10 Things to Say Instead of 'Making Love'

Sasha Brown-Worsham

As Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver come to terms with the fallout from the revelation that he fathered a "love child" out of wedlock with a member of his household staff, the rest of us are being forced to come to terms with that term in general: "love child." It kind of makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little.

To me, "love child" implies love. I know, I am such a purist. Silly, silly me. When I see the word "love," I think of, well, love. Who doesn't? And nothing says love like the woman you step out on your wife and family for and the child you both hide for a decade. Am I right or am I right?

Actually, love child is just one of many hives-inducing ways to discuss sex that kind of make me want to hurl. For instance, do you say "making love"? Or call the person with whom you "make love" your "lover"?

If so, ew. Here are 10 alternatives you may want to consider:

  1. Sex: Wow. Call it what it is. I know, it's a revolutionary concept, but I can say without a doubt that I adore my husband, we've been together a decade, and we still manage to have great sex that we call sex.
  2. Boffing: It's cute and funny and it doesn't require a long gray ponytail and Birkenstocks worn with socks in order to say!
  3. Screw: Sorry to get dirty (it could be worse), but this is a fun and kind of hot way to get in the mood.
  4. Boink: This one kind of invokes all the fun of sex, am I right? Like you expect to start jumping on the bed together and have some slushies afterwards.
  5. Bang: This is pretty much what it is. It's banging. And it's fun.
  6. Bump uglies: OK, I'm kidding. This one is as bad as making love.
  7. Do it: Simple and to the point. No one will ever question what "it" is.
  8. Get it on: This one conjures Marvin Gaye and what could be sexier than that? It's sweet and flirty, not too dirty, and not nearly as skin-crawly.
  9. Horizontal mambo: Laughing is a key part of good sex and this? Makes you laugh.
  10. Shag: This was a favorite of Austin Powers and really needs to take off more here. It's fun and flirty and cute without being dirty.

So, here you go. Ten ways to ask your "LOVER" to "MAKE LOVE" without making him vomit in the process.

Do you hate "make love" too?


Image via Joelk75/Flickr

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