What do you get when you combine eight hours of drinking, Maria Topp, and Martin Douglas? You get a trip to the Emergency Room at 4 a.m. and a detached ball sack. Ouch.
The couple, in their mid-40s, had gone out for a night on the town, but things got a little out of hand once they returned home in the wee hours. It's that point in the night when I order tacos and fall asleep in my contacts, but Maria is no slob like myself. She's a fiery tornado of destruction and animosity that will destroy anything (or any body part) that gets in her way. She gets biting mad.
Just ask her boyfriend Martin -- he spent a week in the hospital after Maria bit off his testicles.
I'm sorry. What?! She bit off his balls. I, no. What?
What kind of teeth must this woman have? Or what kind of soft sack of mush does this guy have? How was she able to chomp down and tear -- did she think it was an all you can eat steak buffet at the Tropicana? All that was missing were the lounge singers I suppose, because this sounds like one drunken mess of blood, sweat, and tears.
Martin called the paramedics and he was in so much pain that he could barely speak. (I can totally hear his voice in my mind, and he sounds like Mike Tyson.) He underwent emergency surgery for his testicles and arm (how the arm got involved I have no idea), and Maria was arrested. She'll appear in court this month.
There are a few takeaways here. One: I've always heard that British people have bad teeth. I did not know that meant incredibly strong and sharp teeth, so beware next time traveling to the UK. Two: Gateshead, England might be my El Dorado. Where else can men and women in their 40s get blackout drunk and stay out 'til 4 a.m.? I'm impressed and inspired. Three: Nut sacks are delicate flowers that can be torn apart by human snaggletooth. Four: Nut sacks should smell like flowers. Five: Never trust a British woman named Maria.
Any lessons you learned from Maria and Martin?
Photo via gwire/Flickr