Aside from finding a really good sale on the Nordstrom clearance rack, no other experience compares to the euphoria of falling in love. It’s rainbows and pink ponies and sunbeams. It’s marathon phone conversations at night and cuddly time with your [insert stupid pet name here].
Love is, in one sweeping definition, everything that’s good in us put out on display for another person to enjoy.
But then you find out he ain’t nearly as charming or smart as you thought he was. Or that he can’t hold down a job and hasn’t paid taxes in 12 years. Or that he’s an egomaniacal donkey’s behind who masturbates to his own pictures. Or he’s a cheating twerp who can’t keep his hands — or his tongue — to himself. And that, dear friends, is when the proverbial ish hits the fan.
Along with the obligatory dramatics that go along with a breakup — the back and forth of petty phone calls, the subsequent squabbling, the returning of every single gift ever exchanged between the two of you — there’s the messy matter of letting go an individual who had been a major part of your everyday life. So often it requires one, two, maybe even three, four, or five attempts before the severance really takes. For whatever reason, ranging from the need for companionship to so-good-I-almost-forgot-my-first-name sex, ladies can’t seem to break ties with a relationship they know in their hearts has run its course.
In the romantic world, it’s called the backslide. In the real world, it’s called a bad decision. And, any way you slice it, it’s a waste of your time.
You already know he sucks and if you stick around to reinvent him into something awesome, chances are pretty good he’ll do an about-face and use his new coolness to woo another chick. Seen that happen more times than I can remember. Oh, now he knows how to dress well? Oh, now he knows how to be a gentleman? Heck, I taught my ex how to drive. Guess how he and his first post-Janelle date got around on their first night out together? Let’s just say it wasn’t a horse and carriage or a ride on the subway.
So here are three ways to keep it moving:
1. Pretend his number doesn’t exist. I’m serious. It needs to be immediately erased from every caller ID, deleted from every call log, and swiped from every phone. With technology doing memorization for us, you may not have it stamped on your brain anyway. If you do, you’re going to need an extra set of cojones to be able to resist the urge to call and ask stupid questions you really don’t want the answer to, like “do you miss me?” or “why couldn’t we make it work?” or even worse, “are you seeing somebody else?” Those are a set-up to get your feelings hurt and probably piss you off. Just erase the number to avoid the temptation to ask.
2. Ex sex is a trap. Don’t fall for it. It may seem almost ridiculous not to call your break-in-case-of-emergency former flame to hit you off when those hormones are raging and your body needs tightened and you’ve been watching a lot of smut in your alone time. But don’t do it, I’m beggin’ ya. Either you’ll spend time together and wonder for a floundering moment why you broke up in the first place when you’re still all hepped up from your post-nookie high or the rendezvous will suck (meaning love was making the sex better than it actually ever was) and you’ll be ticked that you wasted the condom and the time. For your own peace of mind and body, it’s best to leave that penis in the past tense.
3. Make yourself be fabulous. Nothing screams revenge like bumping into one of your exes’ friends — or the nasty jackal himself — when you’re looking completely and totally hot. Hair done, eyebrows arched, nails flawless, boobs on deck, outfit cute, makeup on. Keep yourself looking runway-ready, even if you feel like the bottom of someone’s shoe after a walk through the doggie park. Don’t let him see how hard the breakup is affecting you because that gives him the power and boosts his little stupid man pride. And you’re off-duty now when it comes to stroking his ego or any of his other parts. Throw on some sweats and sob into a carton of rum raisin if you need to when you get home, but make like Beyonce when you’re out in the streets.
So ... what are your tried-and-true tips for getting over a bad relationship quick, fast, and in a hurry?
Image via Unlisted Sightings/Flickr