We at Ask Dad want to spread some of our signature sexylove to everyone here at the The Stir, as this beautiful baby of a site turns a year old this week. Kisses to everyone as we get down to what we do best, turning love problems into love solutions. Bring the heat, we can take it:
Dear Ask Dad, I've been married over 8 years now, and sex is getting boring. My hubs and I want to spice things up, nothing too daring, but can you suggest three new things we could try in bed?
You waited until after the eighth anniversary to ask for help!? Had you come for a check-up before the seven-year itch, you could have gotten by with a mere cleaning. Now you may need a love root canal.
Actually I'm not really sure where this seven-year itch businesses came from. Probably just had a nice ring to it, and then was branded into the national consciousness by the image of Marilyn Monroe and a subway grate. The truth is some of us feel a powerful itch long before the wedding day. Most people are itching a little bit all along, no matter how perfect their pairing. A good marriage should involve constant scratching anyway -- even if it's only preventative.
I'm not going to suggest any zany role playing -- sorry if you had a nun or schoolgirl outfit you'd been waiting to use -- or any pricey and painful-looking toys. I'm guessing if you're bored with the hubs you may be acquainted with the toy department already.
We here at Ask Dad think sex is like real estate. You should have a license to do it and the market's really been tanking the last few years... No, actually in this sense: It's location, location, location. If you're looking to spice things up in the bedroom, get out of the bedroom. It's really not a very good place for getting it on. The bed's all at one level and doesn't have very good friction or resistance. And sheets are harder to clean than, say, linoleum. Plus that's where your parents had sex. What could be more boring than that? So here's three hot spots that everyone should have access to, and everyone should try.
1. The Stairs -- Glad I have a chance to put in a plug here for my favorite underrated sex spot. If you've got a hardwood stairway you'll probably need knee-pads (let's call it the one love situation where hardwood is a hindrance,) but a carpeted stairway, be it spiral or grand or just a few steps between dining room and family room, just spurs all kinds of sexual creativity.
It makes oral -- his or hers -- incredibly accessible, it invites the invention of all kinds of new positions, and provides rails and banisters that make for all sorts of grabbing, support and gymnastics. You'll likely find yourself moving up and down the entire flight if you do it right. If you happen to have a one-level house with not a stair anywhere, see if you can do some house sitting. You'll find it's worth it.
2. The Kitchen -- Culinary sex is so great because it just screams wild abandon. Even if you plan it in advance, bending over the butcher block -- especially with an apron on -- makes it feel like you just absolutely had to have it now, and couldn't wait the 30 seconds it would take to walk to the bedroom. So give the place a thorough sanitizing, make sure the stove is off, and get crazy over the sink.
And of course the kitchen invites you to mix in food with the act. I'm not into it. Eating during sex -- at least during the breaks -- is fine, but making the ingredients a part of the process -- using food-as-lube or giving cunnilingus-with-condiments, always gave me the icks, and I don't gross out easily. But by all means, if the symbolic power of whipped cream on the breasts sounds powerful to you, knock yourselves out.
3. The Backyard -- This is probably the least practical of the three -- it's yet another reason why neighbors suck. I doubt Robert Frost had backyard boning in mind when he wrote "Good fences make good neighbors," but maybe we shouldn't sell the old bard short. He was a favorite of the always-frisky JFK.
Doing it outdoors should be on everybody's bucket list. There's just something so classic, so 80s softcore porn, about sex on a banana lounger or some other poolside piece of furniture, preferably with sunglasses kept on. Who could deny it? And your own backyard is so much more practical, and useful, than the usual outdoor sex spots: A sleeping bag or an isolated beach. Both of those involve tough logistics and hard-to-clean-up messes. In your own yard you can just hose everything down. Including each other. That's certain to kill a little bit of boredom.
Image via Flickr/LarryHoffman