You don’t need to survey five or six of your girlfriends for their honest opinions. You don’t need to interview the mechanic putting in the new fan belt or give your hairdresser something else to gossip about once you lift off of her chair.
In fact, you don’t need to do anything else but let your own underworked intuition tell you what you already know but really don’t want to accept: it’s time to leave him alone. Move on. Dude is dead weight, a speed bump, a bigger waste of time than a Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon.
There are always signs, indicators that it's time to give up the ghost and get out of relationship dodge. Here are three, in no particular order, that should confirm — along with other glaring slacker signals — that it’s time to cut a dead-end guy. And yep, I am an authority.
1) He pulls the fade-out. An age-old, tried-and-tested technique, fellas pull this one out of their man bag of tricks rather than subject themselves to a face-to-face confrontation that may include tears, flying objects, or (shudder) tough questions.
Remember those marathon conversations y’all used to have through the night, giggling and sniggling and flirting your way into Verizon’s most valued customer-dom? That’s part of that beginning-of-the-relationship cuteness package and it, like his other little expressions of infatuation, fades over time. That’s to be expected.
But when his phone call frequency drops from a daily to three times a week or less, there’s cause for concern that his interests are drifting elsewhere. Barring his enrollment in the Witness Protection Program or his military deployment to Uzbekistan, there isn’t a reason why a dude can’t make a quick, 10-minute phone call to let the woman he’s diggin’ on know that she’s on his mind. So if he doesn’t, then maybe she isn’t.
2) He turns down the nookie. You paraded in front of him in hot pants, bent over from all kinds of angles, and slathered on more oil than a bodybuilder on a beach retreat, and he hasn’t so much as twitched. A typically horny dude rarely ignores the opportunity to smash — if a chick is throwing it, he’s most likely going to catch it.
So it stands to reason if your man could care less about knocking out at least three of Cosmo’s Sex Positions of the Day or if he literally just goes through the motions while he’s doing them, it’s definitely time to hand out a pink slip. Between technological advances and a fresh set of AAA batteries, you could be just as satisfied and a lot less confused.
3) All of the sudden, he’s got jokes. Personal ones. Your little tummy used to be the extra cushion he loved to snuggle up against and hold on to. Now he calls it a gut and suggests you may want to skip the line at Chipotle to head over to Saladworks.
Aside from the fact that anybody with enough flaws to provide fodder for a 20-minute stand-up routine should be casting stones at someone else’s shortcomings, a man who starts taking little jabs at his woman has clearly become either 1) suicidal or 2) completely and totally uncaring about hurting her feelings. A partner is supposed to support and encourage, not beat down and belittle. When snide remarks and unconstructive criticism become part of his interaction with you, then it’s time to hit the bricks. (Note that I didn’t say hit him with a brick. I didn’t say I don’t condone it either, I just didn’t say it ...)
In closing, men are creatures of habit. Analyze any changes that have happened during the time that you’ve felt like your relationship started becoming different. If he has a calendar packed with activities and they increasingly don’t include you, if he starts talking in terms of “I” and not “we” like there ain’t no “you” in his future, if he stops hugging and kissing you when he greets you or says goodbye, he ain’t doing you any favors by staying on your payroll.
Cut your losses, gather up your wisdom, and thank goodness we’re sliding right into warm weather and that season where hot guys aplenty jog and play basketball with no shirts and no wedding bands.
What are some signals that tipped you off in the past that your love affair was over?
Image via sweethaa/Flickr