bree olsenSpring has sprung, and love is in the air! Or at least the cheap stream of texts and pokes that tries to pass as love these days. Ask Dad wants to help you make it all feel real. What's keeping you from getting into the season of love?

Charlie Sheen has me curious -- are porn stars really better in bed?

This is a very serious question, requiring very serious consideration. So, I did some research. Then more research. Then more research -- more research -- MORE research -- more RESEARCH -- MORE RESEARCH!!!! ... Then I was sick of doing research. But after a while, I felt the need to do more research -- MORE ... OK, you get the point. Let's just say, Ask Dad is now a preeminent authority on the topic.

I'm going to give you as straight an answer as I can. (Why wouldn't I give you a straight answer? My research was all totally straight and not-at-all bi-curious.):

Yes, they probably are better in bed. But I'd advise most men against going there, and I probably wouldn't do it if I had the chance. And was sober.

I don't subscribe to the sexist notion that I've heard many times from men: When it comes to sex, women are like pizza, as long as they're there, it's fine. I think bad sex with a good-looking woman is not only common, it's worse than no sex at all. A big part of whether a lady is good or not comes from her skills -- and by "skills," I just mean enthusiasm and willingness to experiment. This is where porn stars shine. Or are really good at faking it. Unfortunately, every good quality that porn stars have comes with some big, hard raging exception.

Let's look at the upsides and downsides -- from a man's perspective -- on getting with a porn star.

Upside: She'll have a gag reflex that's really hard to trigger. I'm not just talking about oral sex, though, given the primacy of the BJ these days, for most people that's a big plus. I mean, she's very unlikely to gag at the sight of your pasty pot belly and oddly crooked junk. Most stars will have made enough movies with gnarly old men (Greedy Grandpas 3-D, for example) that they will be unfazed by your flaws.

Downside: It'll be impossible to know how she really feels about you, since she's probably given off all the same grunts, moans, and cheers to a fat guy in a clown mask, or a guy who would look better if he were wearing a clown mask.

Upside: She can probably get into some really crazy positions.

Downside: You probably can't, and you're likely to hurt yourself trying.

Upside: She'll probably be relieved at your modest penis size given the pythons she usually has pounding her.

Downside: There's not a man alive that would take the slightest comfort in the above statement.

Upside: You can put just about anything you want into just about any opening you want. Chances are she's done it already.

Downside: You can put just about anything you want into just about any opening you want. Chances are she's done it already. Ew.

Upside: You can watch her movies, and see what she's game to do!

Downside: If there's something she'll do in her movies with three burly guys at once, but won't do at home with you, you'll probably be pissed and bitter.

Upside: Hotness. When I was a young man, you might find genuinely pretty ladies in Playboy or Penthouse or "Skinemax" TV, but the women in real porn looked -- at best -- like your friend's chain-smoking, semi-hot mom. But now men can find shockingly attractive women doing shocking things. This is mostly thanks to the wider acceptance of porn in our culture, and the willingness of some women to get into it. For better or worse.

Downside: Lack of hotness. They're better-looking than in the past, but there is still a certain "porniness" to their appearance. You'd better be into some heavy makeup, implants, and anal bleaching (don't ask, I never have, the name was enough).

Bottom-line? Porn stars are probably way better in bed, but is it really worth all the downsides? Of course, if you do find yourself in a months-long bender in a hotel room at 4 a.m. snorting blow with rolled-up hundred-dollar bills and are looking for some action, then by all means, give your porn star friend a call.


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