The world of romance has its eyes on England this week. But why should the blue-bloods have all the fun? It's as good a week as any for old-fashioned, democratic ugly-bumping. Let Ask Dad be your George Washington, and lead your love revolution:
Dear Ask Dad, is there ever a time when a man really, truly doesn't want to have sex?
You're right to believe it's uncommon -- as rare as non-white people at the royal wedding. Even times when you might expect a man wouldn't want it -- he's exhausted from work, he's got a nasty cold -- he'll totally do it anyway. This gets at a theory I've expressed here before: Men tend to use sex in order to feel good, like drugs, where women tend to use it to celebrate when they're already feeling good, like champagne.
But it gets even more tricky with men, who are every bit as complicated as the ladies, despite having simpler parts. As renowned relationship expert Louis CK says, we can have sex not only when we don't like you -- everybody knows that -- but even if we don't want to.
Just a quick rub of the hand, and a quick tap into the mental library, and we're good to go. (Louis says it doesn't matter if it's a donkey with a rusty keyhole glued to its butt. I'd draw the line somewhere before that.) Contrary to popular belief, a dude can totally fake an orgasm, especially when there's a condom involved. It's rare, but it happens, and for the same reason as it happens with the ladies. A desire to get it over with, and to spare your feelings. Men are sucky actors and liars, but they can do it in situations where no one would expect them to be lying. So even if he goes for it and does you, he may not have felt like it in the first place.
Here are some times when he may not be really feeling it:
- Period Time: Some men just don't want to part the Red Sea, and they'd rather not think of your vag as though it were the elevator from The Shining. Many others of us think these men are silly, but they do exist, and if you get one, be wary. Chances are he'll be a nightmare in the delivery room come baby time.
- Super Bowl Sunday: If you've got yourself a nice, sports-hating hipster or professor, you're fine on this one. But if your man is any part jock, chances are he couldn't bear to be away from the big party. The next Super Bowl is a long way off, but I challenge you ladies to start reaching into his pants while the game's on, and see what happens. I had the worst situation with a former girlfriend. I was a hipster type on the outside, but had a serious jock streak on the inside, and I promised her I'd always do it with her over watching the Super Bowl. I got nervous every January, but she never tested me. However, if you've got a man who won't sleep with you because some regular season game is on, on some average Sunday in October, he's an idiot.
- When He's Got a Big Fight Coming Up: The old wives' tale that boxers shouldn't take a dive in the kiddy pool in the week or so leading up to a big fight is still widely believed. So if you happen to be married to Oscar de la Hoya or Manny Pacquiao, you may be out of luck in your room at the MGM Las Vegas on the night before fight night.
- When Your Parents Are Nearby: Nearly every man was spanking it with nothing but a thin wall between himself and his mother and father since he was 12, so being at his parents' house or having them over to visit probably won't be a hindrance. But if he's worried that your parents -- especially your scary dad -- are in earshot, he could go limp-as-ramen.
- When the Wrong Pet Is in the Room: Cats can scratch things. In fact, some cats, who maybe are angry that a man has come over and invaded the space she shared with her lady, may even wait for the perfect naked moment to take a big swipe at that vulnerable man. And the man may be permanently scarred and frightened. But even more scarring and frightening is this fact: Dogs can lick things. I'm not going to say any more about that.
Image via Flickr.com/ColinDavis