Women-Ogling Men Need to Learn the 3-Minute Rule

Janelle Harris

Girl watching

Watching guys when they don’t realize they’re being watched is always like being in the golf cart on some sort of wild safari ride. You get to see the animals in their natural habitat, acting on primal instincts. It’s really quite fascinating (said in my National Geographic narrator voice).

Such was the case last week when I was stuck walking behind this tall, lanky doofus and his short and portly sidekick in the subway station. While I was busy trying to speed around their leisurely stroll, a cute gal with blonde hair and a shapely figure strutted past in the opposite direction.

He stopped. He stared. He all but drooled onto the lapel of his too-tight jacket. He made a comment to his friend, and they watched her sashay down the corridor until she disappeared. Meanwhile, his wedding band was just a-gleamin’ and I wondered to myself: What would his wife think if she saw him checking out another chick that hard?

From what I hear, it’s unrealistic to expect fellas not to indulge in their favorite pastime of woman watching, even if they’ve said ‘I do,’ even if they said it and meant it, even if they have a hot, leggy, pouty-mouthed model waiting for them at home, even if they have nightly rounds of the most unbelievable sex any red-blooded man could ever hope to have. There are other fish in the sea and even though he’s turned in his bait and hook, he still likes to ooh and ahh over the exotic catches at the aquarium, you know what I’m sayin’?

Women, of course, are groomed to look past it and accept that as standard male behavior from pretty early on. We’re pelted with little pearls of wisdom like ‘oh, he’s just being a guy’ or ‘it doesn’t matter if he looks, so long as he comes home to you at night,’ age-old adages dusted off to keep us from getting too upset if we should catch a date or boyfriend oogling another chick. It’s a break-in-case-of-emergency excuse that buffers the possibility of getting caught staring down a random booty or rack when they think the ol’ ball and chain isn’t looking.

Now, glancing is one thing. I mean, a quick glimpse to appreciate the physical beauty of a fine, young thing that strolls by doesn’t do anyone any harm — unless a man gets caught staring said specimen down for the better part of his wife or girlfriend’s entire last three minutes of conversation.

My boyfriend swears he has a system, a patented method for being able to look without being overtly offensive to me. I don’t know how long he’s been implementing it, but I’ve got to say that it works. Never once have I caught him looking longingly at another mamacita on the street. I guess that goes without saying since he’s here, he’s healthy, and all of his man parts are still attached and in tact.

I’m certainly no Halle Berry, but I catch dudes checking me out often — with their girlfriends/wives/jumpoffs/significant others by their sides. And I think three things: first I mentally frown, “dummy, are you crazy!?” then I shoot a telepathic message to her like, “girl, get your man! Turn around! Look at this fool making goo goo eyes at another woman right in your face,” and then I shoot back to him with “you wouldn’t stand a chance with me anyway, you dusty, rusty, disrespectful sucka.” The Boyfriend may have a tried-and-true way to peep the opposite sex, but he would do his gender good to teach some lessons. At least an online course.

There are all kinds of eye candy floating around that fit everybody’s flavor. And though I don’t see cute guys to check out nearly as often as I spot fly girls worthy of being admired, I’ve been known to give off an impressed glance every now and then myself.

But when a dude looks like the doggone wolf in an old school Warner Bros. cartoon whose tongue unfurls and heart pounds out of his chest whenever he sees a hot mama on the stroll, he needs to either rethink his participation in a committed relationship or sign himself up for some couch time posthaste. Because oogling is rude. Oogling causes trouble. Oogling is an undermining of the beautiful woman he already has in his life. And most of all, oogling will get his butt knocked the eff out if he gets caught.  

Do you mind when your man checks out other women? Where’s the line between an admiring glance and a full-out stare?


Image via Alaskan Dude/Flickr

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