Besides the obvious sexual innuendo, he really can fix anything around the house.
- Martial arts instructor. It’s always nice to threaten that your boyfriend can beat someone’s behind and actually know that he can.
- Teacher. After a hard day, who feels like helping kids with their algebraic equations or multiplication tables? At least that’s his job.
- IRS official. That’s right, baby. Make the pain go away. April 15 is just another day whenever you’re around.
- Politician. Sure, he may have visible difficulty not screwing his interns—or, apparently, his housekeeper—but at least he has the power to pull some strings in between pulling his foot out his mouth.
What are some other jobs that come in handy to a woman about the world?
Image via philcampbell/Flickr